Our baby is 5 months old and me and my husband has been fighting a lot since his birth. Sometimes it feels as if we aren't even a couple but just living together. What can I do to make things better? We can't go out because we don't have anybody to babysit.
2006-12-28 11:27:30 · 26 answers · asked by Charmaine V 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Here's the thing, every couple experiences problems once the baby comes.
When the man hears that he is about to become a father, he is overjoyed beyond compare. He will cater to the mother of his child as if there were no tomorrow. There is so much anticipation concerning the coming of the newborn. Neither can wait for the child to be born. They prepare a room for this little creature and they think they have all the bases covered.
Well then the kid arrives screaming its little butt off and it demands and it demands and it screams and it screams and it makes such a mess. If it's not soiling the diaper that you just put on, then it's barfing up its dinner right down the front of your shirt or down your back. You may change your clothes more often than you will the child's. You feed it and it screams while you are feeding it. You know the kid is so tired, so why doesn't it just shut up? You are so tired that you don't know which way is up. All day long, you are cradling this little thing and trying to get it down for a nap, but as soon as you put the baby down, it wakes up and it all starts all over again.
You can't get supper done and if you do, it's probably burnt to a crisp and your husband gets annoyed. Nothing gets done. And when it's bedtime, the kid is still screaming and if by chance the little one does fall asleep, you do not feel sexy and want to have sex because we know what can happen. The kid will wake up and the husband thinks you should just ignore the brat and continue having a good time with him. But, the crying makes you nuts and so you get out of bed and take care of the little one. To make matters worse, your husband seems to hate you because you no longer have time for him. He is actually jealous of his own child. He thinks you would rather spend ALL your time with the kid. In fact, he may even accuse you of using the kid as an excuse not to cater to his needs.
Welcome to parenthood. You and your husband need to realize that you have a demanding little person to fill your days and nights. It is a great responsibility and you both must be calm and loving and until you both realize that it will never end, it is you who have to make the adjustment. You are no longer a couple. There's a third wheel that you both have put into the mix. One night, the kid will sleep through the night and you will experience bliss once again. When that happens, you will begin to notice that it's not so bad having the kid around.
The secret is to just relax. It is what it is. You have a baby now and for the first year of its life, it will be hard on you. Trust me when I say that it's an adjustment for the baby as well. The kid didn't ask to be born. It owes you nothing, rather you owe it everything.
And who says you can't go out? Take the kid with you. You are no longer the carefree young couple you once were. You have to be responsible young adults with a child. There's many places in which you can take your kid with you. When you stop fighting the situation that you are in, the better it will go for you.
Hug that kid and let it know that it is loved. A content and happy baby is important for you own sanity. Don't fight it, go with the flow. Good luck.
2006-12-28 12:12:05 · answer #1 · answered by Call Me Babs 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd hate to say it, but that is completely normal. It breaks down like this. You don't show him enough attention, because it all or at least a lot of it goes to the baby. You as a new mom, are feeling a bit overwhelmed (normal) and by nature direct your attention to the baby. Since you are consumed with the baby, you may tend to overlook the fact that he is there trying to compete for your attention and affection. THIS IS NORMAL. You are doing nothing wrong. To put this into perspective. How would you feel if he had the baby for nuturing and feeding? And you were the 'odd man (woman) out. The time you used to spend going out, or even talking has been diverted to other more important things. This void, puts tremendous strain on a relationship. This dangerous strain, isn't widely talked about by healthcare professionals when you are new parents. And that is a shame. Hang in there. You can overcome it. Lots of couples have, but it is essential that you restructure your line of communication, both physically and emotionally. And I can imagine that dad, I am assuming helps out. And even if he doesn't, slip him a comment along the lines of, "honey, I appreciate you _________ with the baby. You are going to be a great dad" Watch what happens, you'll be amazed. Good luck.
2006-12-28 11:46:46 · answer #2 · answered by mumra_06 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is always hard to adjust to married life after a baby! It is important though that you do make special time to be alone together without baby!Speak to your health visitor and ask her for a recommended baby sitter. Even if it is only once a month, you need to break away from the home routine.
An alternative, is once baby has gone to sleep, prepare a nice romantic dinner for your husband! Sometimes men have a hard time adjusting, as at this age, baby needs you more! Dad's usually only get totally involved once the little one is more active and responsive. They feel a little left out, not quite jealousy, but neglected to a certain degree. They don't understand the hormone thing either. Try a nice dinner at home .... and do try and get some time away from the home ... it will make you both remember each other as you were. Take care!
2006-12-28 18:50:35 · answer #3 · answered by lynne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unintentionally, you have probably both forgotten what made your baby, & that is your love for each other.
You need some quality alone, so hire babysitter & go out for a meal, or somewhere where you can talk about what has happened the past five months.
Discuss what you are both feeling, & what you would both do to change things around.
I'm sure once you have done this, you'll both have a better understanding of how you can move forward as happy loving family.
2006-12-29 03:45:37 · answer #4 · answered by Kingbee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can you afford to hire a nanny for a night? There are services like "Nanny Network" that specialize in having qualified nannies that you can hire for an evening. It might cost a bit, but it's worth it to be able to get out as a couple. That's probably why you guys have been fighting- it's so hard to have a baby and the responsibilities are overwhelming with a little being 100% reliant on you. What about having one of your parents or a relative come and stay with you so you can get out? Even getting time away individually with one of you watching the baby while the other goes out can make a big difference. It sounds like you guys are just overwhelmed with the (huge) responsibility that come with having a baby (no one can ever prepare you for it). Just try to remember what stress is actually coming from the marriage and what stress comes from outside issues and try not to blur the line and get mad at each other for things you don't need to be getting mad about- keep the anger in the correct direction, or you end up hurting the one you love. Good luck!
2006-12-28 11:45:54 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
What you are going through is not that uncommon. I would say you were a very young couple. Marriage goes through different stages. In order to have a successful marriage, one must be willing to die and be reborn in a spiritual sense. While you are single, your main focus is on your wants and needs and not anyone else's. When you marry, you have to die as a single person and be reborn as a married couple. This requires you to place your wants and needs on the back burner and place the needs as a couple as your primary concern. It is a difficult mindset to get use to. It can also a very joyous experience when you have the right partner. When you have children, you have the death of the couple and rebirth as caretakers of the child. The wants and needs of the couple are sacrificed for the child. This is a difficult mindset for a male. The lover that he has grown so fond of and has been there for him has a time managment problem. The time she spends with the child is time that she isn't spending with him. Pappa takes a back seat. If the sex life is gone and can't find confort in his mate (time managment, or just fatigue) then he feels like a beast of burnden. All his efforts to bring home the bacon and it is all used up for something else. He has nothing tangible to show for it. If the baby was planned, then the father can be more mentally prepared for this step, especially if he has had several years to adjust to his role as 1/2 a couple and a stable emotional base to continue to the next level. If the baby came so soon that he had not fully given his life up as a single person to be 1/2 of a dual partnership, then the added responsibility can be difficult to overcome. He feel he is not in control of his own life anymore. At this point, he strikes out at everything that prevents him from obtainting the bliss he once felt.
It would be best that you find a good marriage councelor that can help you through this time. Once the energy and focus is aimed at addressing your problem and not just venting frustration, harmony will return to your house.
2006-12-28 11:46:02 · answer #6 · answered by Mr Cellophane 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its so hard when baby comes and keeping your relationship "fight free" .. i have 2 sons. ages 11 and 8. its always so tough during the first year of your baby's life. just try to remember that you can take "couple" time even with the baby home. make a date night. rent a movie and have popcorn on the couch . little things work! take the baby OUT together for a walk and just talk about the good times you have had and talk about the good times you will have in the future after this struggling time. life gets MORE busy, not to rain on your parade, but this time especially you can't forget that you guys were a 2 before you became a 3. so work hard at trying. it does pay off.
2006-12-28 11:38:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
You can go out to the movies or to eat dinner just to relieve some of the stress. You should try to prepare candle light dinners for the both of you along with a glass of wine. There is sometimes a lot of stress after a baby. Your husband may be feeling left out since the baby came. Once he may have gotten your full attention. But now that the baby is involved, he has to share. This will sometimes seem stressful for you. However, things should get better. Try to get him involved more with the baby. You and him can go out to rent movies and watch them together over popcorn. These are just a few ideas. Good Luck!!!
2006-12-28 11:35:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think that the two of you are fighting because you are trying to adjust to having a new baby and you are both trying to make each other happy, but don't know how to.
The two of you need to sit down and talk things through and find out what is worrying the two of you. You don't have to go out just do it one evening when your son is asleep, but make sure that you do it and soon
2006-12-29 00:37:21 · answer #9 · answered by Baps . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It just might help to have a quiet dinner one night after the baby sleeps. Making it as romantic as you can, taking the time, and having a nice conversation just to remind the two of you of how great it was when you were much closer. Whatever it takes to rekindle that fire you guys shared.
Looking your best and paying attention to detail is important. Maybe he feels that he's taken a back-seat since you've had your baby. It might just be an adjustment thing for him, but some do find it hard to adjust to the changes in life.
Trust me, nothing like being playful, very intimate, arousing and being teasingly naughty - just like old times. You definitely know how best you'd tease the best out of him :-)
If you'd like to discuss or share your thoughts please feel free to IM/email me. Good luck.
2006-12-28 11:36:26 · answer #10 · answered by houstonian352000 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋