serious dilemma: boyfriend doesnt want my mother at birth!?

Question

i am pregnant with my first child, baby isnt due till next year but already there are problems, i cant stand my mother in law, and i dont see why she should be watching the birth. My boyfriend thinks i am out of order, but i want him and my mother there.

i dont see why she should expect to watch me give birth. and my boyfriend is being really horrible and is saying its either him or my mum.

who did u have at your birth? and am i being out of order? i need my mums support and assumed that would be ok. please help.

Answer 1

i havent had a child but my mum said it was only my dad and my nanna (on her side) for me and my sisters my dad had to work late so her sister was there. its not unreasonable because if you think about it you wouldnt mind the dad there because he had sex with you in the first place and your mum is sort of the person who you would have always gone to as a kid and this continues into adulthood.

so tell him that she is not going to be there, she can see the baby in hospital afterwards but there is no way she is being there for the actual birth and if he doesn't like it then he can lump it.

at least you'll have ur mum there for support, maybe if you need another person you could have a sister or close female friend who you don't mind being there.

Answer 2

I have went through labor 4 times without medication, and I believe since it is your body and pain, you should be allowed to decide who is or isn't in the room for the birth. I also think his mother should be allowed to see her grandchild after it is born, so maybe she could be there but wait in the waiting room during the actual birth. I would also attempt to come to some kind of terms with your mother in law. She will be your childs grandma and your child should not feel pulled between the two of you. You should both try toget along for the child that you both will love so much. As for the birth though that will be one of the most exhausting things you will ever do physical and mentally you should have final say, and your husband should stand by your wishes. I my self had over 10 people at each of my birth's and 27 at one, because I invited my mom, my father and mother in law, and my sister and brother in laws to all my childrens' births. It was wonderfull having all the support. There was always someone to help me, and all the work didn't fall to my husband. He was very scared, and it relieved him to know he was not the only person I had for support, so he was able to enjoy the birth of his children more. The baby also was welcomed into the world with so much happiness and love all around them. It really is a wonderfull experience however you choose to have it happen. As long as you are happy and comfortable with your birthing experience. All that matters is a happy healthy baby and mom. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I think all should calm down and look at the bigger joyful picture that a fantastic event is coming: the birth of a baby which is fantastic + congrats to you. I am not sure who is right or wrong on whose mother should be there, but for me personally, the birth act is as intimate as the creation of the baby. So for me I think just you + your boyfriend should be there for this special moment. You are clearly very close to your mum + she is a huge support, but it may be best that she stands back on this occasion. I sincerely wish you well in resolving this, remember the bigger picture + not get caught up in the nitty gritty...also remember you will never keep all persons happy all of the time, so think as to what YOU really want. If you still really feel passionate that your mum should be there, it is fair that you should call the shots more as you will be the one doing the hard work in the labour.

Answer 4

You need your mum's support yes but the only person that should be with you is your partner. After all you were both involved in making this new life. Personally I have never heard of any woman wanting her mother in on such a private time. I repeat it is for you and your partner only. His mother should not even have considered her involvement as an option. As the two mothers are sort of involved then it is easy. Not one or the other but neither. Tell them both that they are welcome tp see you at the earliest convenient time after the birth but you must be fair to both.
It also very sad that you cannot stand your mother in law as there will come a time when she as a Grandparent will be of great benefit to you. So try to make your peace overall with her.
Finally, you seemed to have assumed that your Mum can be there but have obviously not discussed that decision with the boyfriend. Have you thought that for what ever reason, he might hate your Mother and have the same feelings about the whole affair as you do.
Stop now and talk before it all gets out of hand but above all deffinately no to both mothers at the birth. I saw my two boys born at home and there was just me and the midwife each time. Both mums were down stairs waiting and were delighted at hearing the first cry and were invited to the bedroom within 10 minutes. They were both very happy and enjoyed the experience together.
Best of luck and a Happy New Year.

Answer 5

The birth of your first child is transformational for you and your partner.

I had both my mother and my husband there and, at one point, I threatened to kick both of them out. My midwife told me that she often has to kick mothers and or husbands out of the delivery room, but mothers and mothers in law more often than partners.

The reason? Mothers and mothers in-law often try to tell the woman giving birth what to do or cause anxiety when their own children are in pain. Having given birth does not make anyone an expert at how birth should happen.

The main thing is, you and your partner have to make this about your relationship, your baby and your family. If you turn this into a power struggle, it doesn't bode well for your future as a couple or a family. Besides, pregnancy is long and every birth is different.

When push comes to pushing, it really won't matter who is there, it will be you and some primal force of nature and only you can do it.

Does it worry you that this situation is taking up the energy you and your partner should be using to learn about birth and the options available to you? You haven't said anything about birth preparation classes, pain relief methods, or any of the things you should be learning together. Birth is not a spectator sport. It is a truly active event you need to prepare for.

Answer 6

Its not up to anyone, including your boyfriend who you have at the birth-its you who's having the baby, and you don't need the added stress of having someone there who you cant stand.Your boyfriend sounds like he is being extremely childish.I had my mother at the birth of my second child,and she was the first person to hold her, and my partner didn't bat an eyelid or think it was strange in any way. Lots of mothers and daughters like to experience birth together,its a very special thing,and I'm sorry, but your partners mother IS NOT your own mother, and having your mother in law their wont replace having your own mum their.How come your boyfriend thinks its okay for his mum to be there but not your own? You don't want both of them there-its just too much.Does your partner have sisters?If so, his mum will ust have to wait her turn when they have kids, and if she doesn't have a daughter,well, tough! Stand your ground,you need this to be a good experience, not anymore tense and stressful than it already is,so do it how YOU want.

Answer 7

Lots of women like their mum to be there at the birth, but I think in the end it has to be your choice as it is you who can best decide who can get you through labour and support you best. I can see why your partner wants it to be just you and him without your Mum because having a baby is intimate between you and him as it's your baby. When you go to antenatal/parenting classes before you go, telephone the person running the class and explain the problem and see if they can say during the class to all the couples about how important it is that you feel supported by whoever you need and how you are the one in pain and needing to feel in control.

Alternative is to tell him that when he gives birth he can choose who he likes! You certainly don't need his mother there unless you were really close.

Answer 8

I had my mum with me and she was brill! She kept fairly quiet and was just there. It might seem hard for your boyfriend but you are the one giving birth and you need to feel comfortable about who is in the room. I doubt he'd miss the birth out of spite. If you don't want his mother there then that's final. If you want your mum around then he needs to respect that. Give him a little time to cool down then try and talk about it again. You'll be dealing with a lot of emotions as well as the physical aspect of birth so try and explain this to him. It's perfectly natural to want your mum there. She'll understand what you're going through and she knows you so well. Having your mum around will also give your boyfrined a break at times without leaving you alone. He may want to get some air now and again or grab something to eat. It'd work well for both of you. I'm so glad my mum was there.

Answer 9

I had my mum and my boyfriend at the birth of my first baby. It is up to you and not him who is there. If he is being that selfish not taking into account you dont want his mum to see your bits and bobs that is something only you and your mother and boyfriend should be able to see. Play him at his own game, tell him if he wants his mother there then you and your mum will go to a different hospital. On a higher note you probably won't care who is even in the room when you are in labour and after baby is born. You could always let your mum and his mum and him come. Whatever you decide do it for you not as he whats you to. You are what matters here and your baby you need to be happy and not get upset about anything. Good luck Babe.

Answer 10

Good grief . . .you could also sell tickets at the door?? Sorry. This is your baby's birth - not the Royal Ballet. Absolutely without question you should only have people present who will support you and put you at your ease.
Giving birth to a baby will not be easy and your needs should be paramount - explain to your partner that your baby's birth is a private, personal and extremely nerve wracking time , and not the time for him to be considering his Mother's wishes over your needs.

Take time to explain to your partner that it is very important that you feel completely supported and relaxed at the birth - his Mom shouldn't mind waiting in a family area where she can be on hand for him and close by when the baby arrives.

You may be saved and find that the hospital will allow only one birth partner - mine does.

Good luck with whatever you decide.