I lost my husband earlier this year, he was the love of my life & I miss him every day. My question is this: does wanting to find someone new to share my life with show disrespect for my husband or mean I didn't love him completely? And is it possible to still love my late husband and also love another man? I know if it was the other way around, I wouldn't want him to be alone, and I know he would want me to be happy again. I wrestle with these thoughts alot and would like input from others who have lost mates and found someone new to love. Thanks.
2006-12-31 04:05:55 · 5 answers · asked by harlowtoo 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am not yet a widow, but after 36 happy years and counting, obviously we are at a time in life when we are acutely aware of the reality that some day one of us is going to leave. To be honest, I have always wanted my husband to leave first, because I know that I will handle it much better than he would. I am reminded of the lovely little verse penned by the great poet Robert Browning to his equally famous poet wife Elizabeth Barret Browning.... "May I live for a thousand years, and you, for a thousand and one day, that I may never know what it was like to be without you?
I believe that deep love means that you wish nothing for that other person but the kindest and the best, and whatever would bring that person comfort and solace when you are no longer there. Love isn't like a pie, that you cut a slice out to give to each loved person until the pie is all gone. Neither is it a bag of marbles, where if you want to give some to another person you have to take away from somebody else. Know that your husband, in his love for you, would never want to see you miserable and alone for the remainder of YOUR life, for that would not be love at all but the worst kind of selfishness, and love is never that.
Your capacity for love is infinite, and if you find another person to be happy with for your own remaining years, you do not take away one tiniest bit of the love you have had with your deceased husband. When you truly love someone, you long for their happiness and contentment, and there IS no feeling of jealosy or "competition" about it.
There are wonderful stories of people -men, or women - whose longtime togetherness only ended with the death of the partner - and they went on to find happiness and mutual solace with somebody else - usually somebody who had themselves lost their beloved partner. So you please feel absolutely free to seek that other person, remembering that your husband will smile upon you for it, and you may at the same time be doing for that "somebody else" the very thing that you are wanting for yourself... comfort, companionship, and a loving togetherness for whatever time you have on this earth before you ALL eventually meet again to share embraces, smiles, and memories.
2006-12-31 04:29:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I also lost my husband, however it was almost eight years ago. We had been married almost 9 years with two children. After he died I remember wanting someone to continue to go through life with also (I was only in my late 20s). For about the first year I went back and forth with the feelings you stated. I firmly believe that these feelings are normal and you are not disrespecting your late husband. However I would just suggest not getting involved with anyone until you are of clearer mind and can see who a man is for who he actually is. Roses colored galsses are difficult not to wear, and your may just get caught up in your rebound with the wrong man. Noone will ever be like your late husband, so do not try to go searching for him. Find a good support group. Good ones will have seperate smaller groups to accommodate people at different greiving stages.
It is possible to love two men at the same time. No one will ever take my late husband's place, but I also compleetely love the new man I am with now (We have been together about 7 yrs). We just had a child together. He gave me a gold chain when we fist got together. I wear a gold medalion my first husband gave me on it. I tell people the necklace was from the men in my life. I will not let my first go, but have moved on to live my own life. You will get there, but take your time and don't jump the gun. During the first year or so is when you are going to make your greatest mistakes. Take your time and find yourself a support system.
2006-12-31 12:34:35 · answer #2 · answered by w2kaad 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's actually a compliment to your deceased mate that you to want another relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. Just take your time and don't settle!
If your marriage was a good one you'll probably love your husband until the day you die. Nothing wrong with that either. It was true love.
Be happy and don't worry about what others think. Just make sure you make as good a choice as you did the first time! Good luck to you.
2006-12-31 12:13:55 · answer #3 · answered by katydid 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should find someone else. You're a free woman to do so and you need to get on with your life which is what you're suppose to do. You're not showing disrespect for your late husband, you honored your marriage vows....until death do us part.
2006-12-31 12:35:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You answered your own question. It is normal if you really loved someone and they pass away to feel guilty maybe. But you have to move on with your own life knowing that if you passed away you would want your significant other to move on with theirs. Like they say, "Time heals all wounds." Hopefully, you do not turn into a disgruntled, old, recluse now.
2006-12-31 12:10:48 · answer #5 · answered by Big C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋