a close friend just found out that her husband has an affair when she was 8 month's pregnant. The boy is now 4 months old and the affair is still going on. Her husband thought she didn't know about it, but has told her that he doesn't love her anymore. Although he still sleeps at home most of the time, he rented a small flat for him and the woman to meet up (she found the contract).
My friend was very upset and wanted to save the marriage. She said she had neglected him in the past as she was busy at work, and has to look after another boy. She was devastated but has remained calm since it happened, and told him that she will wait for him whatever happens.
I don't know what to do to help. She is very close to me. They met when they were in the university and have been married for 11 years. I thought the man just wanted to try something exciting for a while but he seems very serious.
Only serious advice please.
2006-12-28 07:46:25 · 32 answers · asked by Ruth 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm so sorry, and I'm afraid there is very little you can do. (Except be there to hold your friend up if and when she collapses.)
It does sound as if she's taking on too much responsibility for his infidelity. If he felt neglected, he should have been man enough to talk to his wife and let her know how he was feeling. It takes two to destroy - or maintain - a relationship, and it sounds like she's the lone survivor in the life raft of that marriage. I believe he's sailed on off......
Knowing that doesn't change anything though. She has to do what she feels is right for her to do...and giving this every possible chance to recover is apparently what she believes is best right now.
There are couples who have survived infidelity, but that is usually when the straying spouse is genuinely contrite and repenting for what they did, and really, really, really wants the marriage to work out. In other words, it can work out when they leave the other girl/boyfriend! It sounds like he is neither apologetic or changing his behavior, so it isn't likely to work.
You could point that out to her, but again, I think your best bet is to be there for her when this tower falls.
Good luck to you, her, and that little boy.
2006-12-28 08:04:31 · answer #1 · answered by CassandraM 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your friend needs to be reassured that she did not cause her husband to be unfaithful. He made the choice. She must be very clear about that or she will allow him to make her feel guilty for something he did. Life has its ups and downs, but that is part of living. So there was a time when she was very busy at work and wanted to get ahead in her career. She didn't give the little fellow as much attention as he felt he deserved, so rather than assuring her of his love and trying to reach some compromise, he got a new woman. What if every woman whose husband works overtime invited a new man into her life because she felt neglected by her husband. Yes, I know it does happen. But what if we all just gave up on a marriage vow when things weren't going just the way we wanted? What a fine life our children would have. Since the husband in this situation seems unrepentant, I would think he needs to make a choice. Give up the other woman, who has felt no guilt about having an affair with a married man who is also a new father, or move out. It must be devastating for your friend to have found out her husband has replaced her. She would benefit from counseling to help her make a decision about what to do next. A new mother does not need this kind of thing.
2016-03-28 22:38:25 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, I had a similar thing happen to me when I was pregnant with my second daughter. It was a very hard thing to come to terms with, and I also said I would wait/make it work/etc. while he got over the infatuation he had with the other woman. We had a family, and surely he couldn't walk away from that. The problem with that approach is that cheating not only hurts the heart, it destroys a person's self-esteem. And waiting around for someone to love you again is probably the most depressing thing you can go through. I was miserable, but didn't want to give up on my marriage. I would try to make things okay at home and pretend like I didn't care, but I resented him and eventually I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was a cycle I couldn't break - I hated him, wanted him out, but the thought of that scared me and I'd cave in and say it was okay, that I'd get over it. Finally, enough was enough. His affair was over, but the effects had totally destroyed our relationship. I kicked him out and felt great doing it. Sure, financially it was hard, but at least I could start rebuilding some self-esteem and a life worth living.
Getting past infidelity is possible, but not when the person doing the cheating isn't repentant about it. Everyone involved has to be able to accept their own personal responsibility, however large or small that may be. A man who continues the affair and a woman who allows it show absolutely no respect for each other or for themselves, and that is a very poor foundation for a relationship to be based upon.
As her friend, there is little you can say other than remind her that she deserves to be treated better than that. She deserves to know she is better than that. It may take a while, and she'll need your support throughout the whole ordeal, but eventually, she should realize a man like that isn't worth her time or energy, no matter if there are kids involved or not.
2006-12-28 08:06:04 · answer #3 · answered by Zizzy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I all think we know what SHE should do. The question is what can YOU do. You have to support whatever decision she makes and as stated above, be there for her when she falls...and it sounds like she will. If she asks for your advice, you could tell her how you feel and how you would handle it. The old saying "Easier said then done" is so true, though. The best thing you can do is be there for her and not judge her even if she decides to try to make it work. I can understand her wanting to overlook an affair than try to raise a baby alone. It's easier for her to pretend nothing is wrong so things can stay the same. I think if youm push her to leave and she is not ready OR if they try to work things out she may resent you for going against her marriage. Just be there as a shoulder to cry on and give advice when asked. Good luck!
2006-12-28 08:05:43 · answer #4 · answered by Kristy M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, only she can decide whether to stay or not 11 years is a long time and she knows him better than anyone. He may be going through a midlife crisis and she may somehow know that he will come back because he doesn't know for certain what he wants. It really has to suck for her. I've kind of been in a similar situation but there was no baby involved. What kind of sl*t has gets pregnant with a married man's baby.
Many people on here are quick to say dump him then are the same who turn around and say people throw their marriages away like it's nothing.
2006-12-28 08:04:03 · answer #5 · answered by pinniethewooh 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry to hear that. This is just below the belt. I commend your friend for trying to save the marriage as she's doing what any loyal/lovable wife or mother would want to do, however you need to tell her that things will NEVER be the same. How will she ever be able to trust that guy...She will always doubt him in his mind. I know it's not easy to do but she needs to find other alternatives. Women are forgiving by nature but if she was the one having the affair and if her husband foudn out, he would NEVER forgive her so she needs to call a spade a spade. She can start by seeking counceling although from the story it looks like the husband is not ready to give up the other woman. Somebody needs to talk to the other woman.
Give your friend your utmost support so she knows that sh'es not alone. In my opinion living with a scumbag like him is not going to resolve any issue. May God bless you both and may u make the rite decision.
2006-12-28 08:01:04 · answer #6 · answered by Luv Peace 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her she should really get rid of him, I'm serious. My partner did this to me when I was 7 months pregnant and it hurt like you wouldn't believe. But he told me the very next day and was really drunk when he did it. His dad also died a few months earlier and was in a complete state. I forgave him because it didn't mean anything to him, he couldn't even remember what happened. This man is planning this all and is carrying on the affair. He obviopusly doesn't care about her at all, or his child. How can she stay with a man like that? She's letting him get away with it. He isn't worthy of your friend and she could do alot better. If she thinks she will never find another man, alot of men will date someone with a child. She'll look back in years to come and realise what a waste of her life it was staying with him. She could have a wonderful life if she wanted. She sounds like she has a good career, she has a baby too and a wonderful friend like you.
2006-12-28 10:33:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it were me I would have already divorced him. If he had ended the affair and was truly committed to making the marriage work that is one thing. But the fact that he is continuing the relationship with the other woman is horribly wrong! That is not a marriage! I am sorry to be so pessimistic and negative. I feel for your friend but she has to know that there are good men out there that are loyal and faithful and she does not have to put up with her husband's infidelity.
2006-12-28 07:59:41 · answer #8 · answered by Maggie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe they should try couple counselling through Relate:
http://www.relate.org.uk/
If you're not in the UK I'm sure there are marriage/relationship counselling services where you are.
It really is quite common for men to have affairs when their wives are pregnant. Don't ask me why, but it happens.
If she wants to save the relationship she should get some counselling. Alternatively she could kick him out and get as much financial support from him that a good lawyer can get her.
Please tell you friend I admire her for her dignified stance in the face of adversity. I really do.
If it was me I think I'd kick him in the nads. But I'm not a very dignified person.
2006-12-28 07:59:31 · answer #9 · answered by mcfifi 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this happened to my grandparents (althought there was no pregnancy) my grandad did a runner for a couple of years and as i was living with him since i was born he was like my dad. I constantly tried to keep in contact with him but the other woman keep deleting my messages off the home answer phone and unplugging the phone so i couldnt get hold of him. Eventually he realized he loved me grandma and he loved his family and he realized what he was missing. He came back. Obviously my grandma wasnt rotton to him or anything it was the other woman. In the end a marriage of over 10 years has very special bonds but people stray because they think they have found something else when they realize they haven't they come crawling back
2006-12-28 07:55:54 · answer #10 · answered by fiona127740 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋