When my step-daughter goes to her dads for visitation, anything that he gets her, presents, toys, even clothing he will not let her bring them home. The other day when he brought her home he had her strip down and give him back the cloths he bought her so he could take them home with him. I find this behaviour bizzare. What to do? Is it normal?
2006-12-28 23:29:15 · 22 answers · asked by rgreenman2003 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow.
One of you guys needs to explain to the 5 year old father that this game he is playing is destructive. He is playing the I love you and give you things on a conditional basis ( only when she is with him) game. He needs to be told that she will soon come to understand that he is trying to show you up by giving her nice things to use only when she is there. That will drive her away because it indicates that she is only of value to him when she is at his house. If he had any real concern for her he would wish her to have the benefits of his giving full time. This guy sounds like a real @sshole. Its obvious that he is playing games here which relate directly to spite for the EX or child support payments. What a shallow lowlife. This behavior can do nothing but make him look worse than he already is. He needs to grow the hell up and start thinking about his child instead of his little vendetta.
I have not even met the guy and can see from just this that he is spiteful, controlling and a game player.He should be told that his thinking is convoluted and will only result in his daughter figuring out that he is trying to buy her love. She will give it willingly if he acts like a parent instead of a school boy who is in a fight over a school girl break up.
I don't know the circumstance but I'm beginning to see why they split.
Please send him an email and direct him to this answer.
2006-12-29 00:07:39 · answer #1 · answered by Flagger 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am not a professional but I have worked in mental health and family centers for years, and no....this is not a normal behavior but I have seen it before. in most cases this is a "greed" thing. It is usually aimed at the ex....as a way to say "you are not going to benefit from anything I buy" This way the other parent has to buy separate cloths and toys and so on. It is a shame when people resort to this type of behavior because when they are thinking they are punishing the ex they are really punishing the child. This is hard to explain to a 5 year old so that they can understand. I would be careful how I approach it because you don't want to make the child feel that somehow they are responsible for strange or bad behavior.
2006-12-29 08:40:45 · answer #2 · answered by Robin L 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
that actually is not as bizarre as it may seem. I am assuming he sees her on a pretty regular basis, it's not uncommon that he would want the stuff he buys for her to have at this house, a lot of people get like that when there are visitation issues, they do this because they are so insecure in it. They also can't see that this stuff is supposed to be for the child and it's not like anyone else will be wearing/using it except the child. Let him do this. There is really no reason to cause a big fuss over it, it sounds to me like he is still taking the whole break up pretty hard, in time he will change.Don't make a big deal of it in front of her or you are going to upset her more than the situation will. just tell her that the things he buy's her are going to stay at his house so they are there next time she goes there. The worst thing people can do is make a big fuss in front of the children. Just act like it's no big deal.. and hopefully in time he will stop the nonsense.
2006-12-29 08:16:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Pretty bizarre yes. It could be explained as he wants to buy her stuff and keep it at his house so that she will go and see him more often to get to wear the clothes or play with the toys that he has bought for her. But getting her to take her clothes off and taking them home is pretty extreme. I'd say the behaviour isn't normal, but it's understandable if he's doing it to see his daughter more often. Maybe he needs some counselling?
2006-12-29 07:37:01 · answer #4 · answered by splat 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
By the sounds of it its a control thing. His try show that he has control over the situation the only thing you can do is start with small things and take the control away. Something like him bringing the child back and making them change, you keep him on the door step and say you'll have the clothes washed and ironed for when he next comes but you don't let him in the house and you don't give in, keeping him out shows its your house your rules first step of control. Once he leaves you have the clothes ready and you keep doing it untill you have full control. Sounds like hes been spoilt as a child, is he an only child or the youngest with a big age diffrence?
2006-12-29 07:34:39 · answer #5 · answered by rob 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
No its not normal he obviously he lacks trust in you, to return the clothes and toys, which he would normally send with his daughter, which is really quite sad, and totally unfair to your step daughter and you.
Have you spoken to him about this ridiculous situation, (I am sure you have), remind him that it is degrading to strip her down before coming home, and traumatic.
I wonder if it is worth talking to the family court or other family service, and see what they say about this. Surely its not legal or ethical to treat a young child in such a manner?
Hope you can sort some thing out, and hope that you and your family have a very Happy New Year.
2006-12-29 07:45:33 · answer #6 · answered by spiderlady632003 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My daughter is the same way towards her step son. My belief is that their is alot of anger/ hostility (maybe a little jealousy) between the parents that the child is the one who actually suffers in the end. My suggestion is to just bear with it. It will all come out as your step-daughter grows up and sees who is being a true parent and who is being childish. Continue to show your step-daughter your love and support. Yes, unfortunately, this is normal in alot of cases.
2006-12-29 07:43:54 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My stepdaughters mother does the same thing. What I told my stepdaughter was that her mother is just worried about things getting lost. That was 5 years ago.... now that my stepdaughter is 10 she is realizing that her Mom has some strange behaviors. I figured that at age 5 she was too young for any more drama than she had already been through from the divorce.
2006-12-29 07:38:42 · answer #8 · answered by kitty.hicks 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is pretty bizarre behavior. Maybe he hasn't gotten over the fact that you are the step daddy now. He is insecure. Maybe he buys stuff for her and doesn't feel that it is welcome in your home or that you won't let her play with it or wear it if he lets her bring the stuff home. Very weird. Without alot of explanation here, I can't really make any determination other than talk to your wife about this AND your step daughter. She is old enough to tell you certain things that are going on over there without putting her on the spot to talk about things she doesn't feel comfortable about. Don't drill her for info, be creative in ways of asking her things.
2006-12-29 07:33:13 · answer #9 · answered by bradnmich2003 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If you feel the need to somthing just tell her you don't know why, but tell him like I told my EX
You will make your bed and you will have to lay in it. meaning that in years to come if he doesn't change his behavior the child will not go as often to see him. She will start to see him as wrong to feel this way about belongings or anything else that happens. My daughter stopped going to her dads house at about 13 because of this sort of thing she is now 19 and thanks me for letting her form her own opinion of her father. by not bad mouthing the way he did things. Kids are smart she will figure this out as she gets older.
2006-12-29 08:29:20 · answer #10 · answered by Mary B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋