Before my husband and I were married I had a threesome. We were dating at the time but not married yet and I went to a party without him and had a little too much to drink and I ended up having sex with two guys at once. I never told my husband about it but I felt guilty about not telling him. Since we weren't married I don't feel guilty about what I did, yeah it was fun alright, but I probably should have told him. Now, years later, I finally decided to get it of my chest and I told him the whole story. At first he said that he was glad that I thought I could be honest with him but then he seemed like he couldn't get over it. He says it's because he never did anything like that himself. That he didn't do it isn't my fault and maybe he should have but we're married now and it's too late to worry about it. I told him that maybe he can get it right in his next life and to just deal in this one. I thought honesty was the best policy.
2006-12-29 14:44:06 · 63 answers · asked by Barb S 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I've tried asking this question twice in marriage and divorce but it keeps being deleted because of community guidlines but it went through in the family general catagory. Don't bother suggesting that he and I have a threesome since we're married and I'm beyond all that expreimental sex stuff and don't get all moral majority on me about what happened years ago when I was single and in college. This was all years ago and we have a family now and I want to know what his problem is. He says that he needs time and I don't get what he needs the time for. I wouldn't care if he had done the same before we were married so don't ask me something stupid like how I would feel if the roles were reversed.
2006-12-29 14:52:02 · update #1
We were just dating and not even engaged yet alright. He didn't go to the party with me because he had to study for some big test and I got a little drunk and something just happened. The problem now is his and not mine and I thank some of you for realizing that. What is wrong with men? Maybe I shouldn't have been honest now but I think that I did a brave thing when I told him the truth. We are NOT going to have a MFF or FFM because that stuff was for then and I've gotten over it now, it's out of my system and he should have taken care of it back then if he wanted to.
2006-12-29 16:11:35 · update #2
I don't know why he has an issue with it unless it makes him feel sexually inadequate for you. You've had what he considers some pretty wild times and good sex with others and he is now probably wondering if he is "enough" for you.
He may also be a bit jealous that you've never done such with him, but you would with others. He may feel hurt that you would share such an exciting experience with others, but not then, now, or in the future with the one person you love and trust the most. I don't think he's feeling "cheated" out of anything. If this is the case he's simply feeling like his worth to you is less than he thought it was. Simply, his ego is bruised.
I'm not saying go out and have a threesome just to make him happy. But, you will probably have to do some serious ego stroking for the next little while.
It is good you can be honest. And you have to otherwise a relationship is nothing but a pile of half-truths and secrets. It's always amazed me that one constant in human nature is that people will be more honest with friends and complete strangers than they will their own spouse. The one person they should be able to be the most honest with.
But, insecurity and jealousy in the relationship prevent complete honesty, as you have discovered.
2006-12-30 04:59:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello,
Honesty is the best policy. There are 2 ways that your husband could be looking at this. 1 way is that you were dating when this happened and to him you cheated and didn't confront him on it then. 2 he could be thinking whilst he wasn't doing such trying to be a good man, you were well having yourself a good old time even if it did happen just once.
Nevertheless you are married now and what he should do is realize that what happened in the past is just that the past. When you both stood and vowed to be unto each other on your wedding day... that was the start of a new chapter for the both of you. Anything that happened prior to that date is a closed chapter and shouldn't be placed in your chapters now.
I can't understand why you'd even mention it though. I mean it's a couragous thing to do, but again if that was so long ago why on earth bring it up now and even tell him?
It may sound harsh of me to say this, but I am sure if he had of told you that he went out had to much to drink while you were dating and had a threesome with 2 other women. Well you'd hit the roof too and you know it.. come on now you would!! So give the man a little break. This was more than likely a bit hurtful to him and drinking is never an excuse for doing anything.
Good luck to you and your husband, I just hope that he doesnt try to get back at you and have himself a one time 3-some just to make the board even. Some people do these things and never ever think that your man isn't one that want... Expect the unexpected.
2006-12-29 14:56:25 · answer #2 · answered by ssgtmommy01 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
well the cats out of the bag now and there is no putting it back in.I hate to say this but some things are better left unsaid. Yes we think honesty is the best policy, but believe me once you tell anything personal like that they freak out, men and women alike. I'd talk to him again. Let him know that you are not interested in anything like that now. Its just something that happen before you were married or even engaged. He has no choice but to get over it, or ruin your relationship over something that happen so long ago. If he is a grown up he'll move on without thinking about it or throwing it up to you. If he can't then you may have a big problem on your hands. Love or not you will get tired of it being thrown at you eventually so hopefully he can move on from this. Good luck
2006-12-30 01:10:30 · answer #3 · answered by missy j 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"We were just dating and not even engaged yet alright. He didn't go to the party with me because he had to study for some big test and I got a little drunk and something just happened. The problem now is his and not mine"
I don't know what you mean by "just dating" but if I was dating someone and it was even hinted that it was exclusive, then even if it had been one guy the marriage would be over. Maybe that's the issue that your husband is having. Not the freakiness but that something happened during a stage in your relationship that he thought was already on it's way to exclusivity. At any rate to say the "problem now is his and not mine" doesn't make sense b/c it seems like you do have a problem.
2006-12-29 18:29:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you say in ur added details that you were single when you had a three some but in your original question you mention that you were dating him when it happened so which was it??? i think your husband has a right to be upset right now you were dating him when you did it so technically you cheated on him. maybe he thinks that you've done other things while you were dating him or married to him and is worried. yes honesty is the best policy but you have to expect that he wasn't just gonna walk up to you and be happy that you had a threesome when you were dating him doesn't matter if it was in college when you were young or not give him some time i'm sure he'll come around
2006-12-29 15:51:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all its pretty appaling how many women seem to condone a "Don't ask don't tell policy".. I know that Sigmund Freud said women have less well developed super-egos than men and this makes it easier for them to do immoral or amoral things without remorse (i.e. lying to people). But every woman on here is basically saying that you keep things from your husband intentionally? Perhaps I am being idealistic but I hope to not end up with a woman like any of you.
As for the poster of the question, you were dating him, and you did this and kept it from him and later married him. You should have told him before you got married, no matter how exclusive your dating was, as it intersected with your time with him. The fact that you didn't, and went thru your wedding with a straight face, shows intentional deception and dishonesty on your part.
If my wife was ever this deceptive to me she would be out the door. There are few sordid details I would be unable to stomach in my life, including your raunchy romp, but the level of dishonesty from you would make it very hard for me to stay with someone like you.
2006-12-29 19:57:34 · answer #6 · answered by days_o_work 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The reason you suddenly became honest was to make YOU feel better, not your husband. Honesty is best, and start with yourself. If you had asked yourself before your purged, you may have honestly realized that this little fray on the wild side is something you will have to live with, and telling your husband years later is selfish and quite honestly, cruel. Do tell, how do you have sex with two males at the same time? Be honest! Tell your mom and dad while you're on your honesty streak. How about the mailman? Get it? One thing you got right, it is his problem now that he knows the woman he married and bore his children is not who he thought you are.
2006-12-29 14:52:37 · answer #7 · answered by gon 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Nope, honesty is NOT better in this situation....It was dead, no one came up pregnant or diseased right? Why on earth did you tell him? Were you hoping for a reaction, but got a little more than you bargained for?? I'm not judging, don't get me wrong. I don't believe that details about your sexual past should EVER make it's way into your current relationship. No good can come of it. Lastly, where your husband is concerned ..... DO NOT refer to the incident as ":fun"...again, not at all would be best. If you love him, stand by him through this emotional roller coaster you've just sent him on....you're his wife, the visual (and believe me, he's getting them) of you w/2 men has got to be killing him....Don't ever be that "honest" again....
2006-12-29 15:58:45 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, honesty is the best policy but you had cheated him from the time you did it till the time you told him about it. Pardon me for saying so : you are not being honest; you are just guilt stricken. You are not even honest to yourself. How could you be honest to others? Now that you have finally "get it off your chest", the ball is now in his court and there is little you could do with regards to his feelings about it. He has to decide for himself how he would like to deal with it. If he truly loves you, he will find ways to forgive you. I wish you the very best! By the way, I do not believe that there is a "next life". Both of you will have to deal with it now and here. Again, I wish you the very best!
2006-12-29 15:02:25 · answer #9 · answered by Alfretz T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Things before any relationship if it won't effect either persons credit, income, or my well being a STD stuff like that then there was no reason for you to tell years ago you dug up a archive for what? You wanted to upset him huh? I'm with blu that should have went to the grave with u... and to correct the term that ain't no 3 some they ran a train on u. chug chugga choo choo :-( That was not honesty that was stupidity He didn't ask you about it ;you just brought it up out of the blue. So when you find out that he has a fam across town cause he now knows you don't be upset maybe you can fix i in your next life deal with the one you just screwed up NOW!
2006-12-29 15:01:17 · answer #10 · answered by Shyne 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋