Should I trust him again?

Question

I just found out last week that my boyfriend whom I have lived with for 4 years and have 2 children with - one is just 3 months old - has been screwing another woman this whole time. I am so disgusted given the fact that we have been through so much already. We bought a house together 2 years ago also. I says that he didn't feel anything for her, it was just sexual attraction (as if that made me feel any better). He never used any protection with her, which means that if she had any diseases he would have passed them on to me easily. What do I do? My kids are very young and I am not necessarily in a position to just up and leave. Should I try to make it work or should I just call it quits.

Answer 1

OOOh, hon, what a rat. How dare he? I think a relationship/marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion, and Trust, and when the trust is gone, the rest of it just erodes away. Even with counseling, it will be two years before the trust returns, and that is no guarantee...from my friend who has been a marriage counselor for 30 years...... But you have children together, which makes just leaving tough --- maybe that's why he chose to cheat....he knows you really can't leave.... makes ya feel really love, doesn't it???? Men are for sure victims of their testosterone, but all of us hope we don't have one of those kinds of guys. Betrayal is THE only real dealbreaker in a relationship, and frankly, I just don't know how women go on in a marriage knowing their partner shared body and soul with another..... for me, that is just beyond the pale. That you are hurt, angry, confused, resentful is to be expected --- because guys would just die if you had done the same thing to them ---- but they never think of that --- they use their little heads instead of their big one. You will never really trust the guy again --- once a cheater always one has more truth in it than any of us would like to admit. If you wish to save this, , hon, you both need to get into some counseling.... your resentment will just build to the point that you can never save this.

Answer 2

Let's go through your post.

<> Now if you just found out that a close friend of yours had been getting everything she wanted and more for 4 years would you be mad at her or happy for her?

<> When you say this, do you mean he has been there for you, as well as you being there for him? Or is this something like, 'I sacrificed for him so he owes me'?

<> Who paid the downstroke? Who qualified for the loan? Who makes the monthly mortgage? Do you have equity?

<> This may be the most damning of all, when you meant to say he you actually said I. The rest of your post is similarly, "I, me, I, me . . . "

<> You have a point here, but are you projecting? Did he actually give you a disease or simply put you at risk?

<> Do him a favor and leave. Would you hate your dog for just being a dog? The guy is what he is. You are not going to change him. Think about what it would feel like for you to be stuck with someone who wanted you to be someone other than who you were.

It sounds to me like you are using him and want to tell him what to do besides.

Answer 3

Why did you do everything backwards? Buy a house, have kids but no marriage? What state do you live in and how long have you been together? Some states have common law marriage and/or meretricious relationship, which is almost the same thing. Is the house in both your names? If so, you should be able to get half of the equity. I just couldn't in good conscience (and my marriage is a survivor of an affair) recommend staying with this man. Don't let the fact you are single and have two kids stop you from leaving him- the college system in America is designed to help you get on your feet and take care of your kids while you get an education and get on your feet. It just sounds like you deserve so much more than someone that doesn't have the decency to stay faithful, or marry, or protect you from diseases- he could have KILLED you. Not using protection these days is a serious thing. Get yourself tested to make sure you don't have anything and then make a plan and go out and get a future for yourself... without him!!!

Answer 4

Don't let your position stop you, there are plenty of support facilities out there if you need help leaving or finding a place to go. And don't use that as an excuse for staying for more of the same. Your inaction will look to him like acceptance. To me it would be worse that "he didn't feel anything for her" rather than that he had fallen for someone else. Even worse that it was a long-term thing, not even some one-night stand situation. If it was "just sexual attraction" to only one other woman, then I'd be terribly surprised. I would bet there are and have been more, and he won't stop now, esp if you forgive and forget. Kick his cheating *** to the curb.

Answer 5

First off GO GET HIV TESTED! same for the loser BF. You know, I know this is easier said then done, but you need to up and leave, better yet KICK HIS @ZZ to the curb! Selfish little man isn't he? Of course he's going to tell you he didn't feel anything for her...It's always ABOUT SEX Du! He dumped your relationship for 5 minutes of cheap sex, not ONCE but HOW MANY TIMES??? He has no respect for you or your kids ONLY FOR WHAT HE NEEDED...and the worst of it is he didn't even have the brains enough to use PROTECTION! did he just want MORE KIDS!? why on earth would you keep this man? The other bad sign is your not even married to this guy. I would suggest some major therapy if you think you really need to stay with this man.

Answer 6

he claims it was only sexual gratification, but is that what he told her too, that he didn't love u anyway think he put u in danger, if he has also been with her the entire time, doesn't sound as if he ever loved u anyway. and u have no guarantee that it won't happen again. if it was a one night stand, or a one time thing maybe that would be different, but u can bet he wasn't telling her it was all about sex, she also thought she was having a relationship with him. save yourself years of heartache and leave him, and file for child support, and never look back, cause this is something u will never be able to get past.

Answer 7

U know this is a very difficult decision to take but what i will just advice u is first of all if u look at all those things u guys did together i can tell that he loves you,and if he really loves you i don`t think he will do such thing,look at your kids, they are too young.but i also think that u should make him have a test before u can anything with him again,so please don`t quit now just give him a second chance for the sake of your children because they deserve a Dad.thanks

Answer 8

I just got the same slap in the face this very morning, as my husband was suddenly worried for my health and our unborn child because he is beginning to worry about some symptoms he and I have been having. Kick him to the curb with the rest of the trash, right next tomy husband.

Like I told my husband...You wouldn't build a house on a cracked foundation, nor would you build a relationship on lies and deceit.

Good Luck and be strong

Answer 9

First off, go get tested.

I'm sorry that you've been lied to for 4 yrs. Its not easy to work away because you have kids involved. If he's willing to work on the relationship then I'll say stay but I do advise councelling. If he doesnt' want to go then you may need to think about ending the relationship. Utimately, the decision is yours. Take what we post on here as opinions only not determining factors in how you should move forward in your relationship.

Answer 10

If it was just sexual attraction like he said it was, then his love for you should have won out. You might have 2 kids with him, but you shouldn't stick around just because of them. Children deserve to be in a household where the two parents love and trust one another, and if that isn't the case, then they are better off in a single parent household with visitation priviledges.