My boyfriend proposed to me the day before Christmas Eve. I said yes, but...let me explain in detail my situation. I'm 33 and he's 35. We've known each other for 6 years, and during that time we've been "on again off again" so to speak. We enjoy each other's company, but I have extreme fears about marrying him. He lives an hour away from me, so I would have to move there. I have a 9 year old daughter also to think about. She would have to switch schools. Not to mention, I am used to living in the city, and he lives in "BFE" (way way way out in the country). I would most likely need to switch jobs. I don't think he understands my anxiety with this issue, even though I've expressed my feelings on this quite often. I don't know what to do. I need serious advice, please. I'm a very independent woman, who's never been married and I've never been one of those girls who fantasized about being married and all that garbage. What should I do?
2006-12-28 06:02:28 · 11 answers · asked by dmh1973 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Nobody can tell you what is right for you. However, there are red flags from your question that indicate that this hasn't been thoroughly thought through on his part, and that you may not be ready for marriage with this man.
1. You didn't say you love him.
2. You have "extreme" fears about marrying him.
3. You said you would have to move an hour away. What about him compromising with your living situation with your child?
4. He doesn't understand your anxiety.
Ask yourself why you really want to marry him and listen to what your head and heart says.
2006-12-28 06:13:55 · answer #1 · answered by calmrelaxed1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could swear your talking about me. I have they same thing going on. My boyfriend lives an hour away in BFE. I have a 12 year old daughter who would be uprooted too. The only difference in our situation is my bf hasn't proposed but has expressed thoughts on living together out in his BFE. I, too, am independent and there are alot of issues to be dealt with that relate only to your circumstances and don't involve him. You have to think about your daughter and her opinions. What does she want? have you asked her? Being scared to marry him doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to marry him. You've been off and on in the past and your holding on to that like an anchor from moving towards the future. Again, very normal. It seems to me that if he has proposed to you that he is ready for the stability that marriage can bring and he wants to move beyond the off and on again thing. Think about trusting in that when deciding on whether to marry him. Your daughter is still young and she will make new friends fast. But also, listen to your heart. Good luck!
2006-12-28 14:11:41 · answer #2 · answered by corona_1215 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen to your heart. You may be having anxiety about alot of things right now, but in the end maybe it won't be so bad.
You said yes for a reason. If you really love him, then why not.
On the other hand, how come you and him did the "on again off again" thing? That may be something to consider.......since it seems like you're reconsidering saying yes.
Good Luck.
2006-12-28 14:06:29 · answer #3 · answered by ~Fabulous~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Grow up. Fears are normal. Life is about changes and marriage is a big change. Stop thinking you can selfishly have everything the way you've ordered it in your life. Open your eyes, your mind, and your life, or stop the charade.
"...on again and off again, so to speak..." Sounds like you (both of you) have some serious commitment issues. Before you move any further, PLEASE get some counseling. Pre-marital counseling should ALWAYS be done anyway, but it sounds like you really have some issues.
2006-12-28 14:08:21 · answer #4 · answered by kurgan_fish 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell him what you just told us. Be honest. It is a bad basis to start a marriage on being dishonest. Your child can adjust with good support, you can find a new job, you can adapt to the country, but if it will make you unhappy then it will only make him unhappy in the long run as well. Tell him flat out what you feel you need in order to be content with your life. But first sit down and figure it what it is that you want for you and your child. If you can not clearly define that for yourself you can not define it for him. If he can not comply with your standards then keep the realtionship as it had been....
2006-12-28 14:08:12 · answer #5 · answered by Codi 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's lots of things to consider. Do you love him? Does he love your child? How does your child feel about him? Do you want to change jobs or move? Are you going to be able to find another job right away or are you going to have to commute and can you afford to? Weigh out all the facts involved in this. It's a big move and it's alright to be a little scared about it. Do you want to live in the country? Does he love you? Think it over real hard.
2006-12-28 14:13:09 · answer #6 · answered by golden rider 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cool question. Ok, you are already on again, off again as a dating couple. Red flags right there. He is insistant that you move to buttfvckegypt and dump your whole life to be with him. More red flags... Please do the smart thing here and forget this guy. Living in the "sticks" is for people with no people skills. You have more to worry about having a daughter to raise than catering to this guy. Dump him and hock the ring.
2006-12-28 14:09:21 · answer #7 · answered by oceanblue_007 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have doubts,the best counselor is TIME,do not make hasty decisions.
Also ,you comment about "marriage and all that garbage" implies very negative feelings towards the institution of marriage which would make it difficult for a marriage to work.
Good Luck
Pepe32
2006-12-28 14:12:19 · answer #8 · answered by pepe32 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you don't NEED to get married. You are doing well on your own. You have already defined yourself...you don't need a man to.
2006-12-28 14:08:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him GO FOR IT!! trust me i live in philadelphia my baby lived in new york and now we live together and hapier then ever and having a baby on the way.
TRUST ME IF YOU LOVE HIM GO FOR IT!!!
2006-12-28 14:18:02 · answer #10 · answered by Vickie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋