When should I tell my parents that I'm gay?

Question

I just turned 18 but I'm still in high school. Nobody knows, not even my best friends. I feel so lonely and depressed all the time about it and I need someone to talk to but I'm afraid my parents would be dissappointed in me. I've heard them say stuff sometimes about gays and lesbians that wasn't very nice. Does anybody out there have any suggestions?

Answer 1

I know the difficulty that you are going thru... Telling your parents would be disheartening for them... particularly the father.. they are the ones who take it the worst. There is NO short way of telling you my thoughts.... First of all.. you MUST know for sure yourself and thus, you might think about some points below: These are: QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Be Clear in Your Own Mind

Are you sure about your sexual orientation? Don't raise the issue unless you're able to respond with confidence to the question "Are you sure?" Confusion on your part will increase your parents' confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment.

Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality? If you're wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you'll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.

Do you have support? In the event your parents' reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.

Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality? Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you've done some serious reading on the subject, you'll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.

What's the emotional climate at home? If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they're not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss of a job.

Can you be patient? Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven't considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.

What's your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon.

Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.

Are you financially dependent on your parents? If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.

What is your general relationship with your parents? If you've gotten along well and have always known their love -- and shared your love for them in return -- chances are they'll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.

What is their moral societal view? If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they've evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.

Is this your decision? Not everyone should come out to their parents. Don't be pressured into it if you're not sure you'll be better off by doing so -- no matter what their response.

Now.... as far as the reactions of tdhe parents.. There is no sete way they would react because each family is unique.. But I have cited some reactions that you might encounter:

When you come out to your parents, you may find your parent-child roles reversed for a while. They will need to learn from your experience. As your parents deal with your disclosure, you must assume the "parenting" role by allowing them time to express their feelings and make progress toward new insights.

This will not be easy. You'll want them to understand and grasp this important part of your life right away.

It will be easy for you to become impatient. You'll need to repeat many of the same things. Just because you've explained something once does not mean they heard it. Their understanding will evolve slowly -- painfully slowly -- at the beginning. Their emotional reactions will get in the way of their intellectual understandings.

Allow them time and space. Consider your own journey; you've been working on this issue for years! Although the issues your parents will work through are similar to those you've dealt with, the difference is that you're ahead of them in the process. Be patient.

In all probability, they will feel some sort of LOSS and SEPARATION:

Many families take the news as a temporary loss -- almost as a death -- of the son or daughter they have known and loved. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (in one of her articles) describes the stages related to the death of a loved one as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Just as in grief, the first reaction of parents of gays and lesbians centers around separation and loss.

Parents experience loss when their child comes out, but it probably will be only temporary.

Answer 2

I came out when I was 13 and that was hard.

It depends on your family and friends, and where you live and if they can handle it. I lived in Dallas, and it wasn't so bad because it's a big city.

That lonely part will go away. Just keep your head up and be careful when you go to clubs as you get older because you will be the fresh meat on the scene and you don't want those evil chicken hawks swooping down to pluck you up.

Usually a friend or family member has their suspecions anyway. There has to be at least one friend or someone you can talk to. I told my best friend, Liz, and her Mom and Dad were very accepting too so it made it easier to then tell my parents later.

PS - If you hang with Rachel and Jen, I bet they already have their suspicions, so they may be the more accepting ones to turn to first?!

Answer 3

Tyler,
Why would you hurt your parents in that way? I think you should tell them at the same time I tell them I'm not. Why is every gay person out there so agog about telling everyone there gay. I have never told anyone in this world that I'm straight, I just don't get it. I'm also a alcoholic, but I don't go around telling everyone. If your gay I personally don't want to hear it.
TDCWH

Answer 4

I think maybe you should sit down and try to tell them. I know it's going to be hard but it's better you tell them than they find out some other way. Your parents love you and should stand behind you with whatever you choose to do. Just be yourself. You can't live your life for everyone else you have to do what makes you happy. I'm straight but have a gay friend. It was hard for him but he needed to live his life.Good Luck

Answer 5

Your to late.You probably should have told them at two oe three
years old no later then twelve.But then they would feel too prematurely guilty for dropping you on your head because they
would never believe it and would have blame it on "bugs"
Especially at two or three ,then maybe blame worse ,like
some stranger they picked out walking down the street.
But they will get great staisfaction knowing the statement ...
"Children learn from example " is false.

Answer 6

well yes they are going to be upset you can be sure of that,they are going to think they did something wrong to cause it....WOW,if you were my kid,i don,t know what I would do,however if you are really sure,then you need to bite the bullet and tell them...Its only a matter of time before it comes out anyway,and they will be asking you....Either that are live in denial.....there is no way out of this.........I know i would be upset but i would love my kids even if they were ....parents want you to be happy,they might get so upset you have to get away from them for awhile,but sooner or later they will come to terms with it...I can only tell you what i would do,I would be in shock,but I would never give up my kids regardless of what they do.........

Answer 7

i think it relies upon. in case you be attentive to for a shown fact that your mothers and fathers won't settle for it properly, then it ought to be greater effectual to attend till you're out on your own to come back out. some human beings get kicked out of their domicile or disowned by employing kin with the aid of fact they are gay. this is good to tell your mothers and fathers, nonetheless. they should love and settle for you for precisely who you're. Deep down, no count what, they love you. For me, it replaced into greater effectual for me to tell my mothers and fathers that i'm bi extremely than gay, even nonetheless i myself am bisexual to 3 degree. They see it as there continues to be a guess i will finally end up with a guy. i like that i do no longer ought to sneak around. i do no longer ought to speak softly approximately women. i will brazenly communicate approximately my lady buddy, and that i like with the ability to do this. they could no longer in basic terms like the actual shown fact that i like women in that way, yet they try to enable me do what i choose for to do, and that includes being with my lady buddy.

Answer 8

One thing you could do would be to try to find a Gay/Lesbian support group. People there would have lots of experience with what you are going through now, and they could definetely help.

Answer 9

as a parent, if my son knew he way gay, i'd like to think he would reveal his sexuality to his mother and me as easily as if he failed a math test. parents are suppose to love their children unconditionally.
i suggest you speak with your mother or father separately. release yourself from the burden of hifing who you really are. you must be true to yourself if you want to find happiness in life.
your parents may not accept or like the news, at first, but,, you are their son and they do love you and want what is best for you.
make this your resolution for January 1, 2007. let it be a new beginning in more ways than one.
best of luck! be happy!

Answer 10

Your parents might be disappointed in you, but I am sure they love you no matter what.

If you're at a loss for words you might say to them when you do come out, watch this video. It's really very good and it might be helpful to you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kfqZaRR8u4