would you play second fiddle?

Question

i have been i my marrige now nearly ten years and feel im playing second fiddle to my wifes 3 children and now grandaughter,, like baby sitting for instance if we have made plans to have a night out or a cosy night in if her daughter rings up to ask for a last min baby sitter . she just forgets about me and the next thing is the baby is here with night bag and all. it has been the same throught our marrige with her children and i cant seem to get it through to her that im feeling well left out herein other words she put her kids needs before ours .. what should i do ???

Answer 1

When she is babysitting get dressed up and go out. Do the works, buy new younger looking clothes, loads of aftershave and an overnight bag.

Unless she freaks completely you might as well leave her because you are no longer important in her life.

Answer 2

This is a hard one! I am in a second marriage also. I know there are times when I am guilty of putting my adult daughter ahead of my husband. I try to be careful not to do this - but the bond between a mother and a child is hard to understand. My husband and other men I have talked to have admitted they do not feel the same strong connection to their children. Please talk to your wife and let her know how this makes you feel. Maybe you could compromise. It would be perfectly fair to expect that - barring an emergency- her daughter would give you at least two days notice before asking you to babysit. If you have already made plans for an evening out - your plans should come first. If your wife is unwilling to compromise, you might try going out on your own the next time this happens. Take in a movie, go out to eat, spend some time by yourself and leave her at home with the grandchild. Explain to her nicely that you had already made plans for an evening out that didn't include babysitting and that you would have appreciated being asked ahead of time. That might make her stop and think - plus you don't get stuck with the babysitting duties. Good luck!

Answer 3

unfortunately for you ,,you will never take priority over her children no matter how old they are and she may be blind to what you know is happening but likely thinks it will change nothing between you and her..you have to sit her down and clearly state where you think this relationship is heading without either of you being able to appreciate the other,,she wants to do the best for her kids and even though your frustration is valid it will only seem you are jealous of her doing this for the kids if you do not say what you want to say simply and clearly.relationships need personal time and if you can get her to see you have no problems with her sitting for them you just want date night to actually be date night and saying 'no' every once in a while wont hurt her or her kids,,they did have the children and if they cant get a sitter they cant go out can they,,,it wouldnt hurt to talk to the babys mother and father either,,tell them you are taking their mother out on friday? so you cant sit but next time,,,,no problem. if you feel this is eroding away at your relationship you have to be honest and say so,she may not feel it is that bad.

Answer 4

Sir that's a tough one. On one hand those are her children and grandchildren, but on the other hand you are her husband and as her kids are grown, you should be her first concern. Her commitment to you is not being upheld and if you've talked to her before about it and nothing has changed, try going to a marriage counselor. You have every right to expect time alone with your wife, else why did you marry her? If things don't change you may have to consider what's more important to you. You can't just forego your needs. I'm sorry for your troubles and wish you good luck.

Answer 5

I can answer this from my own experience. I was over protective of my family but only realised it after my partner left - I hadn't realised who was most important in my life and now regret it terribly. Try explaining - but gently, not angrily - to your partner how left out you feel and that you need things to change, that you're not willing to play second fiddle forever. But before you do this you need to know what action you'll take if she isn't willing to change. Will you leave her? Ask her to leave? You have to be sure that you can cope with a break up if she chooses the younger generation over you. Sometimes it's best to settle for what you have if, in reality, you love each other but she's programmed to be a "mother hen"..

Answer 6

Not for long. Every time you are last on her priority list...you are slowly becoming resentful. It's human nature.

Please ask her to consider marriage counseling before this gets any worse. The kids need a stable & loving home (with you in the picture) MORE than they need to visit Mom/Grandma in the single's unit of a new apartment!

Answer 7

I'm sorry you're so unhappy.

But for a lot of women (and this includes me) our children are more important to us than anyone else, including our husbands.

That's just the way it is, I'm afraid.

And for lots of women (me included again!) looking after a grandchild for the night is quite simply much more fun than a night in or out with anyone.

It doesn't cause so many problems in other families where the husband is also the father of the children. They're not your kids, so you don't care that much about them (no reason why you should). But it does make things more difficult.

Your wife should definitely try to take more account of your feelings. I don't think she is treating you very well.

But I really don't think you're ever going to come first in her thoughts.

Answer 8

I can answer from the other side. I have tended to do this same thing to my husband with my daughter, and now my grandchildren. When he makes a date with me now, he makes a point to ask me to agree to no babysitting for that night. We have discussed this at length and we now have an agreement that I will always talk to him before making final plans to baby sit. I needed to realize that he is affected by this. My motherly instincts kept me from seeing that for a long time.
Please keep trying to talk to her about it and don't give up on her. Let her know that you need her too.

Answer 9

The daughter maybe taking liberties, if she rings up at the last minute and you are ready to go out then that is not fair because you need a life too. Your wife should ring her daughter during the daytime and tell her not to expect babysitting because you are going out. My mum babysits on her terms and I respect that.

Answer 10

Poor guy! Why don't you plan a weekend that can't be cancelled, like a trip to Vegas or Mexico or something. Then you may be able to rediscover yourselves. She apparently loves being grandma, it really clouds things, but maybe she just can't help herself in that area. Try a weekend trip once every three months or so. I wish you the best of luck!