I've been married 19 years. I found out a few months ago that my husband had an affair most of the summer.

Question

After much soul searching, I decided to try to forgive him and we're trying to work it out. We're seeing a marriage therapist together, then I'm seeing someone on my own. I'm trying to deal with it, to forgive. He's doing all he can to change and prove to me that he'll never do this again.But even after almost 5 months now, I just can not move past it. I loved him so much and now I feel as though everything has changed. He had an affair a few years ago that I didn't know about until the recent one. This is a man that everyone likes, the good ole' boy, the one I thought would NEVER cheat on me. I thought we were special, now I feel like we're like everyone else and there is nothing special except the 2 children we have created. Im so torn between wanting to stay and forgive if I can, or wanting to leave and be on my own while I'm young enough to still enjoy being young (I'm 38). The indecisiveness is the worst part. It's like Im here watching my life go by and I have no control

Answer 1

I TOTALLY disagree with the 'once a cheater always a cheater' line. Thats bullshit. I think, if you should love him, and he is working this hard to change, give him the chance. IF YOU WANT THAT. You will have mixed feelings for a while. My husband cheated on me 3 years ago, even left me for her. We were almost completely thru the divorce, when he come home, begging for me to come back. We went to therapy, and we are now happier then we have ever been. I still think about it now and again, and wonder what he is doing, but he always proves to me that he isnt doing anything he shouldnt be. It is expected that you will have doubts. He brought that on himself, and now he is going to have to work hard to get that trust built back up. Good luck honey. I am sorry you are going thru such an ordeal. Follow your heart, and if you would like to talk, feel free to message me.

Answer 2

Wait a minute! Alot of the answers so far that I see are so easy for these other people to say when they are not in your situation.
You seem to want to work on your marriage. You said you want to try and forgive him. You have 2 children. You have 19 years invested here. Try and work it out! Just be very cautious. You have found out about 2 affairs. I would be certain that you would find out about more than these 2 affairs if you were to try. I would be hesitant to trust him again. There is your conflict. Forgive him, but, watch him for a while. I mean watch him CLOSE! These affairs from the past, what were the circumstances that these affairs took place? I mean, where was he supposedly gone to? Who did he tell you he was with? I would follow him a few times. You can rent a car, borrow one, etc . . . Just give it some time and see if you think you can really trust him or not. You may have given him a good wake up call and he may not do something so stupid ever again because he realizes that he has a wife and family to risk losing if he does. If you can afford to, even have him followed by a professional private investigator. After some time, your trust will come back or you will learn that you should not trust him. Best wishes!

Answer 3

I was married 12 years to a cheater. He even went so far as to having children with other women while we was married. I heard the same line, I am sorry and I won't do it again. But in my opinion once a cheater always a cheater. You are the only one that can decide on what you want in life. There could be a better man out there that would give you the respect by not cheating on you. I personally don't believe that you will ever forgive your husband because cheating is the type of hurt that never goes away. If there is no trust then there is no marriage, so that is why I divorced the man I had 4 beautiful kids with. You need to figure out what make you happy and if you can't go beyond the cheating then it may be best to end the marriage.

Answer 4

First, remember that he had an affair (or affairs) because of problems HE has, not because of you. The only thing that really scares me about what you have said is that it has happened before. If it were just once, I would say you could work it out (my husband and I did) even though it is one of the most painful things you can go through in your life. However, since there is another affair in there, it sounds like your husband has more issues with his self-control than you may be willing to deal with. It took me a year to get over it when my husband had a nervous breakdown and screwed up, and I still have moments that are painful enough to bring tears to my eyes- it doesn't go away, you just learn to deal with it. Remember that you always have control- don't give it up to anyone. Ask yourself what you are getting out of the marriage. Continue your counselling. Make sure everything is 100% honest and that he is open about EVERYTHING. No e-mail accounts you don't have access to, no phones you don't have access to etc. etc. In a marriage, there are no secrets- at all. When you marry, you become one, not two islands floating in a stream together- ONE. Make sure he gets his act together as this is his problem, not yours. Make sure he does everything to make you feel safe in your relationship. I am so sorry you've had to go through this and even sorrier that the world produces people willing to be home-wreckers. Be strong and remember you are one of many who have had to go through this and we're all behind you.

Answer 5

Wow, when i read ur statement i thought i was reading something out of my own life. Im 39 and will be married 20yrs this summer. Also have 2 children that i adore.. as well i thought my marriage was great.. I found out about 7mos ago that my husband cheated on me. Blew me away, i thought we were tight, nothing like that would happen to us. I can relate to u feeling like just getting out, moving on. What a hard step to make, if ur thinking anything like me. He is also doing everything in his power to make things "right." Sometimes, i feel like i can forgive him for doing what he did, then other times i look at him and cant believe that someone i loved so much would step on me like he did and not think twice about it. I want to love him again like i did, but so far i do still love him but in a different way. I dont know if i will be able to go back to that place, where we once were. My daughters r the most important things in my life, i think a lot about them and what this would do to them? (if i were to ask him to leave).. Then i wonder what am i teaching my girls? They dont know exactly whats going on but can feel that something is up. We (him and I) try to be as "normal" as possible, but kids r smart. You r absolutely right, u feel like u have no control whatsoever.. but i think deep down we do. Its reaching inside of ourselves and pulling that decision out no matter how hard the "answer" is that is scary.. and im scared of what may come out. Friends have said its an emotional attachment, i have spent more than half my life with this man. I would have to say they have a point, but do i want to leave him? Mannnnnn.. i dont know. I hope u find the answers ur looking for, and i hope some answers for me r around the corner too. Keep the faith and hope that better times will come, thats what i do to keep myself going. Good luck!!!

Answer 6

Then take control. If you are going to allow him to stay in your life take control of the situation. Make him earn his way back in. Put him in another room and make him date you. Don't give him the benefits of being married when he hasn't been.

If you aren't going to be able to forgive him then let him go. It's much better to be healthy alone than sick with him.

And your children? Most would rather be from a broken home than live in one.

You have to decide which way to go before you can take action. No one else can do that for you. If he stays you must actively work on forgiveness just as he must actively work on earning your trust. If he is to go then it may as well be this minute.

My heart goes out to you, honey. Search your own. The answer is there.

Answer 7

Once a guy or husband in your case cheats more than once he is most likely to continue having affairs because he can't or won't help himself. He'll say anything and do anything usually to keep his marriage together if there are children involved in most instances. He'll say or do anything to keep the wife from leaving her and promise always never to do it again even if he is at that moment engaged in doing it again. Since your husband has had multiple affairs it is likely he is having another one now and maybe more than one. Since you know he has had multiple affairs the best thing you can do is to separate from him and take the children with you. Divorce him for infidelity and adultery at the first opportunity. File for custody of the children. Get it over as quickly as you can and get on with your life.

Answer 8

I am SO sorry this happened to you. I was cheated on and our marriage didn't survive it. Honestly, though, it was for the best. I realized that our relationship was not really as good as I had initially thought. It's like I just wanted things to be good and so I pretended, in a way, that everything was fine. I am remarried now and couldn't be happier. It's your choice, of course, but if you are worried about your future happiness, then consider this: In five years, you could be five years older--43 years old--and still unhappy like you are now. Or, you could move on and be happy. Then, in five years you will look back and be glad that you were strong enough to move on. I am not telling you to leave him, but he has had TWO affairs!!!! He actually had SEX with two other bimbos!! While you were probably home with the kids. He disrespected you--not only you, but your marriage and your family. And I hate to say it, but many cheaters do it again--and again, and again.

Answer 9

u loved and believed him to be someone who would never cheat, and it turned your world upside down, and if we can't trust out mate who can we feel safe with, plus its not the first time it happened, so now your wondering how many times has it happened that u never knew about, and how many more times will it happen again. what u thought was safe and honest, and couldn't go wrong no matter what went wrong in your life u figured your marriage was a safe refuge, well now u find out it wasn't what u thought, so ir may take u much longer to forgive him if at all.

Answer 10

sweetie i feel for ya. i just went through the same thing. i have a 2 year old and my (ex) husband cheated on me cause i became a mother and he wasnt ready to be a father. (although we planned to have a child after 7 years of marriage) once i found out i immediately filed for divorce. honey if he dosent cherish every part of you find someone that does. it is really hard in the beginning of the ordeal, especially with children. but you will definately be better off. i know that your heart is torn. i even thought about going back to him after the divorce when he pleaded. but i knew the trust would never be ther again. be good to yourself. find someone that loves and cherished your wedding vows to you like you did to him. if you need to talk email me. good luck to you. god bless