To the citizens of the United States of America?

Question

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only inEngland. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Answer 1

The mayo goes on the "sammich," not the chips. And there is no such thing as an American car, the smallest "car" we got is the Ford F-150 (basically an 18-wheeler missing 14 of its wheels). I personally like my tank, the Hummer.

Andy McDowell must have slept with the director, cause I agree on that point about the cheese grater ear deal.

In all fairness, you can put Tony Blair in charge. He takes all his orders from Bush anyway. He's such a good boy, yes he is. Put a treat on his nose, he does this great flipping trick you just got to see.

Normally I'd agree with the football thing, but soccer sucks. Also with the loss of football comes the loss of John Madden, and that guy makes the most awesome games I've ever played.

And please don't toss out the House and Senate, that is the best circus in town. Even better than Barnum and Bailey's Circus. It's not Parliament funny, or even Prince Charles' face/ears funny; but its the best we have.

Answer 2

You've got to be kidding right...

While I agree we don't have the best president currently, he will be out of office soon and I believe we have learned our lesson and will vote better in 2008.

However England taking over is a joke you can't take back something you didn't give. We took our independence and I believe we are going to keep it.

Thanks anyway

A Citizen of the United States of America

BTW:Thanks for the Laugh

Two other things
I haven't seen Four Weddings and a funeral in quite a while but wasn't she American in the movie married to an Englishman?

Hugh Grant plays a good guy in some of our Movies.

Answer 3

Well now I did know about Aluminium and how your people pronounce it but we still pronounce it as Aluminum -but we (Americans) Left your Country because we were tired of all of your petty rules and regulations-I will give you one point you were correct about and that is some people in this country did elect a buffoon to run our government and to this day I haven't the slightest clue as to WHY.And I have been deeply ashamed of America's (by america's I mean our current administration)choices especially this whole WAR problem--sigh

Answer 4

You know, as much as I am a fan of Monty Python's Flying Circus and think that they couldn't have picked anyone better than John Cleese to replace Desmond Llewellyn as "Q," I'd really like to give Sir John an enema with a Roto-Rooter for that diatribe. So let me pull a modified quote from Kevin Kline (a.k.a. Otto from "A Fish Called Wanda"): "Oh, you English are SO superior, aren't you? Well, do you know where you'd be if it wasn't for us, the good old U.S. of A? I'll tell you where you'd be: The smallest f**king island in the Russian Empire! So don't look down your snooty noses at us and call us stupid! THANK us!"

Answer 5

It would have to take one hell of a situation for the President to declare a national emergency of such magnitude and length as to be able to implement such an ID card program. Don't sweat it.

Answer 6

We can live with everything but 6, 12, 15, 17 and 18. You want to refight the American Revolution*? Just try to get us to give up football, baseball and Budweiser. As for God Save The Queen, wasn't that the Sex Pistols?

*Just to be fair, you can have France on your side this time.

Answer 7

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
No entiendo todo, pero mas que entiendo es muy divertido.

Gracias, Spaceiva, Gung Hei Fat Choy, y Svnogem Godem!

Answer 8

To: Mr: Queen's Majesties' lackey

SUBJ: Your "reposession" of our libert

Dear. Mr. Cweef, I'll be waiting on my porch with evidence of my 2nd amendment rights on my lap. I got your revocation riiiiight here buddy.

Answer 9

Oh, hush! You won't be so cheeky when Pitiful Prince Charles becomes king. Hopefully he'll abdicate in favor of William. Oh, and there's no such word as "aluminium".

Answer 10

In my hometown in Kansas, they already put in a bunch of roundabouts. Nobody sent us the memo saying we were exempt.