married ladies please advise. I don't want to be anywhere near my husband lately.?

Question

I want to run the other way everytime he comes near me. I don't know why I'm feeling this way . I just started back work after being jobless for about 6 months. I come home and he's sitting on the couch watching T.V. or on the computer. I guess I have some resentment about him not helping around the house. I have a 2 hour commute everyday and he only has a 30 min. and he doesn't care if the house is dirty or the clothes are all piled up. It's like he doesn't even see the stuff that needs to be done. Help, what should I do? I don't want to be all whiny, but I want him to get off his butt and help. We also have a 6 year old son.

I have also made the remark about not having such a mess if I left. I have asked him repeatedly to help. It goes in one ear and out the other. I don't want to sound like his mother , but I'm tired of being the only one who gets embarresed when the neighbors come over unexpectedly.

Answer 1

Sounds like it is time to sit down for negotiations:

Your income hugely benefits the household. So does his.
The household chores are not going to get done by the tooth fairy and he has more time on his hands than you.

So....make a list of all the crap that has to get done daily/weekly, then sit down and negotiate who is taking care of what.

How I began was this: I gave my 13 yr. old son and my husband and myself each a cup and sat down at the kitchen table with them.

I had a pile of squares of paper with each chore on it. I read off the chore and put it in whoever's cup that usually did it.

My husband had one or two scraps of paper in his cup.
My son had 3 or five.
My cup over flowed and ran out onto the table.

They could very easily see that the situation was overburdened for me and felt like heels.

So then we began negotiations on who would do what. On Friday, no one cooks at all. Friday is pizza or take out or sandwhich night. Everyone is tired by then.

This strategy worked like crazy for me. There is no complaining. It is a matter of presenting a problem that is easy to understand, then asking them to help out. It worked very well here.

When my husband began doing his share around here, my resentment and exaughstion was relieved and we had a MUCH better relationship.

Some stuff has to give. None of us want to put in a full day working home after working outside the home. We all pitch in on Sat. and get the house back up to snuff very fast. During the week, it is the basics.

Sometimes on Sunday, I precook some stuff so dinners for the week are mostly made and easy to put on. I throw a load of laundry in each morning before I leave and another when I get home. We bought a dish washer (portable) until we can get one installed.

You get the idea. You are adusting and tired. If you and hubby team up, it will be okay, promise. Please let him know you are happier when you are, okay?

Answer 2

Girl I FEEL FOR YOU! I know that feeling! and you know what why did you get a job so far from home? Can't your man SUPPORT YOU? The way I see it IF YOU HAVE TO WORK and SUPPORT EACH OTHER THEN IT'S A FIFTY/FIFTY THING! He needs to fork out some CLEANING AS WELL! Have him cook dinner at least I MEAN SERIOUSLY you don't want to sit in a car for two hours and have to come home to DO MORE WORK! He needs to pitch in other wise DON'T WORK! and let him pay you to clean up after him. I am so sorry for you! I have been there, and done that, and I still can't understand why guys should EXPECT their women to WORK TO HELP SUPPORT THE FAMILY because they can't ..and then still come home and take care of them hand and foot!

It will only get worse if you DON'T START TALKING TO HIM NOW! You need to sit him down and explain to him WHAT HE WANTS TO DO! Does he want you to work and help with the bills or does he want you to BE HIS MAID?

Answer 3

Oh my god! I started laughing when I read this. Why you ask? Because it sounded exactly like me! I started reading it out loud to see if he would think that I had wrote it, you know the responce I got? You know I wish that I could get through this one level without getting interupted. ( He is talking about a war game that he plays all the time on playstation) He has made comments in the past few weeks about me avoiding him, but I think he knows why. They know that it bothers us that we have to go out and work too. Plus do the house and laundry and kids and cook, need I go on? When we fially have it out he promises to start helping but it soon stops litlle by little. It is a big turnoff and makes you not want to have anything to do with them. I have even mentioned that I would be better off living by myself that I would hve alot less work and messes to clean up. IN THE SAME BOAT, any suggestions?

Answer 4

Sit down and talk to him. Let him know how you feel. You resent him not helping, he probably resents you going back to work. Let him know that if he doesn't like the extra money that you can stay home. I'll bet he will help you make out a job list to be shared by the two of you.

Answer 5

I can see why you are upset. Sit down and have a serious talk with him. How dare he expect you to work, commute 2 hours, and do all the chores by yourself. I would go on strike. Let him feed himself and wash his own clothes. You are his wife, not his maid. You should not continue to let him treat you this way. You don't deserve it. Look at the example he's giving your son. You don't want him to grow up to be a selfish slob.

Answer 6

Tell him that you have a lot on you now and you really need some support from him because you are juggling more things than before and the stress is making you irritable. If he hasn't done the laundry before please don't let him!! He'll ruin the clothes! It's might be easier to get the 6 yr old to comply. LOL!

Answer 7

Hi,

I was in the same situation one year ago. Talking did not help, Suddenly I decided to get so busy. I was eating out, even sleeping at friends house. I bought new outfits and make up, joined a gym. Then my husband got so worried that he was going to lose me so he was fighting for 30 minutes spend with me. He started making me dinner and beginning me to spend some time with him. Try this please I hope it will work for you.

Answer 8

TALK TO HIM!!!!! After 30 + years of marriage ,the one thing I learned is that a man has no idea what is going on unless you tell him .Men don't see things the same way a woman does,you have to explain what you need & want.Trust me he has no idea whats bothering you. Like I said before TALK TO HIM..

Answer 9

Well what would happen if you did nothing, just stopped, no laundry or dinner or shopping, just stop and when he says something say i am to tired , nothing more, have cereal for dinner and clean only your sons cloths and yours, stick to your guns he will see the trash later than sooner but its ok.

Answer 10

I completely agree with the time for a "come to Jesus" talk. You need to talk to him about it...keeping it bottled up inside is not solving anything. It seem like that may be what is pushing you away more.

good luck!