was it my fault did i deserve it?

Question

me and my partner of 8 years was arguing tonight not relly bad untill i asked him if he had been behind my back with this girl called beth, he then threw the remote at me which hit me in the face then he said it was my fault cause i wound him up was it my fault? he has punched me before but that was along time ago which left me with a broken nose and 2 black eyes. we have 2 kids

my questions are
1- was it my fault cause i wound him up
2-what should i do (i cannot stay with relatives and do not want to go to a shelter

he is great with the kids never raises his voice at them cannot fault him there the house is a rented house in joint names

Answer 1

The problem with situations like this is that women actually do think the man will change when in all reality he wont, very rarely do men who beat their wives or children for that matter change. I know he isnt beating the children but do they witness what he does to you? Seeing or hearing what he does does just as much damage to them, only emotionally and on a mental level. Having to witness your mom being beat by your father is damaging to them and the sad thing is they will believe that behavior is OK if you don't put a stop to it.

I know its complicated and hard for a mother to figure out how to put a stop to somethng like that, especially if they believe the man involved loves them (not saying he doesnt) but if he did really love you he wouldnt treat you like that. You deserve more respect and just because he isnt using the same behavior on your children doesnt mean in the future he isnt capable of doing so. You need to get out now or find a way to make him get out.

It may not do any good to go to the police because most the time they dont do as much as they should do and it only further pisses off the man.

This is NOT your fault by any means, you do NOT deserve to be treated so disrespectfully and wrongly. Something needs to be done whether you have to go to a shelter or beg to stay with a family member or friend. You cant stay in the house with him because its only going to get worse over time.

Go talk to an abuse counselor if you have to to find different ways to get out and away from him, they will help you, they know what to do in these situations, its their job. You need to get out, stay in a shelter for a short time till you figure out what to do but dont keep subjecting yourself to his anger. Thats HIS problem not yours, you dont deserve it at all. Dont let him make excuses to hit you or throw things at you. If he loved you he wouldnt, keep that in mind. He's blaming YOU for HIS behavior...doesnt sound to me like he really cares if he hurts you, thats not love, there is no hope in change if he cant even admit what he's doing is wrong. Get some help, from somebody, dont wait for something else to happen.

Answer 2

NO its not your fault, that is a stupid excuse. If that were the case a lot of people would get away with child abuse and murder. He should be able to control his temper regardless of his anger, he could have yelled instead. I thought the same thing until my bf put me through a closet door (when I was pregnant )over something that he was mad that HE had done. You should leave because your kids are next and/or they don't need to see that and grow up thinking its OK for a man to treat a lady like that. There has to be somewhere you can go, coworker, friend. If it gets bad you might just have to go to a shelter. Look into state programs that provide housing too. Maybe you can stick it out until you get something. They work pretty quick sometimes if it urgent. Just be very careful! At the very least tell him that you need to go to counseling and he HAS to go to anger management. If that is out of the question then I guess its not that important to him that you and the kids stay.

Answer 3

I second lolaj00 and others here who are telling you that not only should you leave this violent man immediately but you should ensure that you get counselling because the years of abuse have disrupted your thinking to the point that you are blaming yourself for this monster's actions. Why can't you stay with relatives? Have you lost touch with them because of the behaviour of this man? Has he turned you against them and isolated you from your own family? Think hard about this - no matter what, blood is thicker than water and I am sure there will be at least one relative who will be only too glad to help you leave and start a new life with your children.

I would not wait another second, if it was me. I would take the kids and I would knock on every relative's door till someone let me in. More people are killed by their partners than anyone else - are you going to wait around for that to happen?

Good luck and be safe.

Answer 4

He may not have abused the kids in your eyes but just being around this abuse is abusive. Your children are being raised to think violence against women is acceptable. They are also being raised to think that violence is okay when you get mad. Your not teaching them proper coping skills. You are raising them to live in fear and that there Father abuses their mother. This is NOT healthy. You have an obligation to your children to get them out of that environment. If you don't then you are just as guilty.

No you didn't deserve it and No it is not your fault. Abuse is never the answer emotionally or physically. Sounds like he physically abused you and then went on to emotionally abuse you by telling you it was your fault.

Break this cycle of abuse and leave him. At the very least you should insist he get anger management and you both go through marriage counseling.

You are abusing your children by raising them in this household. You will cause damage that will last a lifetime. Wake up and put your kids first. How do you think they feel to know their Father does this? He has no respect for you not as a wife, not as a lover, not as a partner nor as the mother of his children.

What would you tell your child if they were in this situation?

Seek counseling for yourself as you have been brainwashed into thinking this behavior is acceptable. You also should be careful because if he reacted that way to your questions he has something to hide. Otherwise he wouldn't have acted that way.

Answer 5

The lady doth protest too much....or in this case the Man.

He seemed to have over reacted a little bit there don't you think just because you asked him if he'd slept with some Girl called "Beth" I think you may well have hit him harder than he hit you Honey.
I know if my Husband asked me if I had been with someone behind his back I'd react with laughter...if then I realised he was actually serious I wouldn't be throwing something at him to shut him up. I'd be reassuring him & wondering why he was feeling insecure about trusting me....

On the matter of whether it was your fault or not that he threw the remote at your face...No it wasn't...
If it was a game & he threw it across the room where it accidentally caught your face, that would be a different matter, but it wasn't...he actually threw it at you in order to shut you up because he did it in reaction to the question you put to him.

I think though that there are other concerns for you here aren't there? You’re not contemplating leaving the Man you've been with for the past 8 years & the Father of your Children to boot...over one mis-hap. As you say he has attacked you before leaving you with 2 black eyes & a broken nose.

How good…he’s a decent Father to his Children…what else should he be then…He’s a good father to the kids but a nasty wife beating bast*rd to their Mother…Yes…I’ll agree at least he isn’t abusing the Children physically & the fact that you have Children makes this situation all the more difficult to get out from….but how long will you allow this situation to continue, how far does it have to go before you say you’re worth more than this. Your Children witness this behaviour; they sense your fear…a fear you shouldn’t have to live with.

I'm afraid the advice I'd give you is not something you want to hear, you can't stay with relatives & you don't want to go to a shelter...turn this around a minute sweetie, let’s say I've come to you with this problem, what would you advise me to do. How would you see my future if I stayed put with a Man like this? What are the feelings I will be constantly experiencing as the years of my one & only life trumble by. Oh! & don't forget I have 2 Children, what effect will living this life have on them...would I be guilty of causing the events in my marriage to be repeated when my Children grow up, what kind of influence do you think I may be allowing to rub off on my little ones? Do you think I can honestly truthfully trust this Guy or is it all in my head? Should I have genuine concerns as to his possibly having cheated on me & if so, do you think he's cheated before or would do it again? Do I have the right to speak up for myself & ask questions that give rise to concern without the fear of him retaliating in a violent manner?
I'll leave you to think about those questions before you need to answer.
Oh & by the way...was it my fault that he threw the remote at my face or that he blacked my eyes & broke my nose?

I'm so sorry if this all comes across a little hard on you but often when people live in domestic violence (because that's what this is) they don't actually realise it until they get out.

Answer 6

So what you are saying is you enjoy being beaten. You need to get out now and take the kids with you as he will continue to be abusive until one of these days you will NOT be around to see your kids, period. Go to the Police and have a Restraining order put on him now and file assualt /abuse charges against him before it is too late. I have seen way too much of this crap over the yrs. Women who have been brought into the jail because the two of them got into an arguement stand there and have told us over and over again (when we ask if they want to press charges)"BUT I LOVE HIM"" he promised me he would never do this again. Well guess what this is again. The last lady I remember saying this --a month later she ended up 6 feet under. THINK ABOUT IT. YOU NEED TO GET THE KIDS and GET OUT NOW! Not tomorrow, last week would have been much better. Wether you provoked him or not is NO REASON for a man to hit a woman. Plus, if he were a ""REAL"" man he would have walked away. LOVE SHOULDN"T EVER HURT!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

First off... Abuse is NEVER OK.

Secondly... If he hits you or physically abuses you in any way call the police and file a report they will take him away in hand cuffs.

Finally... It would appear that you both need to seek counseling.
For the time being I would recommend that you live apart until you have figured out why he beats you. If asking questions provokes him to hurt you don't provoke him. It seems that you have stayed with him cause you feel STUCK.... there are programs out there that are alternatives to shelters. Contact Department of Child and Families in your state for additional information.

In the meantime do you have any friends that could help you get through this? It possible that this is a secret you keep from them or that you are too embarrassed to talk to them about which is why you are on here asking.

You need to remove yourself from this situation as soon as you can. If possible with your children. It is possible he will hurt them too.

You really need to stop this cycle and get some help or it will continue to get worse.

Remember that EVERYONE deserves RESPECT. Don't allow him to scare you into staying. That is terrorism no one should live like that.

I hope you will seek help as soon as you read this. Take care of yourself and your children. I hope everything works out.

Answer 8

No, it was not your fault. No one ever deserves to be struck. EVER!

If you can't stay with family, and you won't look into staying at a shelter ... do you have friends who would take you in for a few months while you get an apartment set up? If you work (steady job) there are lots of apartment complexes that have little or no money down to move in. True you would be living in a small apartment and $ would be tight but this is for your health and the happiness of your children.

Answer 9

No it isn't your fault and if he gets that angry over a question then it appears he is hidding something or is guilty. and no woman deserves being hit by a man, I stayed in a abusive relationship for a long time and four kids later I walked away. It can be done just set your mind to it, before it gets so out of hand you feel you don't have any where to turn, there is always another option you just have to find it. Good luck.

Answer 10

It sounds as though your partner has a violent temper and is taking his relationship with you for granted. There is NO EXCUSE in the whole world that will justify anyone punching you or throwing objects at you. That was assault and battery, any way one looks at it and that is against the law! If your "friend" cannot control his temperamental outbursts enough to avoid injuring you with the objects he gets the urge to throw across the room at you, he needs to get some serious anger management from a good psychiatrist and you need to move out and get as far away from this maniac as you can get, unannounced, ASAP! Please, Just do it! Your life is in imminent danger and it will only get worse. If he touches you again, call the police and press charges in order to document his attacks against you. By keeping it quiet, you are protecting him from prosecution and enabling him to abuse you even more. You ARE going to be killed if you stay and that will not help your 2 children. You can deal with their permanent custody at a later time. Best wishes to you and your children.

Answer 11

It is definitely NOT your fault. The fact that you think it is proves that he has probably been mentally abusing you for a long time and broken you down.

You should have left him after the first time he hit you, but you should definitely leave now since you know that it can happen again. Even though he does not hit the children, it sends a destructive message to them to see it happen to you (or know that it has happened if they don't witness it).

Why can't you go to a shelter? They can help you so much. Otherwise, you are going to have to make a longterm plan to leave - hide money for yourself to save and leave.

Good luck and take care of yourself!