My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We have 2 children. Whenever we fight, he always tries to turn it around and make it my fault. By the end of the fight, I feel horrible, like I screwed everything up (even when it's usually something he did, knowing it would upset me). I always try to talk to him about things, but if I ask something like "why did you do it", he won't answer. Then if I say, "did you do it to hurt me" or whatever, he'll give me a sarcastic "yes".
It comes down to: he either wants to sweep things under the rug or tell me what he thinks I "want" to hear. Lately, if we fight, he acts like he doesn't give a damn about what happens between us. He swears he's not looking for an out. Any suggestions for how to get him to open up?
2006-12-31 00:39:07 · 16 answers · asked by lookinforanswers 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
he probably has a hard time opening up because maybe he saw his father behaving the same way when he was growing up. humans we learn from sight. i recommend therapy, because you gotta ask yourself do you want your children to see this and grow up being the same way? someone has to break the cycle. also its a 2 way street you gotta learn to back down and give him his space in the heat of the argument. men don't like to feel backed into a corner because if we do then we bite back like a Rottweiler. if he doesn't accept couples therapy then i say go by yourself, at least you're making the effort. leave him at home with the kids while you go distress about him. you'll at least feel better. :)
2006-12-31 04:26:55 · answer #1 · answered by ceddy_mack 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, nothing ever got solved in a fight. Once you're at that point, you've already ruined your chances. Approach out in the open, when things are peaceful, letting him know you want to talk, and give him plenty of warning, so he can't say he's being cornered. Here's an idea of what I'm suggesting:
"Tomorrow, I want to sit down, and talk about this. Not fight about it, or joke about it, but fix it. I'm unhappy with the way things are being managed between us, and I want it to change. Not now, but tomorrow, after you've had some time to think about all this."
Put things in terms of solutions, and choices. When you try to explain feelings to some men, they shut off, as they've been trained by family and society that what they feel doesn't matter, as long as they accomplish goals. Hence, if that is true, what -you- feel is also not an issue, and you need to correct that perception. "Why" is a foreign concept in this mindset. "What made you do this" is little better. Explaining the results of these things may work though. "You were sarcastic to me when I was attempting to solve something, and that kept it from getting solved, as we degenerated into an argument."
Another reality is, some men aren't shut off to their emotions, they're funneling them elsewhere. This one I know from vast experience. Some men are mentally elsewhere, or emotionally so, and you've already lost the fight before you enter the ring. Emotionally elsewhere men are thinking of that other thing that makes them happy, be it a friend, a hobby, or whatever. Their emotional investment is there. Where a man puts his foot down and fights...that's where his emotional investment is. If you are NEVER to turn off the football game, or not to ever bug him about his friends...you may be dealing with this problem. It's solveable, by becoming his focus again. Not easy, and how to do it, I can't help you.
A mentally elsewhere man is already gone, his body's just still there for whatever reason. He's picked being single, or someone else, and is just waiting for this to fall apart so he can move on in peace. My advice there is to go get something better, and let him go.
All in all, if you still have his attention, he's just internal, find out what makes him that way, and let him know that doesn't have to be the only way to do it. If his head's elsewhere...good luck.
2006-12-31 01:08:55 · answer #2 · answered by infernalistgamer 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It almost seems like he is intentionally pushing you away doing things that he know will hurt you.
Iv been with mine for 11 years now. We just started counseling to try and work on some of the issues and to get him to open up and communicate. That alone was like pulling teeth to get him to agree to go. I was hoping maybe a third inpartial pary could help and shed light on it from an outside view and maybe he would see what he was doing.
When I read your question I had to look at the name cause I was thinking , " I dont remember typing this" lol I guess some man can not take the responsibility for what they do and think its easier to blame someone else, but he can only do this if you let him.
You need to stand up and make sure he knows that you will be the scape goat anymore and that he needs to take some responsiblilty for what he is doing ( or not doing)
God Bless
2006-12-31 00:57:25 · answer #3 · answered by just_trump_my_ace 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
nicely if the clarification isn't the subject count and it is not each and every verbal replace, then i'm style of at a loss for words... Like, sometime he asks you what you think of of a action picture and you gab away, however the subsequent time he asks you what you think of a few action picture you freeze up or close down? it is unusual. Social tension in step with threat? Does it ensue the comparable way with persons too? Do you notice any varieties to this in any respect, like, every time it happens you had a stressful workday in step with threat? A psychologist might help you extra helpful.
2016-11-25 02:40:39 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest that you drop the word 'you' and start using the word 'I' whenever you have some disagreement with your husband.
Instead of saying 'did you do it to hurt me?', you can say 'I feel bad when you did this'.
The first expression is a kind of accusation or a verbal attack. And people naturally want to defend themselves, when attacked. That's why it's likely to lead up to a big fight.
But the second expression is simply giving him feedback on his actions without accusing him of bad intentions towards you. When a man's wife isn't happy, then most likely the man can't be happy either. And he will likely see it this way, if you simply give him feedback without any kind of accusations or blame.
2006-12-31 01:04:53 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
simple enough...he never wants to be wrong. many men are like that..if you corner him he'll back off and withdraw from the discussion. He will try to twist things to put fault and guilt on you. I think the best way for you is to avoid confrontations with him and walk away from arguing. If there is an issue, just state your mind and then go do something else....remember, it takes 2 to argue.
2006-12-31 00:47:48 · answer #6 · answered by J.M.C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most Men see it as a sign of weakness,if they show venerability.for most their only concern is ending the fight as quickly as possible,so as not to lose con troll,he will either ignore you completely, or hurt you with his word's ,the more you keep on with him the more determined he will be to not to let you overrule him.So the best thing to do is tell him your problem, but be meek about it,leave him to his self,and more likely than not he will come around and show you he is sorry ,when he knows his manhood is not in jeopardy.and most men communicate with action instead of word's .They might look at you,or show they are listening to you,sex,a gift,or hug,etc.Good Luck,I have been their,and learned.
2006-12-31 01:29:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stop fighting! He has "turned you off" in his mind. He can't hear a word you're saying as a result. Guys hate to argue and fuss, so they just "tune you out" so to speak, and nothing gets accomplished.....and women get frustrated as a result. Stop fighting! State your point! Move on!
2006-12-31 00:45:06 · answer #8 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has control issues, he wants to make you feel worse so he feels better. There is no changing him. That is how my ex is. He can not take any blame, he is the man and he needs to keep you beneath him so he always has control. After awhile you will start to believe it is your fault and that he is rhight, I did it for 17 years until I got out. Good Luck
2006-12-31 02:03:28 · answer #9 · answered by Right Wing Extremist 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
All women want to be loved and all men want respect from their wives. The bible in Ephesians commands men to love their wives and wives to RESPECT their husbands. If a man refuses to love his wife she has no repect for him and if a woman refuses to repect a man he refuses to love her. I becomes a crazy cycle. If God commands us to each do our part and we do it UNCONDITIONALLY we will be successful.
I did just what you do when I was newly married and it eventually almost led to a divorce had I not picked up the book LOVE AND RESPECT by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. Read this book and then give it to him. In the meantime just become respectful and tell him you respect him and his decisions. Im not telling you to be a doormat but im suggesting you do what GGod commands women to respect their men and men are commanded to love their wives. Men go quiet when they are criticised. Women think men have 2 brains and one has gone and the other is looking for it! its not true. All they want is respect from us. When you give it, he will want to love you. Its wierd, but it really works.
Please read this book. I really urge you to it will be the best thing you ever did for your marriage. God bless you both.
2006-12-31 00:49:26 · answer #10 · answered by uniquechild 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋