What do you do when your hubby is the best and worst that ever happened to you?

Question

My hubby came along and showed me love like no other. Been together 17 years. He is very charming and seems to delight in my company. He is very sociable (unlike me) and helps me to feel comfortable in an social situation. He listens to me when I have had a bad day and buys me flowers and cards for no reason. He is smart and worldly and can always fill me in on whats going on in the world.He always tells me I am the best thing in his life too and we have 3 beautiful kids together. Now heres the bad: He has cheated more then once, and each time the woman gets too serious he breaks it off and tells them that he loves his wife. Numerous women that I dont know have called for him throughout the years and he says they are just friends. To top it off he has a bad addiction to porn that has cost us alot of money. We have been through counseling 4 times and each time he swears he changed. I told him if it happens again I am outa here. Well it hasnt stopped. Im so confused.

On one hand he is such a good man then again I cant take the pain he inflicts on the kids and I any more. When he's good he is really good and when hes bad he is really bad. I know once the anger wears off might regret leaving. How can I resist his deadly charm? Only serious mature answers please

Answer 1

Ditch him and take the kids. He's just playing you. The only reason he dumps those girls is because he wants sex, not a relationship. And he seems to stop neither cheating nor addiction. Show him you meant business when you said you didn't approve of these things.

Answer 2

he is a great guy but he has an addiction to sex and probably a high sex drive. he wants the porn and the affairs to satisfy his high sex drive that is why he breaks it off when the women start getting serious. he loves you and not them they are just a source of sex but when they try to become more than that he dumps them. you say HE has been to counseling 4 times but it doesn't sound like you have been with him and the changes it is going to take to save your marriage are going to have to be shouldered by both of you. if you are serious about a lasting happy marriage to this man then you are going to have to be willing to step up and fulfill a very big need for sex. if you are willing to do that then you need to tell him so and since he has also been into porn his brain has probably been programmed for some pretty wild stuff so don't say it if you don't mean it and if you guys go down this road use a counselor again.

i'm sorry for the pain he has caused you and the kids but you have to realize that a divorce will be painful for all of you as well so let me encourage you to save the really great part of this marriage and change the bad then you will have one of those incredible relationships that everyone is so envious of!

Answer 3

Are you willing to deal with the porn and the cheating or not? It's up to you. Don't threaten him if you don't mean it. Leave. Take away all that is important to him and stop all contact. Let him simmer for a month or three so he can decide what it is that he wants---you or the porn and women. You could get AIDS.

He does not believe you will leave and went ahead and did what he always does depsite you saying you would leave him if he did. What does that tell you? That tells you that either he does not believe you will leave him and knows he can get away with it or that he does not care if you go. Your words mean nothing. He does it because he CAN. Leave him. Boot him. Stop all contact, period.
Wait a month or three. If he stops his BS, don't run home, or let him back in. Make him as uncomfortable as possible. Let him feel the loss. Then, if he promises to stop, make him prove it. Wait to get back together. Remain separated and see if he means it.

If and when you do get back together, make him toe the line like a real husband, meaning you know where he is and with whom 24/7 until you can trust him, however long that is. He will have to be transparant. You will see his cell phone bills, his EVERYTHING and he will keep you informed at all times until he proves trustworthy or you trust him, however long that is. Don't be blind. Don't be dumb. If you don't want to get walked on, then stop letting him do it.

Hope it all works out. I know it is hard. Make a decision and stick to it. A separation is a start. Maybe it will wake him up. Make sure he knows with no uncertainty that you will not put up with his crap one more day, one more hour, period. Mean it. If he falls into old habits, then go find a man you can trust. It is easier to get walked on than it is to leave? Its up to you.

Answer 4

Your are married to a pathological charmer, he will never stop chasing women, It's sad that he can't be satisfied, with a good marriage, but the hard truth is he can't/ or won't ever change. If it was only you invoved, you could just turn a "blind eye", but you say it's hurting your children, and that is the most important issue, I think you already know what you have to do, I just wish there was a short cut to end your pain, but we both know it will take a lot of time, try hard not to dwell on the resentment too much, when it comes to women and sex, he has an addiction. Sorry for your troubles, and I really wish the best for you and your children.

Answer 5

I recommend that you go to the counseling therapist and get written documentation of all your counseling sessions. The counselor made notes. Once you have those, you have documented evidence of his cheating. Make several copies and give several copies to a friend or family member in a sealed envelope to hold on to.

Then give a copy to the attorney you retain, and have him draw up some very serious severe divorce papers. One's that are able to be filed within minutes simply by calling the attorney.

In these divorce paper's, sue hubby for everything, to and including all the property and massive childsupport and alimony, seek everything he own's in the divorce papers also get a restraining order that put's his butt out on the streets.

Then have a calm conversation if possible with him, and give the papers to him to read over have police give him the restraining order at same time.. Give him an ultimatum to end all his negative behavior or you'll sue for divorce. He'll then have all the cards on the table to look at, he'll either change or lose most everything he worked for over the years.

This may seem drastic but, needs to be done, to get his attention, you may be better off to rid yourself of this controlling, manipulative bastard.

No one deserves to be treated like he's treated you over the years. I feel for you, Good Luck.

Answer 6

He's not taking you seriously. You should make good on your threat to leave or have him removed from the home until he gets his issues under control. Don't go for an instant divorce, just a separation because you can't deal with the cheating and the porn. Tell him you love him and that is why you need the separation. He needs to get help for his sexual addictions.

Answer 7

you resist the charm by telling yourself that "the charm" is the same way he got all the other women. honey, just because he treats you good is no reason to overlook the fact that he's been cheating on you for years! you have given him more than a few chances to change. he doesn't because he has had no consequences before. show him that you are serious. counseling and treats are not going to do it this time.

Answer 8

People telling you to dump him right away do not know how you feel. In fact, his messing around has made him even more of a challenge, and makes it even better when he is good. All women say they want a nice and sweet guy, but in the end they leave the sweet guy for the jerk. I think you have to be more of a challenge , and let him know that you are hot too and could have other guys too. Let him know you love him and that you are the one for him. If you have him feeling that you are not totally in his control, he will chase you. So dont leave him, but become more coy and in control!

Answer 9

I see where you are comming from by saying the best and the worst. You need to sit down with him and talk to him and make him relize what you have together and tell him if it contiues you and the kids might not want to contiue this life style with him. No one deserves to be cheated on. And as for the porn that is something he will have to break if you sound serouiusly enough. Sometime it take you to do something like leaving to make him realize what he is lossing. Talk to him and see where it goes from here.

Answer 10

I understand your problem and I know you must be feeling a lot of pain. You know he's going to carry on one affair after another without stopping. You do not know if you should stand by him or ditch him.

The fact that he is able to dump the women tells me that he isn't treating any of his affairs seriously. He prefers to stay in the marriage.

(The most important thing for you now is - NOT to contract any knd of sexual disease!)

I have met a couple of men who can't stop havig sex with other women (sometimes up to 5 times a day with whichever woman within his reach and it isn't rape) but they tell me they love their wives deeply but just doesn't know how to stop being unfaithful.

It does sounds like your hubby has a high sex drive.

What you can do is to ascertain he is not suffering from some kind of chemical inbalance in his brain responsible for his sex drive.

If he isn't "mentally disturbed" so to speak, then keep your promise when you say YOU REALLY MEAN to ditch him if he's unfaithful to you again.

Give both of yourselves time to cool down - maybe even seperate for some time by asking him to move out. Agree on a date to meet to tell him if you should reconcile or be divorcedfor good. (During this period of seperation, remove all negative thoughts about him.)

Kindness (to him) would only be your sole way of saving this marriage and only IF he sincerely regrets his actions. Good luck!