Before we were married I was at a party without him, he and I were dating but not married yet and I had a little too much to drink and I ended up having a threesome with two guys whom I never saw again. I never told him about it but I felt guilty, not so much for the threesome as for having held back the truth. Years later I finally decided to get it off my chest and just tell him the whole story. It felt great to finally tell him everything and at first he was okay and thanked me for being honest but now he is having trouble dealing. He says it is because he never did anything like that. It isn't my fault that he didn't and maybe he should have but it's too late now. We're married and too old for any of that experimentation stuff. What's his problem, how do I get him over it and did I somehow do something wrong by being honest and open with him?
2006-12-29 13:03:09 · 17 answers · asked by Barb S 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I tried asking this question twice in the marriage and divorce section but it was always deleted as being a "violation of community guildlines",
and I thought we were suppose to be honest with our spouse and no, I wouldn't care what he did so long as it was before we were married but now that we ARE married it's too late and I think he has to just deal with it.
2006-12-29 13:12:14 · update #1
I'm glad that I'm getting some women to answer this, thks splashy and silver, cause I don't need all the guilt trip BS from the repressed guys.
2006-12-29 13:20:00 · update #2
I don't think that you were in the wrong for telling him. It took a lot to do that. I don't think that it is wrong to open and onsit with him. After all this was a long time ago and you have never seen these peope since then. I think that he has to let it sit in for a little while then it will slide over. No I don't think that anything should be your fault. You tried to make things right by telling him.
2006-12-29 13:09:09 · answer #1 · answered by splashykp 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Honey all you did was dump your garbage onto him. I fail to see what the point is after all these years. I have to agree with missie, you should have told him back then and let HIM decide if he wanted to marry someone who is capable of cheating and has no self control while under the influence. For him, its just as painful finding out now what happened back then, as it would be if you were to do it at the present time. Married or not, cheating is cheating when you are in a committed relationship with someone. Its not wrong. persay. that you told him but wasnt a very smart move. Your actions is what was wrong not to mention immoral. It is quite bothersome to hear you say that you dont feel quilty for the threesome itself. Tells a person that you are comfortable about infidelity as long as your partner knows about it.
2006-12-29 15:01:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the truth serves only one purpose, and that is to cause pain, it is better left unsaid.
-Chinese Proverb
But since the "cat is out of the bag" you're gonna have to step up to the plate and deal with the hurt you caused him my telling him this. IMO I do not think you did anything "wrong" by sleeping with others before you were married/committed, however, I think that you opened a can of old worms because you were feeling guilty & for some reason needed to get this off your chest. So now you have a problem . . . what do you do to "make it all go away". Honestly, it's like every other situation when someone we love feels betrayed & we loose their trust . . . we give it time, we rebuild their trust & we vow NEVER to tell them our little dirty secrets again.
Next time, pick up the phone & talk to your girlfriend if you feel the need to get something like this off your chest.
2006-12-29 13:21:19 · answer #3 · answered by NautyRN 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Actually yes you did do wrong. What were your reasons for telling him this after all these years? It was your own guilt. You wanted to unburden yourself of this and you did. In so doing you laid the burden of the knowlege of this threesome on your husband. It was a very selfish thing that you did.
You should have just kept it to yourself and went on with your life.
However since you did tell him, now you need to do some damage control. The two of you need to begin couples therapy immediately so that he can learn how to deal with this in a way that will not be destructive to the relationship. This really has the potential to be destructive to the marriage.
One thing you need to do is allow him to talk about this whenever he wants. You need to stay calm, not becoming defensive, and just listen. Validate his feelings. Let him know you understand that he is angry etc.
You should also consider taking this problem before God and praying for him to heal this wound.
Good luck to you and I hope everything works out.
2006-12-29 13:11:38 · answer #4 · answered by The OTHER Boelyn Chic 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
What felt right to you, in being honest and opening up, obviously didn't sit well with him. It probably would have been better left in the past, 'tho I can understand your motivation. Honesty isn't always the best policy, contrary to the cliche.
He will have to get over it himself; not sure what you can really do other than to say you just felt you needed to tell him. But don't be surprised if he holds it "over your head" in the future when you argue about things.
Sorry if this isn't particularly helpful!
2006-12-29 13:08:54 · answer #5 · answered by 60s Chick 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You were dating him when you cheated, so you should have told him then and let him decide whether or not he still wanted to marry someone who was unfaithful. I cant believe all these people saying you shouldn't have ever told him. He is your husband. You love him. (At least you're supposed to.) How could you keep a secret like that from him? And for so long? What kind of wife are you? I'm so glad I'm not the unfortunate one who married you. Your poor husband! Don't be surprised when he cheats on and leaves you.
2006-12-29 13:38:25 · answer #6 · answered by missie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi Barb -
What sort of relationship terms had you agreed to when this happened? Were you exclusivley dating? Had you 2 discussed and agreed to those terms?....at any rate, I am assuming that you had agreed to date only one another, which lead to your guilt feelings following your sexual encounter. That being said - his problem would be that he feels betrayed... It would have been better to not tell him at all... I wish I could tell you how to help him "get over it", but you cannot help him with that...he is hurt, and only time will heal that. Please do not take offense, but allow me to be honest with you - you asked above " did I somehow do something wrong by being honest and open with him"? Sorry, but yes, you did. You created a problem by telling him about something that he had no knowledge of, and probably would have never had any knowledge of. In other words, you could have taken that secret to the great beyond with you, for the sake of peace in your relationship. Us ladies tend to complicate relationships - trust me, if it would have been your Hubby with the sex secret, rest assured - he would not have uttered a single word to you. He would of had no reason to...he would have learned from his guilt feelings not to indulge in the same behavior again and soon laid the memory and guilt to rest. Men figure, why cause drama by telling her something that she doesn't know about anyway?! And they are right!! But us ladies feel this need to unload and tell all...which causes more problems than it solves - notice how men never tell all their personal history - but ladies run off at the mouth needlessly 99.9% of the time....also, be patient with your Hubby - he is hurt - the news is old for you, but this is current news to him because he is just now finding out about it, so his wounds are fresh! I hope everything turns out well for you 2 in the end, but learn from this - keep events that he does not need to know about to yourself.
2006-12-29 13:32:38 · answer #7 · answered by ST 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you were wrong for telling him. I do think however that you should have told him before you were married rather than holding the truth from him for so many years. He may also be upset because if you held back something like this from him he may think there is more that you haven't told him. It could affect how well he trusts you. If he really loves you he will forgive you for it, but it may take him some time to heal himself.
2006-12-29 13:28:05 · answer #8 · answered by lparker_2005 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, you made a mistake. Honesty is WAY overrated. Didn't you ever see that episode of Gilligans Island where some berry or something they found on the Island made them all tell the complete truth. They all hated eachother within a day or so.
2006-12-29 13:06:18 · answer #9 · answered by The Scorpion 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you made a mistake by finally telling him. Did you think there would be a positive outcome? All you can do is tell him it was long ago. Besides, you are never too old to experiement. Offer a MFF to make it up to him.
2006-12-29 13:22:00 · answer #10 · answered by P K 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋