My husband and I met in high school, dated for 12 years, and lived together for 10 years. We got married in June 2006. We had our ups and downs, but we always stayed together, and the years leading up to our wedding were the best ever, couldn't ask for anything better.
On Halloween, he told me that he kissed a 19 year old girl in the bar. (He's never cheated before.) He said that he has lied to me about things in the past. He said that he's very depressed.
He moved out on Thanksgiving, and he has continued to date this other girl. He has also COMPLETELY changed his character, and everyone notices it. He is acting and doing things that are completely unlike him. He has let the other girl move in, and he says that he is going to keep seeing her. He is also seeking treatment for depression.
He came over today and slept with me. It's like he wants her, but he wants me. I don't know what's true and what isn't anymore. I don't want to throw 12 years away, but I feel like I have to.
2006-12-28 16:22:06 · 32 answers · asked by bknhearted 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He doesn't know what he wants and it seems he's having a midlife crisis. you don't have to throw the marriage away. I didn't. My husband came back and we are working things out.
I found a lot of information on the net including this site:
www.midlifeclub.com
2006-12-28 16:26:02 · answer #1 · answered by pinniethewooh 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you know what the cause of his sudden depression is? Perhaps the other respondent may be right that it could possibly be mid life crisis. He is acting out of character and it's puzzling. I understand that you don't want to throw away 12 years and that you still love him; however, it is impossible to salvage a marriage on your own. It doesn't seem like he wants to mend the relationship as it is evident by his irrational move to have this 19 year old move in with him.
Depression often times lead people to become disinterested in people and activities that use to interest them. The mystery here is to get to the root of the problem but you won't find your answer here. Perhaps he is confused and don't know what he wants, but you can't deny yourself the dignity and self respect to hang on to someone who is going to string you along. You will have to move on if he chooses to live it his way irregardless of how long you two have been together.
2006-12-28 16:34:22 · answer #2 · answered by Ana 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
goodness! Honestly you need to make sure you keep YOURSELF in check! Don't sleep with him if you know he's with someone else!!! This is how std's are spread.
This is a mind game he's playing. If I do my math correctly, he's around 36-40 years old. First off, being with a 19 year old isn't right. She's half his age and they "shouldn't" have much in common (maybe sex though) as I'm sure that's what the relationship is about with her.
If he's been honest with you, you need to take that at face value. At least he's being honest! It just sounds like he's very confused and if he is depressed, then getting help is what he needs. If he's allowing her to move in with him, then do you really want to be with someone that wants to be with other people?
I know it's going to be hard, but make sure you keep yourself healthy! You don't need to slip into depression either! It can become a very dark place and you'll notice you're doing things you might never of have (like he's doing!)
Stay strong and talk with trusted family and/or friends! They can help, but not if you don't reach out for it or accept it (as I'm sure they will since it will be known what he's doing)
2006-12-28 16:33:28 · answer #3 · answered by kellicam 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you made a mistake sleeping with him when he's in this state of mind. He's depressed, and going through a mid-life crisis. He's been lying to you and your problems and much more involved than this one 19 year old girl. He needs counseling, and maybe even medication. And the two of you need marriage counseling so you can decide how to handle this - whether you'll reconcile or divorce and how. You've been together 22 years. That has to mean something to him, so take the steps to figure this out.
2006-12-28 16:34:12 · answer #4 · answered by coffeytalk.com 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My dear God. You poor thing. Honey I am sorry to say this but you should never allow a man no matter HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM have you on the side. If he has changed he has changed. That doesn't mean that you have to stoop to his level. Its like the saying you can't have your cake and eat it too. Make him choose he is either going to be with you FAITHFULLY or he is going to get out of your life. Your boldness will surprise him. Even if he doesn't return to his normal self. You will know you are better off without him.
A man that is worthy of your love will never hurt you like this. He obviously is having some serious insecurity issues but dont let him bring you down. If he doesnt realize that you are special and one of a kind then that is his problem NOT YOURS. Dont let him ruin your life or any chance you can still have at happiness!
Once again I am sorry....
2006-12-28 16:32:18 · answer #5 · answered by Meagan T. 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a smart husband-you are the one that is being made a fool of-he move out and then move another woman in don't that tell you something-but he can sleep with her and then he can go over and sleep with you and then he go back to the woman that he love and that is not you-you are a fool for one man-let him go and stop sleeping with him-why would you want to sleep with a man that left you for another woman-he know that when he go to your place that you will give him what he want and that is to make sure that no other man is playing in his garden-don't be a fool for this man all of your life-there is a man out there for you and he is not the one anymore-let the other woman have him and tell him that the next time he come over you will tell his woman about the visit-if he like it GOOD-if he don't OH WELL-he ask for this now let him deal with it-yes he want her and you to who would not want their cake and eat it to-he may have left you but he is not a fool-he know that you will be there for him anytime he want you and you are-they say that love is blind -buy some eye glasses so that you can see that is not love-it is lust and a way to keep you dumb and happy-i don't want you but i don't want another man to have you either
2006-12-28 17:23:53 · answer #6 · answered by brown sugar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM!
Sorry, had to shout that.
He needs to continue to seek treatment. You need to see a therapist/counselor as well. If he's having an early midlife crisis and banging some young dumb thing, you don't need to be sleeping with him. You don't know what he's catching.
When he says he lied about "some" things in the past, it was probably more than he is telling you.
He wants you because you let him. He wants his cake and eat it to. Get help, but keep him at his distance. make him go without you for awhile to see if Ms youngthing is really all that. She probably isn't.
2006-12-28 16:27:22 · answer #7 · answered by paulooly 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know your not crazy enough to sleep with a man that has been cheating and as far as you know she is the only one. Why would you even let him pentrate you after being with another women. He wants his cake and eats to that is so not safe yet right to you are her. I know you love him and its hard to let go, but guess what he has admitted lying to you before and he dong the same thing to her when he is with you, why are you willing to put with that. Why yould you stoop low enough to contniue to have sex with this man that really donr love you but could be invovled with several different women at one time. maybe he is depressed this is still no excuse for him to act the way he is. ANd what is worse is tha t your not helping him if he confused about everything and yet you continue to screw to him. I mean no harm or judgement and this true, I just cant see why your putting yourself through this turmoil that should be over and done with at this point. Let him go and sprout his seeds, Maybe you need to do the same thing, I know its hard to do but guess what what he has done to you he has done to her and if there is ever another women he will do the same to her, do you see my point, this is a pattern that he has to get hlp with. be strong and email a cqueen74203@yahoo.com if you would like to talk more. GOOD LUCK SWEET GIRL
2006-12-28 16:33:02 · answer #8 · answered by prettygirl new orleans 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girls are obviously more effected by long term relationships. He feels he can take advantage of you because of the time you'll had together. He's using the depresion thing as an excuse, true or not. Divorce him. Only reasonable thing to do. Don't regret divorcing him, the only regreting anyone's gonna do is him after he figures out what he's done. Good luck coping, just don't hurt yourself.
2006-12-28 16:29:43 · answer #9 · answered by Kevin H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DO you have kids?
If not, respect yourself
Dont let him sleep wiht you and then run home to her.
Sounds like he is having a mid life crisis.
Too bad for him
dont let his std's become your problem.
DO you really think that that 19 year old girl iis going to STAY with him
she is in it for the money
or the daddy figure or whatever
it wont last
dont be a doormat!
2006-12-28 16:26:36 · answer #10 · answered by kissmymiddlefinger 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋