How do I earn back her trust after proving that I do not trusr her.?

Question

My wife had a friend, who she started to fall for. She told me she would break contact with him. This was in August. Last night I was looking at my Cell phone account and noticed his phone number on there. I ended up looking at past months bills and saw that she had went about a month without talking to him. She has still had steady contact with him.

I decided to call the number to be sure it was him and it was. I was angry as hell. I hung up, screamed, and when she called I questioned her about it. I said we need to talk now. When she got home from work, we talked heatedly. I ended up being the bad guy. Nevermind the fact that she lied about her "relationship" with him. I don not believe she has ever actually cheated on me.

I invaded her privacy. I showed that I did not trust her. Now, how can she trust me. I do not want our relationship to end, but how can two people have a relationship without trust, or I guess how can we learn to trust.

Answer 1

In my opinion, there are several points to be addressed in your question.

First, she admitted she was falling for this person and promised to break contact with him... She didn't... For her to claim that you invaded her privacy is a poor attempt to remove the blame from her to you... In a covenant relationship there should be no secrets, all things should be open for examination... Trust (or faith) is based on evidence... I trust my wife because I love her and she has proven herself trustworthy... Your wife has failed to do that as is evidenced by her continued phone calls to the man she was falling for...

Second, once trust has been broken the restoration of it depends on those involved and their determination... IF you want the relationship to overcome this difficulty then you must determine in your mind what it will take for you to overcome your lack of trust in her... And, you need to let her know what those needs are... Perhaps it is nothing more than her promise to stop communicating with him and your checking the phone bill... Perhaps it is more detailed, but parameters need to be set and both parties need to agree with them and abide by them... BUT, once you make this determination and agree to the parameters, YOU MUST NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN until those boundaries are crossed, if they ever are...

Trust is a two way street... Not only do you need to feel that you can trust her, she needs to feel that she can be trusted and that she can earn your trust back...

I wish the two of you the best...

Answer 2

How can you trust her if she lied to you? What if you wouldn't have looked at the cell phone bill? It's been a couple of months and she never told you the truth. Why do you want to stay with someone that you cannot trust and has lied to you? Couples should not keep secrets. It's that simple. When one does, they do not deserve to be trusted. Privacy? That's b***s****! She just turned everything around to hide her dishonesty. Don't put up with it.

Answer 3

You need to understand that she is the one to blame for having the affair even though she claims it was an emotional affair. If she was not happy in her marriage or felt like she was missing out on something she should of came forward and talked to you about what she wants and what she needs. She is the one who stepped out on the marriage. She should understand why you are looking at her cell phone she broke your trust. She should of stopped all contact with him when she came forward and told you her situation. Do not put the blame on yourself for snooping she lied to you and will continue to do so unless you both get help on your marriage. It is up to her if she wants to work on this marriage and regain your trust again. She needs to prove she is trustworthy again.

Answer 4

I think she is upset B/c she got busted, plain and simple. She lied to you. If you were looking on your phone bill and saw a # of a man that she told you she will not talk to. then you have a right to be upset. Also you been trusting her since August. Just try to move on. she is your wife. try to work through this.

Answer 5

I know this hurts you and you feel betrad, you have every right to feel this way. Keep in mind cheating is not just physical, it is also investing time and emotions with another eg. a phone call. You two are married, so what if you looked at the bill, she shouldn't have anything to hide, it is normal we all do little things like this and it doesn't even matter. she is just trying to make you feel like you did something wrong, but it is about her CHEATING!

Answer 6

You broke her trust by looking as well as she broke her word to you by calling him. Hard question, hard answer. You both need to sit down, have her explain why she wants to remain friends with this person. You then need to accept her answer. You need to explain why you had to check your phone bills for past calls, in turn she needs to accept your answer. Then you start over. She says she has no contact, you don't look. Trust starts from there.

Answer 7

first of all, she abused her freedom and started to fall for someone (not you)

this gives you the right not to trust her at this point,

so then you check up on her because she needs someone to check up on her because she can't do the right thing on her own in the first place and you find out that she still is not doing the right thing

i fail to see where you are the bad guy in this

if she did something bad and there is still a posibility for her to do it then she should not have a reasonable request to privacy

what this turned into is "yea, i did bad but don't check up on me because i still want to do bad but if you catch me then you are the bad guy"

she has brainwashed you into thinking its your fault for checking up on her especially when she gave you a reason to check up on her

you can no longer trust her word and must rely on other means to ensure she is telling the truth, but if you use other means then you are a bad guy?

the same thing happened with mine, and i fell into the same trap that you are falling into, you better put a stop to it right now or start looking for a lawyer because you know whats coming next

she tried to cheat on you and she can't trust you? whatever

Answer 8

Beware of people that try and turn the situation around, knowing they are the one at fault. She was dishonest to you and it sounds like to me, she is trying to avoid that by making you look like the bad guy. A common and cheap technique.

Answer 9

Its over u breached her trust. You bad boy.

She was just having a fling, trying out the big whopper.

Answer 10

first of all you would not of invaded her privacy if she would of kept her promise....she turned this around and mad you look like the bad guy when in reality it is her who lied to you_