How do I untangle myself from the mess I've gotten myself into? Sleeping with soon2be exhusband & his cousin

Question

I had a bad marriage. It was hell the first three years. We were separated, I filed for divorce, thought that it was a total waste, and over. Well, husband finally saw that there was a problem, and got started on getting his stuff together.

But while he was realizing that I was ready to leave and give up....his cousin and I got close. What started as emotional support, turned into a relationship.....behind my husband's back.

Now, there are ups and downs with my husband (divorce not final yet). Somedays it seems possible to work it out. Other days, I see clearly why I filed. But there is a spark we have together that I have never had with or for anyone else (when it's good).

With his cousin....he is emotionally supportive, and the relationship is good in every way. But he's my husband's COUSIN.

For this reason I feel that it will NEVER work, that it could ONLY be a fling. He tries to convince me otherwise, and is willing to do anything to maintain what we have.

I know...

I know I can't have it both ways, and that I have to make a choice.......but I haven't been able to yet. When i try to break it off with one..........they work over time to make up, and stay in my life. I know if one or both finds out that I am playing both sides of the fence, there will be hell to pay..........I just don't know which to pick, or how to cut feelings off for the other.

Incidently, my husband and I have a two year old baby. He is not working right now.
His cousin is financially helpful, emotionally supportive, mature, selfless, etc.
My husband is generally selfish at times, and not very considerate......

I don't know what the heck to do. They both have qualities I adore. But I made vows to my husband. He cheated in the beginning of our marriage......but I just don't know what the heck to do.

I'm so confused and i've got alot going on in my life right now. Please, give some advice. Please.

Answer 1

If you feel that there is some hope for your marriage, then do everything you can to work it out. Go to counseling, work on your communication skills, come clean with each other about everything.

If you are positive that your relationship is beyond repair, end your marriage.

Before you mov on to another relationship, take a Relationship Breather. Don't go falling into another situation when you haven't unloaded the emotional baggage of the first one. Steer clear of your husband's cousin. As wonderful as he's been, you need to be emotionally and financially independent. Plus, whether or not he's a cousin, he's a man and you need a Man Break.

Clean up your emotional messes, don't create any additional situations. Get a clear mind so you can make the best possible decisions for yourself and your child. Look for bad patterns in your relationships and avoid them. Your relationship with his cousin may seem good because everything else in your life was so bad. Get a clear enough mind to make sure you're not just running from man to man in hopes of them fixing your situation. You're the only one who can "fix" what's wrong in your life.

Good luck!

Answer 2

You are falling into the oldest trap in the book. Whenever you are in something you do not like anything that gives you an escape will seem to be the solution to your situation. But I can assure you that when you and you husband...not ex-husband's cousin live together and you bring with you the baggage from your failed marriage. You will see then he is not the perfect man you envision him to be. He has flaws, habits, ways of doing things, and who knows whatelse. So don't be fooled by the window dressing. The grass is never greener on the other side. It just looks that way.

Sometimes, I don't understand women. You say you were in a bad marriage but I can assure you that it didn't get that way with only him to blame. You were in the marriage to so whatever it became you have to bare some of the burden as well. For some reason when a person in a marriage feel they were wronged in some way they want to sit the failure of the marriage at the feet of that person. Well I am here to say that you got married together, had a child together, and you failed together. No more of this he did it, she did it crap.
Now on to the relationship. Woman you need to stop the Jerry Springer foolishness. I am sure you have seen that show and laughed at those people on there and said they are so stupid. Well thats you now sitting in that chair on Jerry's stage. Maybe not in reality but I see you sitting there. Leave that man's cousin alone. As if life is not hard enough without messing around with your husband's cousin before you are even divorced no less. Tell him that if he really cared about you, you know really cared he would have said hey this is not right. I need to show you some level of respect and wait until things between you and your husband are really over. Take some time and think about that.

Oh, just so you know how in the hell are you gonna get things right with your husband if you are doing this foolishness behind his back. Of course it is not gonna work cause you are not truly dedicated to it. It has failed before you even decided to make it work. Stop it, stop it , stop it! If a guy were doing what you are writing here he would be crucified.

Answer 3

Get into counselling. You say the marriage was hell for the first three years and that he cheated on you- deadly combination. He has shown he has no respect for you, and his actions seem to only come when he starts to realise what he's going to lose. You almost have a guarantee that as soon as he knows he has you again, he will start treating you poorly again. The cousin has no respect for family or marriage, or would stay far away from his cousin's wife. What makes you think he'd respect any relationship he has with you? You are showing you have no respect for your marriage or you wouldn't have gotten involved with your husband's cousin, hence in my opinion you are not in a state of mind right now to have a healthy relationship with anyone. My advice? Get away from them both. Go back to school and find a field that will give you enough self esteem to make better choices in men in the future and become the best person you can be so your child has a positive role model- they are going to need it!

Answer 4

*** we can't choose who u spend the rest of your life w/. i understand that your confused and sometimes time away is the only solution. u need to clear your head, and not have the outside influences of these 2 guys messing things up.

from what you've said tho'... i think u know the answer deep down. i almost hate to go any further on this, but u say u want help.
~ ups and downs w/ your husband? weigh them out...are there enuf ups to make u forget the downs?
~u made vows to your husband? a divorce is kinda like saying you retracted those vows
~he cheated on u? that's pretty much a vow breaker right there
~cousin..relationship is good in every way? why would u turn away from that? don't u deserve that?

I think u spelled everything out there all by yourself. Sometimes you've gotta know when to walk away, and I think u honestly know that's the case w/ your husband. u KNOW u need to walk away. you're HOPING that's not the case, but u know in your heart of hearts that it's over. As for the cousin...that COULD work...I mean, from what you're saying he sounds like a great guy. Thing is...u don't feel right about it considering this whole relationship's been a secret and b/c of his relationship to your husband. i don't think you can let it happen...not if everyone found out about it.

I really think u need to move on. Distance yourself from both these guys...and i know it's hard...but u can do it. You have to realize u can make it on your own. After that...that's when you'll find the someone you're really looking for.

Answer 5

You have gotten yourself into quite a pickle. You have a child with your husband. Even if it were possible for you to work it out with your husband's cousin, Your husband will be in your life for quite sometime. Also there is the family to consider. Of course the sneaking around, wanting someone you can't have etc... is great (forbidden fruit), however in the long run Your husband's cousin will never trust you. Initially he will act as if he trust you however look what you are doing with him. Also your husband is making every effort to correct his mistakes. You married him for better or for worse. Not for better or ELSE. Just some added advice to you and all who reads; YOU NEVER GET EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM ANYONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX . EMOTIONAL SUPPORT LEADS TO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO THAT PERSON. If you choose the cousin how likely will it be that you will marry this man and live happily ever after???

Answer 6

It seems to me that you are waffling around trying to find the right guy, rather than figuring out who you are and what you want.

Either you want to commit to your husband and work on your problems or you don't. Imagine this other guy is not in the picture as your fall back guy. If you didn't have fall back guy, would you still want to work it out with your husband?

YES OR NO?

Look into your heart for the answer.

If the answer is no, then get out already and stop wasting everyone's time.

If the answer is yes, then go to a counselor with your husband. Tell him the truth about your affair with his cousin. HE will then have to decide how he feels about you after that and that decision is his right to make. If he decides to continue to work on your marriage, I would strongly urge counseling because you will now have an affair with his COUSIN to work thru in addition to your other problems. It is almost impossible that a couple could work through that much crap without good professional help.

And whether or not he kicks you to the curb, then I would advise you to take some time to figure out why you turn to inappropriate sexual relationships for emotional support rather than relying on female friends for help.

Answer 7

Probably need to cool it with the cousin for now. Talk to him about it and try to agree on stopping for a while and let you get your crap together. Then you need to make a decision with your husband and stick to it.
You can't hide this very long and it will come out. Take care of business in the proper sequence. Close the door with your husband; meaning do one or the other.

Answer 8

i do no longer see the issue given which you the two have been courting different persons and replaced into separated. If i replaced into your husband i could choose for to be attentive to you ought to in basic terms enable him be attentive to and the faster the greater effectual this isn't comparable to somebody cheating and don't tell with the aid of fact this you won't be able to cover. the actual issue is going to be the very fact you stored it from him. And if its to no longer late for an abortion you could evaluate that yet tell your husband and the two one in each and every of you strengthen up and commence being responsible adults and supply up taking part in video games with your marriage with the aid of fact with the aid of fact of this you're in this mess is given which you probably did no longer take care of your courting themes like responsible adults so he has no reason or no place to get mad at you and you do no longer ought to experience undesirable you the two screwed up and indexed under are the outcomes. so now collectively decide the main suitable way out of this.

Answer 9

stick with the husband you have with him a vow and a spark and a child the emotional support turned into a relationship because he was meeting needs that your husband wasnt and your husband is now trying to meet those needs but he will not be fully successful until you break it off with the cousin

Answer 10

You sound like a flake and are trying to justify your infedelity. First you need to grow up. Two, his cousin is a pig to do this to him. Three, I don't care how bad the marriage was, nothing constitutes infedelity. If he did it to you, you'd be livid, right?!! And lastly, you have a baby with this man. Do what's right for your child, not your stupid emotional needs. You don't matter anymore. Do what's right for your baby. Money isn't everything. Free yourself from everyone and grow up before you reproduce again. I feel bad for the men involved here.