please help me, i feel like i cant cope anymore..?

Question

ive just turned 21 i married when i was 19.my husband is very possesive and controlling.we have a 4 month old baby, hes never hit me but im suffering emotional abuse. i cant do anything or go anywhere by myself, all my friends have gone he wouldnt let me see them. he says he wants there to be just me and him in the world and no1 else.he does nothing with his life except work so i never get a break.im not attracted to him anymore, it was my 21st recently and he made me cry all night.he had a bad childhood, he didnt do anything for his birthdays he doesnt want me to enjoy mine.i feel i dont deserve to have a life my confidence is gone.he read my diary a few weekks ago and keeps threatning to show his family. his family are drug addicts.he says im a bad mum for wanting to have a life of my own.this is all too much for me.i regret getting married at so young,all i want is to be free and live my life like any other young girl.i cant leave my family is religious and i got married in a church

Answer 1

Did you know that ALL abusive men only get WORSE as time goes by (unless they get serious professional help, which most don't.) AND did you know that the #1 sign of a serious abuser is one who alienates their spouse from the rest of the world. (friends and family.) This is classic behavior. You MUST get out NOW!!!!!!!! He will ONLY get worse as time goes by. Remember that if he promises you he's sorry and promises he will never do it again...TRUST ME he WILL!! An abusers promises don't hold! You can go online and read many web sites that will tell you how to get out of an abusive relationship. It is also BEST to leave while your child is still so young (and while you are still young) as your child will not be emotionally affect by the divorce at such a young age and they will be free from the horrible memories of an abusive homelife. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more it is going to negatively affect your child and SCAR THEM FOR LIFE. Do you want your child to be scared for life and turn out to be as messed up as your husband? That's what will happen if you stay in this marriage. You will also need to learn to NOT attract abusive men (because some women seem to be magnets for this type.) And you need to learn to find a man that will treat you and your child properly. You and your child deserve better. Trust me, the good & kind men are out there. There are a BILLIONS men in this world - Why settle for one that is defective.
Your husband also needs to seek help for HIS anger. It's obviously rooted in his horrible childhood, and he also deserves to get better. But, he needs to learn to get professional help. Otherwise he will lead a life of torment. Don't let you life and the life of your child be spent in torment too! Your child deserves better than this!!! You have no idea how messed up your child will be if you stay in this marriage. Do what's best for your child!!! Get out!!

P.S. You are a GOOD mom for wanting to protect your child by getting them (and you) out of this dysfunctional & abusive home. Your husband is just trying to manipulate you emotionally to get you to stay so he can have a punching bag. (these types are good at that.) You need to tell him you would be a BAD mom if you and your child stayed in this hell with him!

Answer 2

I'm really sorry to hear this story, i can only imagine how tough this really is for you.

The main problem here is to stand up for yourself:

1) You are not a bad mother for wanting a life, you are more likely to be a bad mother is you are miserable and have no life.
2) Wanting to spend time away from your husband does not mean you don't love him.
3) Being religious or being married in a church doesn't mean you need to stay in an abusive relationship - seems as you have no choice. He has broke his vows to you by treating you like this.
4) His opinions of you are twisted and he is using them to manipulate you. Don't let him drag your self-esteem down he has a problem.
5) Go see your family and get away from him, talk to an outsider say a councillor and get an opinon that is not biased.
6) They way he is treating you is not right.
7) He may love you, but loving you the way he does is not right.

Take all the strength you have and get away. He will then have the choice to change, and you'll have to change too (i.e be more assertive, not be scared) and try again. Or you will need to move on.

You can do this, life should be great. Take your life into your own hands and change it. It might be tough, but in the end you'll be rewarded.

Start daydreaming about a happy life, whether its with him or not. Focus on yourself and your child. You may find yourself getting excited.

If you don't feel you can make any drastic changes just yet, buy yourself a ton of books on abusive relationships, self esteem and other help books and read them in secret. They may help you cope or/and give you the strength you need.

Good luck, and when things are rough you'll always find a person on answers to listen.

Answer 3

His emotions are his problem and the fact that you got married in a church is irrelevant.. Do you still go to church? If not then you are hardly religious. Why do you say he would not let you see your friends ? Are you not capable of walking out of a door and getting on a bus? if he physically prevents you then it is false imprisonment - if he actually hits you then you leave THE FIRST TIME anyway and head for the nearest police station and never go back. Why worry about him showing your diary to his family - I suggest you start writnig some home truths about him in it for him to read. I also suggest that you phone your family - preferably in front of him - and tell them long and loud exactly what he is doing to you. Bullies are frequently cowards - if you bring his totally unaccaptable behaviour out into the open you might be surprised at the effect. You certainly are not a bad mum for wanting part of your life not to revolve round him - this is what all controllers use as a way of destroying your confidence. Do not allow him to do this to you. If you are truly that religious then think about trying to get an annulment rather than a divorce (yes it is difficult but can stiil be done if you have children) as it seems to me that he he does not want a true marrige of equality. Baasically you have married a nasty piece of work and the sooner you get rid of him the better

Answer 4

Charlie, please don't lose hope. You need to be more assertive, he has no right to tell you what to do. Sure, you have a 4 month old baby, which is an important responsibility, but that doesn't mean you have to become a prisoner in your own home.

I don't what he has read in you diary that he is threatening you with, but I would imagine that you have expressed your feelings of unhappiness in there, so he obviously knows how you feel. But reading your diary is a huge breach of trust.

If he thinks you're a bad mother then it's because of how he's made you feel. Being a parent is a full time job, and like any job you need to take a break sometimes otherwise you are not going to be doing that job as well as you'd like.

You need to have a long talk with him, but you must stay assertive, don't let him control the discussion. Tell him he needs to let you have some time to yourself, to go out and socialise with your friends, if you don't get that time then it's going to affect your health and in turn affect you abilty as a mother.

Please stay positive and good luck.

Answer 5

Hi, I know how you feel, I was married at 16, my family were very religious. I am now 19 with 2 babies. I have only recently divorced 6 months ago. My husband only hit me a couple of times but i suffered alot of threats and emotional abuse, the best thing to do - this is what i did, go to the police and ask them to get in contact with womans aid they will find a place for you within hours! if you don't want to go to the police call womans aid yourself, they will within hours find you a place, if you have no transport to get there tell them and they may well pay your taxi fair for you. your husband won't know where you have gone - nobody will, they can move you as far away as you want. also all the hostel are great, they have nuseries for babies so you can have a break - all free of charge, they have lots of activities going on for woman where you can win things the staff are also lovely i have been in a number of the hostels and i never wanted to leave! you are very safe there as there are cameras all outside and nobody can freely walk into the premises. if you need anymore help add your email address i will email you more information.
if it is so bad you have to get out of the relationship for the sake of you and your BABY what type of life will your baby have with a dad like him? i tell you i am 19 with a 2 year old and a 1 year old, my oldest also has medical problems but i managed to do it . I am now free and I have my life the way i like it - i have noticed my kids are alot happier to. it's really not as hard as it looks!

Answer 6

Honey, God would not want you to stay in a relationship like this. You are not doing anything wrong by getting out now. Think about it this way...do you want your child to grow up feeling the way you do right now? That is not fair, and it probably breaks your heart to think your child is going to grow up feeling isolated, emotionally neglected and unloved. Explain to your family what you life is like. If they cannot support you in this decision, then you need to find a support group that can help you get out on your own. Be sure to get some good legal advice, too, because if you take the baby and leave he could charge you with abandonment and he could sue for custody. So, be sure to get all of your ducks in a row before you leave, but you should start working on it right now so you can get out quickly. You should not have to live like this. It is just unfair.

Answer 7

Yes you can and have to leave him. Look for support groups in your area. Meet with other women during the day while your husband is at work. I don't know, but I would expect that support groups would understand your need to bring your child.

Your religious family is no reason to live a miserable life. Your marriage in a church is no reason to live a misearable life. You have been conned into marrying someone who insists on dragging you down to his own miserable level, don't let him. When you've been conned or defrauded into something, you aren't bound by the marriage contract. It was not fairly made.

You have a duty to your child to get out of the relationship. Your child is unlikely to grow up to be mature and whole if she is growing up in a painful and disfunctional environment.

Your husband needs to grow up and he seems not to be willing to change. His pathetic attempts to control you and have everything revolve around him are signs that he is absolutely stuck. Leave him and find someone who cherishes you for who you are.

Answer 8

Right first I'm am devoted to my god, my god wouldn't let me suffer, he give me the strength to leave. Its not a sin, you can leave.
Church and god is different to all sorts of people, so what your family think might not be true to me or I think to you.
Second your baby is the most important.
You are strong or you wouldn't be still caring for your baby. You are a great mother for even realising this is wrong and you have taken first step's to do something about it. Good for you!
Life aint great and it will kick you when you are down. But your not down, it could be worse, your clever and strong and young enough to make it on your own.
You have a computer, use it. Look up women's refuge and make that call.
You will need two things, you and your baby. You have them already you have been through the worst with him, so what comes next will he alot easier to deal with than him.
You can do this.
I will pray for strength for you, and god will help you get a better life for your baby.
Good luck

Answer 9

You know everyone can tell you to leave and take you and your child out of this environment. But, until you decide to leave, everyone can talk or type until they are blue in the face. This has to be your choice and your decision. Women who are in this type of relationship have low self esteem and feel like they can't leave. Your husband has you where he wants you. You have choices no matter what. There are resources for you if you really want out. You just have to be brave and strong enough to seek them out. If you decide to stay then you need some help also. Its a co-dependency that you have. As far as your family is concerned they will get over it. Do they realize what you are going through? You chose this guy to be your husband and the father of your baby. We all have choices and we all make bad ones from time to time. But there is alternatives and there is a way out. You just have to want it bad enough. Good Luck and be strong. Sorry if this sounds to harsh, but its up to you now.

Answer 10

There are steps towards the solution to this:

You've already reached step 1. You've realised you're in danger and need to get away

Now you need to reach Step 2. Getting help from you're family, if they don't know already, they need to know now!

Step 3. You need to talk to your man, explain that the love has died and you need to move on now, he may get physical but this is where you need to take risks to get your life back.

Step 4. Just recovering from your broken life.

Gosh you're only 21, you shouldn't have to be putting up with that kind of behaviour, most 21's are out enjoying themselves and thats what you should be allowed to do.

This whole solution to the mess will take as long as it will, but whatever you do, don't let him get to you and start explaining how he loves you. you've made it clear you don't love him anymore and you need to stick to it.

Good luck to you, really.

And think of your new born, no child deserves to go through a family relationship like that.

And also, it doesn't matter where you got married, if the marriage isn't working out, it needs to be ended, simple as that