What can I do about my feelings?

Question

I'm told to ignore my oldest childrens behaviour but it hurts. ( 30 and 26)

If I react to them and then lose my temper I am wrong. If I do nothing I am wrong. I never know what to do. But either way it hurts. Especially as my daughter is expecting any day now and I'm told that I will not be involved in her, hubby and baby's life. They have to pass our door to visit my ex and don't they enjoy in telling me! Her argument holds no logic but stepmommy's reply holds no logic either except in saying I am wrong.

Now my oldest wants to do a 'Greta Garbo' (I vont to be alone) I know he's had a breakdown with his probs and I was very hurt by him saying that If I cared I would have done something. I tried but he and no one else would listen to me.

I'm my own worst enemy for feeling so hurt but am I so wrong in that?

Answer 1

One of the penalties of being a good parent is feeling responsible for everything offspring do.
The big thing here is that you are not. Each 'child' needs to know this. Plainly and clearly, you see, their life long habit of looking to you for answers and rescue needs to end. You need your own life and the questions are, how brave can you be? Can you live without their hassle? If you are brave and you can begin to let go a little then you can begin to live a little for yourself. Step one, see them as adult, competent individuals who you have brought up to cope. When you see them tell them about the things you see about them that are positive. Show them that you trust them by giving the questions back to them ie they ask 'what shall I do?' You say 'What would you like to do?' or to make it easier for them 'what do you imagine you would like to do?'.

It sounds like something is trying to make you feel jealous, someone somewhere may be placing their regret or guild on you, that will only work if you let it, hold your head up high, you are doing your best and that is all you can do, you can tell her clearly and openly that you love her and you are there for her and her family.

Arrange to meet on neutral ground in a public place, build up a relationship again, slowly. Talk about generalities at first, then see how it goes.

Your son, his breakdown, is NOT your fault. His placing of blame hurts you, but could be part of the illness, tell him you are sorry that he feels like that, just be sure he is getting all the professional support he needs and then be non-defensive, but don't run after him. He needs to get over this for himself.

For you, you are kind and loving, what do you like to do for you? Treat yourself, find some time for you. These 'children' do love you, they need to learn how to show it. Let them. Try to be there without recrimination for them when they do begin to go forward again. You can do this. Good luck.

Answer 2

I agree with CindyLue - there must be more to this than you are telling, or maybe more than you are aware of.

The beginning bit of your question maybe shows the problem. You say that if you react to them and then lose your temper it is wrong, or if you do nothing it is wrong. Obviously, there is the option of reacting to them and NOT losing your temper, whatever the provocation.

I would suggest you do get on with your own life, as others have said, but keep in contact. Ring, email, text or send notes occasionally, just to keep in touch. ALWAYS be nice, even if you dont feel it.

Hopefully they will come back to you in time. I hope they do. It must be very painful for you.

Answer 3

I feel for you in this situation. Adult children these days find it very amusing to treat parents this way. I know because i deal with patients experiencing this problem every day.

All you can do is concentrate on being the best you can be, live your life as best you can and concern yourself with your own happiness. I know it's difficult, but you must think of yourself first before anyone else.

You are not wrong by any meaning of the word. I would suggest talking to someone who value's your friendship, seek comfort from those who truly care about you.

If you have no one you can turn to seek counseling.

Answer 4

No I don't think you are wrong in feeling hurt, but I do know that you are the parent so alot of pain and heartache come with that job. I am sorry that your adult kids are being so disrespectful to you. Maybe it's time to just live your own life for once and let them do the same. It will not be easy but I think once you are not around anymore, they will be knocking on your door wondering where you are. Don't play into them.....be yourself. live your life and I wish you the best in the new year.

Answer 5

Obviously there is more to this story. They must have some reason, no matter how imagined, for their behavior. For them to have such extreme reactions tells me that you did or did not do something when they were growing up and now they are reacting to that and cutting you out of their lives

You need to get real and figure out what it is that they hold against you and then apologize and ask for forgiveness. That is your only little chance of being in their lives now. If you really, honestly cannot think of any reason for them to resent you or to be angry than you must pray for them and give them to God and try to go on without them. They are grown now so they were only going to be in your life anyway they cannot be your life. You are responsible for you not them. If you are unhappy you must do something about it. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 6

You don't give much information to go on in order to try to help you. A true answer of help cannot be given if you don't say why it is the children say you are wrong. Wrong about what and what are you getting angry about that your children tell you you're wrong? Without that information true help cannot be given. Sorry

Answer 7

no, you are not wrong in feeling hurt, but your children are old enuf to live their own lives now. at the end of the day all children will eventually need thier mum, they will come to you when they need you. i am 26 with 3 children and hated my mum when i first left home, but over the years we have come quite close, and now she is more like my sister. be patient, and until it happens move on with your life, you spent your time rearing them, worry about number one now.

Answer 8

I really don't understand the scenario, but I am wondering if your question is really about your feelings or your stance on something ... because opinions and feelings are indeed different things.

If you truly mean your "feelings", then I'll share with you something I have learned: feelings ARE a result of our thoughts. Therefore, what you think leads to what you feel, and what you continually feel is what you continually attract ... it is the law of the universe.

Answer 9

as they are old enough stop to worry
look at ur own life and let them do what they want . enjoy ur life and dont bother too much about their problems .

Answer 10

woah, for misunderstandings to reach this state. What are your kids mad at you about?

I'm ignoring my parents too, but they did me some grievance wrong, and they would never apologise, but if they did, i think our relationship can return back to normal.