I think I'm bi and my wife dosen't know?

Question

I'm not sure what to do. I think about other guys and doing things with them. I haven't done anything with another guy since I was 18yo. I am now 38 and can't stop thinking about it. I love my wife and kids and never want to loose them. I'm trying to convince myself that if I do it with another guy, it's not cheating. I don't think she would understand if I told her. About 2 years ago the subject of 2 guys came up. She said that she thinks that it is sick. I want to do things with another man but, I don't want to loose my family. What should I do???

Answer 1

You have homosexual experiences on your "life resume", you fantasize over men, and you "only" suspect that you may be BI?

Maybe you're confused about your sexuality, or I am confused about my knowledge on what homosexuality is.

And yes, it is cheating doing "it" with another guy. It is a form of cheating even just fantasizing about someone else.

Your options are:

1) You talk to your wife about your "fears/doubts", hoping not to lose her and the children. (You need all the luck in the world here)

2) You keep secretely living a double life, it's miserable, but still an option for a number of people.

3) You change your life by stopping lying (it's a lie, trust me on this one), and being true to yourself.

Under the circumstances, and considering how much you have at stake here, it might be a really good idea to get some professional counseling. I reccommend that you contact a local hospital or university and ask them to refer you.

You don't need to tell your wife or family anything, except to let them know that you are having problems with 'stress' and you want to stay mentally healthy by getting proper advice and care, while you still are able.

If you act out and do something behind your wife's back, you might get away with it, but you could also pay a price in losing your self-respect and peace of mind.

The fact that you expressed your confusion for well here is a good inidcation that you are ready to see a therapist trained to deal with family and personal issues. Best of luck.

Answer 2

Here's my advice to you:

First off, stop trying to convince yourself that if you do it with another guy, it's not cheating. You know that it is. The gender of the person involved is irrelevant- it's cheating, and cheating is despicable. Being bisexual is NOT an excuse for extramarital affairs.

Secondly, start weighing the pros and cons. Are you emotionally, pyschologically, and sexually satisfied with your wife? Well, obviously, you're not fully satisfied, but are you still able to be sexually aroused by her and pleasured without having to resort to thoughts of men? If so, it sounds to me like you're just having doubts/regrets/midlife crisis, whatever. You don't have to stay the way things are- you know better than me what you're feeling, but I say stay, and let these desires pass by.

If you feel like you have lost whatever was once there between your wife and you, be it sexual, emotional, or a combination of both, then it's perhaps best that you tell her that and see where things go from there. You say you don't belive she would understand your bisexuality, and would probably be condemning of it, so you don't have to tell her. It would be great if you could, but if you can't, you simply can't. But if the love is gone and you're going to (amicably) end the marriage, then it's not too much of a concern- you won't be lying when you say you want to break up because there's nothing there anymore, and it's none of her business if you want to seek out men afterwards.

I know this is a difficult thing, and I wish you the best of luck in navigating the waters, whatever you choose to do.

Answer 3

Not only do you want your cake and to eat it too. You want someone else to bake it and deliver. I too was married, the difference was she knew I was gay when we married. At first it seemed not to bother her. She hung out with gay guys and was very maternal. When it came to me she was so different. She liked the sensitive side just didn't understand why I liked guys. Very confusing. We're still very good friends. My lover and her lunch once in a while, and we spend Holidays together. My children except me and I'm glad we not together. But deep down I feel I cheated her from meeting someone who could have given her what I couldn't. For that I'll never forgive myself. If you are gay, there is no way to not hurt someone. The longer you take the more angry your wife will be. She'll feel betrayed and used. Everything she thought you had together will seem to be a lie. There's no easy way, either you live a lie and hurt her later. Or hurt her a little now and try to remain friends. I'm happier now more than ever. You need to grow up and stop ruining the lives of people you claim to care about. Most of all, stop hurting yourself.

Answer 4

You have to choose, what do you love more? your gay urges or your family? If you were in a gay family, you might want to sleep with a woman, in which case aagin you'd have to choose between an urge and a family. Don't ruin your family because you "think" it's not cheating, cuz it is. Dating someone, regardless of gender, behind your wife's back is cheating. You should tell your wife you are bi and if she can't accept you for the real you, than maybe she isnt your perfect match, but don't ruin your relationship yourself with screwing (or even dating) a guy (or girl, for that matter). I do think you should tell your wife you are bi, however, but tell it to her gently if you think she'll take it badly.

Answer 5

The first thing I have to tell you that any sexual activity with another person outside your marriage is cheating, no matter if it is with a woman or another male.

Get counseling on this. Do not blurt out your true orientation to your wife. Talk to a trusted professional person and get all of the facts and feelings you have out in the open with this person. Don't treat your wife like she was your best friend or counselor -- she is your wife and will not look at your situation with a blindfold on -- she will be looking out for herself and be very justified in doing so -- but that won't help you any. And talk to a counselor (male or female) who is well-versed in gay/bisexual issues. Be wary of a counselor who will attempt to talk you out of your "realization" (of your true sexual orientation).

I hope this helps you. Good luck. I will pray for you.

Answer 6

Don't cheat on your wife! Yes it IS cheating if you have sexual relations with someone else, no matter the gender. Masturbate and fantasize over guys, just don't go out and do someone else. Some say it is cheating to masturbate over someone else while you're in a relationship, but as long as you are not making physical contact with someone else, you're fine. Chances are if you tell your wife, she will be very hurt and think she isn't good enough for you.

Answer 7

You made a commitment to her. Either stick with that commitment - or choose not to and suffer the repercussions which may result.

EDIT: Was that too harsh and unsympathetic? Sorry you've touched a nerve. Did you not go into your marriage knowing you were bi? Was that not a part of your decision to be with this woman?

I've never married - for that reason (I wish I'd found someone for whom I'd be prepared to give up that part of me).

Check out the link below I hope it helps

Answer 8

if you truly value your family, you'll try your very best to get rid of that idea..

im a lesbian so im not against bi or gay relationships.. absolutely not..

but the fact you already have a family. you got more important things to think about other than those urges that would defintly ruin your family if you give in and took chances with that curiousity..

Answer 9

I think she has the right to know being that she married you thinking she's the only one for you. Be honest to yourself, your wife and your kids. She really doesn't have you 100% if you're thinking of men. And that's not fair. Either you love her enough to be 100% with her or you don't. Which is it?

Answer 10

I would guess by your wife's tone of that it makes her sick , that shes not hot with the bi thing. Soooo...only one or two things you can do.

1. Buy dildos and tell your wife you bought them for her to spice up your marriage.
2. Buy a dog. A big dog. If you know what I mean.