The mother disapprove of me being a part of the child's life even though we are married. Is there anything i can do or is it best if the two worlds don't meet.
2006-12-29 03:01:43 · 14 answers · asked by mis ting 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
A very impportant thing, no matter what you end up doing (court, etc.) is for you to understand where she is coming from. She is probably just very nervous about someone else trying to step in and try being her sons mother. This is a very rational fear since it happens very often. She is probably afraid that since you would be able to provide a two parent home including his real father, then you might actually try and do that. It's also very rational for her to not want that to happen. It is best for you to try and be involved in a supportive way. Do not try and step in and pretend to be his new step mom, or try and add your opinions on how this whole thing should go. Let all the decisions about this be made by her and your husband, and just be supportive of their choices. If you have to chance to speak with her, make it clear to her that you are not going to try and get in the way of anything, and that everyone knows she is the childs mother and that is the way that it will stay. Make her see that you will be sure not to say anything negative to her son and that you will be nothing more than his fathers wife. Once she sees that you mean this, she will lighten up about the whole thing and things will be a lot better for everyone.
Overall there is nothing that she can do to keep you from seeing the child if your husband is allowed visitation, after all you are married and living together. Even though there is nothing that she can do, it would only be fair to her if you still made sure to be understanding of her feelings and fears.
Good Luck.
2006-12-29 03:12:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is definitely in everyone's best interest to have the 2 worlds meet! Why does the mother disapprove and why is she just coming forward now and telling your husband that he has a son?? How old is the boy? Your husband has a right to see his son and be a part of his life and that does include you as well since you are a part of that. Maybe talk to the mother and see if there is any way to gradually mesh the 2 worlds that you have and remind her that it is in the best interest of the child to do so.
2006-12-29 11:05:55 · answer #2 · answered by Mystic 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How old is the child? Did your husban know? What was the situation between your hubby and the childs mother?
This all play a big role in things. My hubby has a son who is 7 and 1/2, I have known the whole time we've been married that he had one but never knew how to get in contact with him. About 5 months ago, thru myspace, my hubby and his ex found each other. She is willing to let him see his son and be part of his life but since the child is so old and its going to take some adjusting at 1st I'm not going to go with hubby to see his son. Which is fine with me b/c I am a mother of two and I don't know how comfortable I would be with letting my child (who I had rasied by myself) meet all these new people and I would worry about the child becoming confused and overwhelemed.
But I know once everything gets setteled and things. I have taken steps to talk to the childs mother and try to get to know her better and show her that I am going to look out for the best interste of her child.
2006-12-29 11:57:59 · answer #3 · answered by Dizzy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My best friend went through this samething however they had been married 11 yrs. It's going to depend on the age of the child. Keep communication with your spouse open. The two of u have to figure out how u want to handle his biological son. It's much easier when the child is younger. Rather than trying to be a step parent, start with just being friendly to the son.
If the two of u feel to keep peace to respect the previous girlfriends demand then fine. Time can be your best asset. She is really trying to control the situation. She wants ur hubby to be a part of their son's life & yet... she wants to demand how things should be with them. She is angry, fearful of u, and upset she couldn't hold it together. Unfortuanately she using the son as a pawn. Which is normal in the beginning.
It would be good if u and hubby can get support from a family counselor. Your joining the millions of blended families of the world. Counseling can help prepared for the commitment, keep your family life together and whole while enduring the changes that need to happen.
U just gotta let the girlfriend know that in no way would you try to replace her. That u want her son to feel comfortable in both homes. That in time u hope she will be more comfortable and give u the support to have minimal disruption between your husband and her home. She will do things to piss u off, but if you can step back and relieve the stress before reacting it will save you so much heartache.
It was very hard, but so worth it. Now the families are civilized. The Mom had filled her son with alot of hate/lies and ugliness. It took alot of work especially on my friends part to keep communication going, to keep visits going. It's one of those lots of heartache that turns in time to peaceful coexistance. Now the son is a man, he is better able to realize alot of his hate, distrust was totally without merit. He became so close to my friend that he calls her Mom. That Mother's Day where he acknowledged her long, fought struggle to keep the peace. His Mom realized that she was really trying to support her ideas and manners. She realized she had been pretty mean.
2006-12-29 11:40:33 · answer #4 · answered by Staci 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DNA TEST MANDATORY before it goes to far. Some ladies are very jealous when the man that they wanted marry another woman. Your husband had the opportunity to marry her if that was what he wanted. There was something about her that did not have a plus to it.
I have seen of television shows where the person has paid child support for years, and now with DNA testing it's not their child.
If it turns out to be his child, love the child with all of your heart. Make sure that he does pay child support, and request regular visitations. Set the guidelines with the court so there are no misunderstanding about the child.
I dated a guy who had two children, and everything was fine until I came into the picture. She would call him at the last minute to change the pick up time because she knew that we had tickets to some event. He would buy the kids clothes every month plus pay child support. When we would go to pick them up they had on rags.
I put a stop to that, I told him to do tell her that we are going any place special. You go and pick them up, and I will dress them when you come back to your place. We keep the new clothes at his house, and when they were ready to go home, we put the ragged clothes back on them. The kids were four and six years old.
Their mother finally got the message that he was not going to play her games. She started dressing the kids as thru they were going out to a nice place.
2006-12-29 11:20:44 · answer #5 · answered by D S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First thing I'd do is get a DNA test. You never know if someone is just trying to make your lives a living hell because you're newly married. If it turns out that the child is his than since the 2 of you are married, hire a lawyer and work out custody and visitations. Just hold his hand and support him through it all. Let the lawyer know that there is no reason why your husband can't have visitation with the both of you. You don't want to play mother, just be supportive to hubby. Good luck, and sorry if the child really is his, you'll get through.
2006-12-29 11:11:12 · answer #6 · answered by odessa2469 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was before you and he didn't know either. Shouldn't be a problem with you two.
Accept the child and be fair and do the right thing. As far as the childs real mother is, she can't do anything about you being a part of the childs life if your husband is a part of the child life.
She sounds like a real looser anyways. Especially if she is just now letting the father know. She must of had a big decision on determining who the father was. Go with the flow and be supportive of your husband.
2006-12-29 11:31:15 · answer #7 · answered by Wondrin Dude 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your husband knew before you got married and waited to tell you now. In any event, who has custody? How old is the son? If the custody is joint, the mother really can't control what goes on when he has the son. Understand that the mother is not going to approve of any woman other than her to be part of her son's life. Your husband should lay down the law. The two worlds do not have to meet although it could happen by chance.
2006-12-29 11:12:25 · answer #8 · answered by Monsieur Rick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a hard one but since you two are married, then he will be apart of your life too regardless of how the mother feels. She can't hold his son from your husband if she does then take her to court if you guys really want to have the child for visits. It is a hard adjustment and it sounds like the mom will be a pain. Maybe she still wants your husband. Did you have a DNA test done to make absolutely sure he is?
2006-12-29 11:05:51 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Moms are great but you didn't marry her.
If you went into this marriage with all you heart it was for better or worse. Now you husband having an unknown child and just learning about it can be good or it can also turn ugly. Has your husband been tested to confirm that this child is his?
First I would embrace the innocent child but as for the mother I would be very weary. You never know what motives linger there.
I would tell my mom that I love her and I want to hear her input but like all hardheaded children you must learn from your own mistakes. Ask her to be there for you and moms usually are.
Good Luck
2006-12-29 11:16:37 · answer #10 · answered by kellyfl59 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋