My husband used to cheat on me before we got married and I didn't even know about it until after we were married. I forgave him and stayed but now every time we fight, I always bring it up. I just cannot seem to put it behind me. Don't tell me to divorce him.
I just want to know how I can put the past behind me and move on to the present and what lies ahead.
2006-12-29 07:08:49 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
A cars rear view mirror is very small and the wind shield is very big.. Why? Because whats behind u isnt as important as whats in front of u...
2006-12-29 07:10:44 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hello,
I advise you to just let it go. What was done before you and your husband took vows should not be coming into your marriage. The day that you were married should have been the day of a new begining a new chapter for you and your husband.
How can you put the past behind you? I suggest that the next time you and your husband have a tiff tiff count to 10 and then say what you need to say without bringing up the past.
If you continue to beat a dead horse you'll soon find yourself by yourself. No one wants to hear something over and over again from their past. He married you because he loves you and I'm sure you mean the world to him. So this isn't hard at all you just need to make up your mind that it's time to let what he done BEFORE you were married go.
Here's an idea for you.. get a hellium ballon with a string, go outside and say to that ballon inside is the past I refuse to allow the past to ruin what I have now and I am letting go right now! And when you do this mean it with all your might! Let that ballon go and float away!
This might sound like a crazy idea but trust me it'll help you visualize and see that it's easy to let go if you want too.
Arguing is something all married couples do there are some good time and bad times. But it doesn't have to be something were at the end of the day you've both brought up things from way back when, when it has nothing to do with the argument to begin with.
I wish you the best of luck and remember you can do this and will do this. Your a strong woman and this you will overcome I promise.
Take care of yourself and in the new year 2007 I wish for you all the happiness, love and peace your heart and hand can hold. I'm not even concerned on if you'll let it go because I have a very strong feeling you will.
2006-12-29 07:44:26 · answer #2 · answered by ssgtmommy01 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Has he cheated on you since you've been married? If he hasn't, cut him some slack. By continuing to bring up things that happened before you were married, you're telling him that you'll never trust him again. Think of how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Wouldn't you want him to forgive you? You get past it by not bringing it up...ever again. Even if you think he might be cheating on you sometime in the future. Don't throw old rocks. What's done is done, and needs to stay in the past. If he cheats again, it's a whole new ballgame, and you'll need to deal with it on a whole different level. Bringing up the past, for no reason other than to hurt him, will show him that you'll dig as deep as possible in order to hurt him. Why? What does it profit you to do so? Does it make you feel so much more superior to him, just because you haven't cheated on him? Be careful...everyone has the capacity to fall. It's all a matter of the right set of circumstances. When you fight, fight fair. Only bring up current matters. Leave the past where it should be...in the past. You say you've forgiven him. You prove that you're a liar every time you bring it up. Hey, don't get mad at me! It's true. Think about it. There IS a way to fight, and not fight dirty. Every couple fights, but doing it constructively is what makes the difference. When you fight, you should always look for ways to heal, not hurt. Find out what the real problem is. Ask why there's a problem. Get to the heart of the matter. Then, compromise. That's what marriage is...a series of compromises, allowing both to retain their dignity, yet live in peace with each other. By throwing the past in his face, you remove his dignity. He thought you forgave him and moved on. When you remind him of his failing, you take whatever dignity he had and show him how weak you think he is, even after all this time. I'm sure that's not what you really want out of this argument, but that's what you get. Not many guys will continue to put up with that kind of treatment for very long. Work on making him look forward to coming home, and you won't find much reason to argue. <*)))><
2006-12-29 07:23:06 · answer #3 · answered by Sandylynn 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well carrying old demons with you & allowing them 2 resurface by bringing it up isnt doing anything except opening up old wounds. He should be the 1 however making the effort 2 make right by this and regaining your trust. You cant force him2 do any of this though obviously so if he's not taking the intiative 2 make a change in your relationship 4 the better than its possible nothing has changed in his mind...as far as what led him2 do it in the past. Time heals all wounds though so whether the 2 of you stay together or not this is something that only u can let go of 4yourself. There is no right way 2 do it or a no time frame 2 do it in. U just have 2separate yourself from the past & dont carry around the guilt or blame of it around on your shoulders. It's hurting you and no1 else, i can asure u of that
2006-12-29 07:14:19 · answer #4 · answered by Trinity 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
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2016-11-24 23:23:55 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You Cant keep bringing it up! You use it cause you know it hurts him when you're mad. But neither one of you will be able to heal if you keep bringing it up. Not only that but he might think "well i might as well since she already thinks I am". Be a good wife ever and he won't want to. Not to mention some guys don't see a relationship as a REAL commitment like marriage. You know that you need to stop so your heart can heal too. It takes time to regain trust when that happens, bringing it up will only make you both bitter. You married him after the fact, that has to mean something. Good luck, I now it hurts.
2006-12-29 07:27:55 · answer #6 · answered by hot mama 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Dear lady, I share your plight in too many ways to go into right now. This question so haunted me that I sought the help of a professional therapist, and was advised thus. Your hurt, anger, and resentments are all very real and very normal responses to your situation. Basically what you must come to terms with is whether or not you can get over it. Therefore you need to conduct this little experiment. Being brutally honest with yourself, sit down and make a list of pros and cons both for staying with your husband and for leaving him. I would suggest that, like my own situation, either your hubby has belittled your pain, or tried to make it appear that your lack of trust is a flaw in you. Point blank, if you are not important enough for him to understand that his actions are reprehensible, and therefore it falls 100% in his court to regain your trust, then perhaps it would be best for you to move on. All my best wishes to you in this trying time.
2006-12-29 07:18:07 · answer #7 · answered by porhtronranie2 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
We can't control how we feel, but we can control how we act. When you feel the feelings of the past come into your head, do everything in your power to switch modes inside yourself to something else. Even if you have to constantly repeat "Be Here Now" whatever it takes to get your mind out of the past and into the future. What is important is the present and what is ahead. The past is dead and gone and there is nothing we can do to change it. Time will help you move on, and your partner needs to do everything in his power to make you feel safe in the relationship- total honestly, complete openness with nothing hidden. His consistent actions will ease your mind as time goes on. It's hard, but you can do it.
2006-12-29 07:13:35 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
It takes time. Once you have been betrayed and hurt the trust
is broken. If he is sorry then he is trying to make it up to you to
trust him once more. Its okay to have doubt. Its not a good to
keep bringing it up to him After a while he will get tired of hearing it when he has tried to reassure you he is not cheating. Words leave hurt feelings inside also. You need to talk about this not fight. If you can't overcome this you may need outside help. Not being able to forgive will only tare you apart as well. Good luck to you. I hope he is staying faithful.
2006-12-29 07:30:38 · answer #9 · answered by sandra g 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Forgiving can be hard and I am sorry for all that you have gone through but perhaps changing the way you think can help. In your life have you done everything right? I think, if you are like me, you've screwed up too. Maybe not in the same way but none the less made a mess of things somewhere along the line. You are human and so is he. Forgive as you wish to be forgiven.
2006-12-29 07:24:03 · answer #10 · answered by gtahvfaith 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋