How can I ease the pain that my wife and children are going through?

Question

I recently came out of the closet and accepted myself as a gay man after 20 years and I have found a wonderful man that I have fallen in love with. Im hurting too. Please help.

Answer 1

Congratulations for coming out, in this society and age its a difficult thing to finally accept. For your family the simply truth is it will take time, but if your family loves you and are understanding they will work things out for themselves. Everyone is different so one member of your family may be OK with things say in like a week while others may need more time. Sadly as much of a pain as that is that's all you can do. Be proud of who you are. Your family will accept things eventually, as long as your happy, they should be happy too. Good Luck.

Answer 2

Well, you have lied to them for 20 years, I think it is worth at least a pout. I will never understand how anyone can live a lie for 20 years and especially a lie to yourself. There is no turning back now. You are turning every ones life upside down. Get some family counseling. Your family has to completely understand that you do love them and care about their feelings.You just can't deny yourself a life time of other feelings that you have and these feelings become more and more important as you see the years of your life drifting by more quickly as you age. Find a really good counselor that has experience with your needs. Go to counseling for as long as it takes. We have some friends that this happened to and for the first couple of years, it was really rough but the wife remarried, and had another child and they were all good friends and the ex gay father kept a great relationship with his sons and even had a great relationship with the wife's new husband and their child. Good luck and it can work out if you do it right.

Answer 3

The end of any relationship hurts. Especially when it has been for an extended time, 20 yrs. It is difficult to accept that you were married to someone you thought you knew, only to discover your were wrong. There is really no way to comfort her, unless you plan to keep your role as her husband, which is ultimately the loss she is mourning. This also hurts a woman's confidence, she may wonder why you have decided to leave women altogether and love a man instead of her.

Sometime marriage is not about feeling in love with someone, for that is a feeling which is subject to change. Honoring your commitment to your family is most likely the only way to make them feel better. Even if you are willing to do this, there would have to be emotional healing, which may require some counseling. If you are unwilling to do this then your attemps to make nice will only further the hurt.

Answer 4

What you think is love with this man is a chemical reaction in your brain that is stimulating feelings you have never felt before .
I found some volunteers for an experiment and without fail blind folded and told to kiss another person neither sex could chose which was male or female except who was the aggressor and who was submissive .The reactions in the brain where measured and all people experienced a greater sense of arousal blind folded then just choosing a partner by sight and kissing .I am talking about a passionate kiss by the way . Men kissed men and woman ,woman and women and man and no difference was note blind folded but with the blind folds off both men and women experienced a heightened arousal with same sex kissing .
I also gathered young couples who had dated only a couple of times and measured their reactions and couples that had been together for years and found the longer people are together the lower the arousal level is .
You are simply excited by this new lifestyle choice just like you would be with a new set of curtains . Crawl back on your hands and knees and beg your wife and family to take you back Go to rehab and discover your addiction to adrenaline and risky sexual behavior .

Answer 5

well first, get a divorce..and the pain of the wife or soon to be EX wife will never go away..its hard for her to understand that she lost to another man, not a woman. You have a tough row to hoe ahead. The kids on the other hand, no matter what you are their dad, and they should still love you no matter what. Also you shouldn't have apologize for what you are. That would be like a horse apologizing for being a horse, doesn't make sense does it..you're gay, so what. Just because you are gay, doesn't make you any less of a man..take care of the kids, and everything else will work its self out fine.

Answer 6

WOW. I bet that was a lot to swallow for all of you. You should know, that although I do not agree with the gays, I also do not judge - to each his own. That being said, there is nothing you can "DO" to make the situation any easier. I know it's a cliche', but time heals. Your wife is going to need time to accept this, and your children are going to need a while to understand what is going on. I don't know how old they are, but it will be tough for any age. The best thing to do would be to offer your support, no matter what. They may be bitter for a while, but you also have to understand how betrayed they must feel, whether you meant to or not. I must beg you though, as someone who is watching horrible custody battles first hand - do NOT choose your boyfriend over your children. If he expects that of you, then he is not the man you think he is. And PLEASE, always remember it was your wife who gave you your beautiful children, and she deserves respect. At the same time, you deserve the same respect. Continue to be a part of your children's lives, and offer your support to your wife. Who knows, everything may turn out all right with everyone!! (Visions of "The Birdcage" *one of my favorite movies of all time* comes to mind)

Just be understanding when your children might want just "mommy and daddy" to come to parent-teacher day.

I'm not sure if this helps, but my prayers will be with you and your family, and your boyfriend in this very difficult time.

Just remember whether you like it or not, you are ALL a family now, and everything needs to be worked out with ya'll. If necessary, seek counseling - but don't give up on family.

Answer 7

Really, now it took you 20 years to figure this out? Sorry, but you should of had the kahona's to tell the truth to your loving "wife" much sooner. I get that your hurting and I'm sorry for that, but you mislead your wife and kids for a very long time. Remember, that saying "don't make a mountain out of a molehill"? well......this was no molehill.....you definitely had a mountain the whole time!! Your wife can not just turn her love off for you overnight nor your kids accept your new b/f as "daddy #2" b/c you want it that way now. Everybody in this family needs counseling. Especially those kids. Your wife is going to have to let go of the man she thought she married.......that's a grieving process, like mourning the death of a loved one. You can not hurry this process along, as it's taken you 20 years to get to this point. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Answer 8

You can't.

Your "coming out" was a definite shatter to your family and there is no way you can ease the pain on that, except for time. Think about it from her perspective...it's one thing if you were cheating on her with another woman, but you fell in love with another man! No doubt you've crushed her and your kids as you came out about your life.

You're hurting because of the guilt. But you were the one that did what you did and now you have to accept the repercussions.

Answer 9

sorry to hear about the pain you have given to your family. this will be a memory that they shall never forget, even when you are gone. they must love you or they wouldn't be hurting. are you spending less time with them? if so then you need to correct this. i'm sure your new lover will understand when you tell him he will have to take a back seat until you get your children settled. if he doesn't understand, then he wants you for himself and to hell with your kids. and i know you will put your kids first cause they didn't ask to be here and that its not there fault you decided to change yourself. then your wife, goodness do you know she must feel really rejected. make her understand that she will be the last woman that you ever have and she should move on to a man who could love her like you weren't able too. you must have been faking for along time. fix your family first, then be happy with your lover. in that order, or your not a decent man. they were there first and you were given them for a little while, and then they are grown.

Answer 10

It will take some time. After about a year, they will accept things as they are and become happy for you. I am sure they are not hurting as much as you think they do. One of my friends just left her husband for another woman, and the kids and her ex are doing alright now. First few months are the hardest ones, but then everything will work out.