Dont think
dont think of him as gone
think of him as "see ya later"
dont think of it as 6 feet under
thinkof it as right next to you
Dont think...he is the atumn mist
on a silent spring night
Dont think of him as dead
think of him as waiting for you
Dont think...he is the light breeze
sent from birds in cicled flight
dont think of him as buried
think of him as resting in your heart
Dont think...when you wake up
shhh....he is the uplifting breeze
~~ashley~~
2006-12-29 07:44:51 · 14 answers · asked by Chi 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Get a free account at poets.org and share your poems over there. I do it all the time! You wil get some excellent feedback.
2006-12-29 07:46:48 · answer #1 · answered by texascrazyhorse 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to be honest, so nothing personal. I think you have a powerful idea here, but you're using quite cliched devices. The way you speak directly to the reader makes this seem like a better song than a poem. You can speak to reader, I believe, only if you're as direct and terse as possible. It's still better not to. I understand that repetition is an important literary device, but here, it turns me off. Your imagery is a bit cliche. Try pulling descriptions you have experienced or been immersed in firsthand. Try to write as no one has written before. You want to aim for a phrase that will make someone stop and say, "I like that," or "I get it."
But Ashley, don't take me too harshly. I'm just trying to give advice from one poet to another. You do have a talent, and you're great at taking an idea and making it stick to the reader. Thanks for reading my comment and being brave enough to let people critique you. Just try to stay true to your voice.
2006-12-29 16:42:54 · answer #2 · answered by Emmy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ashley's Got Talent!
2006-12-29 15:56:31 · answer #3 · answered by waltzorro 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was a very insightful poem. You need to share this with others. this poem has rhythm and style. It was very beautiful. It wasn't to long. It was nice. It brings out emotions. Keep up the good work
2006-12-29 15:53:28 · answer #4 · answered by Chelly luv 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I really like it I am interpreting it as for someone that has passed on. Is that the way you mean it and if not it is still beautiful.
2006-12-29 15:55:14 · answer #5 · answered by puzzled 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ashley I lost my concentration ..thinking and not thinking
try again ..good luck
2006-12-29 15:49:27 · answer #6 · answered by JJ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's fairly cheesy, sorry. You also misspelled "atumn" and "cicled"
2006-12-29 15:50:34 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice!!! Very touching.
2006-12-29 15:54:04 · answer #8 · answered by Doll 101 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it okay, but use spell check next time.
2006-12-29 15:53:23 · answer #9 · answered by Rawr_Kitty 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very nice. It flows well. I liked it.
2006-12-29 16:44:18 · answer #10 · answered by dreamer 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋