We just divorced last month. I found out that she was having an affair with a school teacher where she works. We where high school sweethearts and together for 15 years. We have two young boys together. I wanted to work on marriage and she did not. I still love her very much and want to work on starting over with her .She knows I still love her and when I dropped our sons off at her house she invited me to dinner with them tonight. I'm trying to move on but I want her in my life so bad. She told me that she has no feelings for me when she left our relationship, I was a good husband and father what would you do? Also she is still seeing this guy as much as she can. What does this mean? does she have feelings for me? should i go tonight?
2006-12-28 07:55:16 · 13 answers · asked by shawclint 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Okay. Being divorced from my high school sweetheart after 14 years together (this was nine years ago so I have a pretty clear picture of things these days) I can give you this advice.
She's being nice. She's being nice to the father of her children and trying to build a friendly relationship with you since one way or another you will always be in each other's lives.
Now for the smack upside the head. You're codependent. You need to get over it and move-on. Right now you are so blind by hurt and codependency that you don't think there will ever be anyone else for you. She seems like your only salvation. I can guarantee she's not.
She doesn't love you in the husband/wife kind of way anymore. She cares about you lots, she doesn't want you run over by a bus or anything, but she doesn't want to be with you in a husband/wife relationship anymore. For her, there is too much bad water under the bridge to repair it.
My wife and I got back together and tried to work it out. It was terrible. Everyday was spent worrying if she was still carrying-on with her coworker (whom she eventually married and divorced a couple of years later). Everyday I was worried she was going to leave me again. I worried myself down 40 pounds. By the time we finally called it quits it was like a huge weight had been lifted from me.
I worked on myself. Got my self-esteem back. And two years later I married a wonderful woman. Now looking at this relationship I can clearly see how dysfunctional my first marriage was. The problem was we grew-up together, but in reality we stunted each other's growth because we never developed who we were before we became a couple. Our identities was the couple, not each of us individually. We never became our own person before we became a couple.
Should you go tonight? I would respectfully decline. Otherwise you are just torturing yourself, which is another symptom of codependence and martyrdom.
2006-12-28 08:10:32 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
well i can tell you from experience that when a woman says there is no feelings left. that means that they still love you but no romantic love is there. not sure how much you fought to keep the marriage going , i used poetry, cleaned the house gave her flowers, wetheer she wanted them or not, it is not too late for you to do these things. even though you are divorced you can still win her back. i told my wife everyday that we were split i loved her, she would say i know. i would talk to her everyday about the good times, you will never be able to forgive yourself if you did not give it another shot and you should tell your wife that , that you guys invested 15 yrs together and should at least try to make a go of it. you said your vows for a reason and you meant them.
she may feel ashamed of her infidelity and not want you back because of this.
this is what you do tonight. go get her favorite flowers, write her a poem and put it in the flowers. get on one knee and tell her you still love her and want to give it another shot. then during the dinner play with the kids then go home wait a day. call her to jibber jabber about anything like the kids, or politics something to put that spark she once had in you, keep this going because once she starts having the good conversations again she will realize that she is still in love with you. and if not at least you gave it a shot. and you will have no regrets.
2006-12-28 08:09:50 · answer #2 · answered by boominz28 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, accept the fact that she has moved on, I know it hurts but you need to cut her off till you get over her, maybe have someone else drop the kids off with her, be civil to her. Keep the conversations on topics relating to the kids. Do you realize what you have a ticket to freedom, you've been tied down so long, thank the heavens you only had your heart broken, you could have got some STD that would have killed you. It's time to start playing the field. Being a good father and husband and all, she did not deserve you.
2006-12-28 08:11:24 · answer #3 · answered by jasmine K 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She may just be trying to be civil with you for the sake of the kids or she may try to keep you on the back burner in case this guy doesn't work out. My advice decline dinner and thank her. You need time and distance between the two of you so you can heal and steel yourself to keep her from possibly manipulating you.
Some people like their cake and want to eat it too.
2006-12-28 07:58:53 · answer #4 · answered by jaws1013 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO!!!
DO NOT go tonight. By not going you are showing her that you are moving on and you don't need her. She feels as if she has the upper hand and can have you back when she wants. Let her miss you and give it time. You really should try to move on, i mean really you gave her the world and she s h i t on it. Cheating is horrible. Don't make yourself available to her. You have to play hard to get like you don't care for her anymore. Then she'll want yoou back.
Trust me
2006-12-28 08:00:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO dont go, first off she ruined the chance with you, and is STILL seeing this guy even after inviting you over. Definitly no, fight those feelings, When she gets tired of him then she can chase you down and realize how much she misses you. Let that happen. dont play it easy and dont give into her need to see you, or she will be satisfied for that much longer :)
2006-12-28 08:04:08 · answer #6 · answered by jess_n_flip 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems that she still wants to be friends. If this hurts you because you want to be more than that well i advice that you dont go. I know it hurts because it has been done to me as well. You cant go pretending as if it doesnt matter. You will only be hurting yourself. Its fine to have a good relationship for your kids but leave it as that. She will soon realize what she is missing.
2006-12-28 07:58:57 · answer #7 · answered by Jenn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is probably just trying to show your children that you guys can be civil with each other when together, doesn't mean that she has feelings for you again. I would go and check it out and see how it goes!
2006-12-28 07:58:09 · answer #8 · answered by Lori J 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dont' go obviously she doesn't have feelings for you she told you she probably just wants the kids to see you too together healthy. WHich you cant do until you have moved on.
2006-12-28 07:59:05 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. Brown 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do not go over to dinner. This woman does not deserve your respect, and sure as hell does not deserve your love. All she is trying to do is make herself feel better. You can not force her to love you, and you can never trust her again. DO NOT GO!!
2006-12-28 08:00:47 · answer #10 · answered by Donna K 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋