How do I deal with an abusive mother?

Question

I am almost 21. My mother, I used to think, was the ideal mother. She was strict, with just enough liberal in her to let me learn some things the hard way.. I recently got engaged, and my fiance and I have made plans to move further north.. and my mother has since turned into this cruel slavemaster and has made it difficult for me to live in her house. I have no means at all whatsoever to move out, since I go to school and work part time and barely make enough to take care of my car. She makes me do EVERYTHING in the house, even when she could just as easily do it. Even when I HAVE done things, she yells at me and tells me I haven't done a good enough job. She berates me and demeans my very existance sometimes. She tells me I'm ungrateful (which is hardly the truth. I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, but I'm getting tired of being treated like a baby.) It's putting a heavy strain on my romantic relationship because she does the same thing to him when he's with me! Help!

I AM the youngest of her children.. but from what my siblings tell me, this kind of behaviour is why THEY moved out in the first place. My whole family thinks she's crazy. I'm starting to see why.

Answer 1

she may not know what she is doing but from what it sounds like she is making your relationship hard to deal with in order to make it easier to let you go...

thank her for the wonderful years that she has mothered you, list the lessons she taught you that you are taking with you, praise her for raising such a good kid, and then tell her that lately she seems to look at you differently and treat you in a way that is VERY in characteristic of her, but that you love her anyway and will miss her VERY much.

then tell her that you hope that someday you will be as good of a mother as she has been to you...and let it go. if you must respond to her natiness say something like "wow i am sure you didnt mean to but that really hurt my feelings" or "i am sure you didnt mean to come off this way but you sounded really mean when you said that"

just do your part, be the adult, to this woman who obviously is having a very hard time adjusting to the fact that her kids are grown up and wont be needing her any more...and to that you need to ask her if it is still alright to call her and ask her for advice now and then...and do it, ateast once a week once you move call and ask for a recipe, or what type of cleanser to use, or anything trivial...

just try and remember that this woman has been mothering for over 21 yrs and now she needs to find a new way of living, its a major adjustment for her.

good luck...the peace maker!

Answer 2

It is a tough situation, to really give a solution that does it justice I would have to know your family's history. So here's an answer assuming family history problems:

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If it turns out your father ran away from you mother, was often drunk, or had other problems this likely explains your mother's attitude. In this case, she probably is either VERY scared that
1) if you don't support yourself 100% your mate will take advantage of you OR
2) she is partly very jealous you have the chance to get into the good relationship she never got for herself.
She likely was, as you said LIBERAL, because she wanted you to feel liberated and tough enough to support yourself without a man. She also is likely so terribly berating and demanding because she is dramatizing to be 100% sure you do not end up depending on a guy and being ditched like she was.

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How do you deal with this?

I would address family problems with her and ask her straight out about her past and what she may be afraid would happen to you. After doing this, I would ask your fiance over and have all you three discuss it and make it very clear neither of you two deserve your mother's berating and she should only bring up problems when she's willing to ALSO be part of their solutions.

I would then slowly but surely make strides to show her, for example, you act responsibly with every bit of independence you get.
I would also tell her straight out you need the time you are doing chores for her to do actual paid work and let her know "I work hard and unless my boss says I am a bad worker I really don't need to hear this...and my boss has not complained yet." if she complains you "don't have what it takes" to be a good worker.

I'd consider trying for a second job, whatever it takes, and perhaps even take a bit of your earnings to, for example, hire a maid to help your mother out, figuring you can make more money at work than lose paying the maids (plus this way you avoid more conflict with your mom: she'll have to "blame the maids" instead of you).

If you do all of the above for a few months and your mother still has not budged, I would find an inexpensive place to live where you can walk to work for awhile (to avoid your car expenses' holding you captive). Meanwhile, do well in school and, when you get out of school, get a better job where you can support yourself easily with no one's help. Only then should you consider moving out with your fiance.

DO NOT make your fiance support you and suddenly move somewhere: that's a sure way to make yourself very vulnerable if anything fails in the relationship: he can even force you into an abusive relationship. You should make enough money you can support yourself before you shack up.

Best luck.

Answer 3

Consider her point of view...
You live there totally rent free and pay for only your car. Maybe she considers the work that she expects you to do as sort of a part time barter job. You do the household chores and in return you have a warm cozy house, food over your head, all utilities paid, and I bet she pays for your car insurance too. Who pays for your cell phone? Who buys your feminine items?
Then in her view, you grudgingly do a slipshod job of the chores and feel so put upon because you think that she should be doing them herself just because "she could just as easily do it". You ARE ungrateful. She doesn't owe you a living. You're lucky to be still living at home with your every need met so you can pretty much focus on your education and your fiance. I bet you spend time with him, even though you're telling her you just don't have the time to do the chores she wants done, right? How about you try to think about all the college students who have to get out right after high school, take out loans, work several part time jobs and try to keep an apartment with roomates that may or may not pay their share or do their share of keeping the place half way decent. That ride a bike because there is no money left over for a car, insurance or gas. How about you consider SHOWING your mom that you aren't ungrateful by cheerfully doing the things she expects in return for HER generosity? If you count up the cost of keeping you, and divide it by the hours (or minutes) you put in doing those chores, you'll see that you're getting pretty well reimbursed for your effort. Now try to grow up a little.

Answer 4

That's a rough one! The only way to end it is to get out! You are in her house and sounds like she's not gonna let up anytime soon. Did she change like this when you told her you were leaving? Maybe she's hurting cause she doesn't want you to get married or leave, you are only 21. Just fresh out of teen age. Do you have a friend or another relative you can move in with temporarily until you and your fiance move? 21 is grown but many times young people can't meet all the challenges of adulthood. Maybe you can sit down and talk with your Mother, if she will communicate with you, and get to the bottom of why she is acting this way.

Answer 5

Well you should talk to your fiance and try and make arrangements to move in together, or wait it out. You are living in your mothers home therefor fall under her rules. Though she is being very harsh. You can also have a talk with her and let her know that you don't want to move out in bad terms, specially if you move north and are far from her, that would create animosity between you and her and she might not get to see you after you move. It is really her loss if she continues this.

Answer 6

Is there anyone you can go stay with? get out girl i know the feeling i went threw the same kind of thing so i moved out for a year and now i am back home and things are different she respects me more because she saw that she pushed me away good luck

Answer 7

She is probablly sad because u are planning to leave and she will miss u a lot but u have to talk to her and ask her what is wrong with her if u really want to know mabe she just can't let go or she doesn't like your fiance but mostly she is probablly just afraid to let u go talk to her and ask and if that doesn't work then talk to someone close to her and maybe they can tell u

Answer 8

Oh my, the medeling mother! Ay yay yay. Maybe it's time for you to move on. I had strict parents too, she's still going to love you when your gone. Trust me. I can't get mine to leave me alone now! LOL. I moved from PA to Florida. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. Good luck!

Answer 9

I know how you feel, my mom is screaming at me as we speak...no joke.... trust me talking to her won't help, I guess you just have to endure it, she doesn't hate you though, she probably is just realising how much she's gonna miss you when you leave(esp. if you're the last one).....
For now the best advice I can give is to make as less contact with her as possible. Stay in you're room, or go out if you can.. But hardly anything will change how she treats you now.

Answer 10

Have you tried talking to her? Expressing what you feel? Maybe she is going through the "empty nest" syndrome? I don't know. But a little communication would come in handy here. Maybe even some counseling?