My husband's sister is visiting for the holidays with husband & kids. Me & my husband were looking forward to this. However, for no explanable reason, I seem to feel very uncomfortable about their time with us. While nothing untoward has happened, I feel there are some things are very wrong. I want to check if my sister-in-law's behavior is passive aggressive, and if yes, how to deal with it?
- She used to look down upon people, especially who drink, but has chilled down a bit in the last few years, and has accepted it as a social norm. Occasionally, she gets a drink too. But with this trip, she has wasted every single glass of alcohol she was served by taking a few sips and says at least someone should stay sober.
- We were out for dinner yesterday, and before that had a few drinks. We planned to have some port after that, but she fell sick and we had to return home early.
There are many such small incidents. Do you think her behavior is passive aggressive? how do I deal with it?
2006-12-28 05:17:22 · 8 answers · asked by Sumi 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I could not add more details before due to word limit, and my question ended up looking like it's all about drinking. There were many other instances that did not involve booze:
- We had to meet some cousins for dinner and were getting late. I am usually a punctual person, and was trying to get the group to get ready as early as possible to minimize delay. She went to her bedroom to get ready(I thought), but when she didn't appear for 15 mins, I went to check, she was lying in bed watching TV. She said she felt like watching that particular show.
- She always wants to keep a window open for fresh air. One of my windows doesn't have iron grilling and I have a Jack Russell, who could easily reach the sill and jump out. I have made requests to keep that window closed at all times, and she could open other windows, or make sure the dog is in another room before opening it. Yet, she always opens the same window. It's literally a battle of closing and opening the window between us.
2006-12-28 07:52:59 · update #1
- Her family has a culture of eating late meals - breakfast at 9:30 AM, lunch at 2:30 PM, dinner at 10:00 PM. My family has all these meals about two hours before, and she knows that. We end up following her mealtimes when we visit them. I would expect her to follow our system when she's here. But she has delayed at least 4 meals so far, some way or the other in very subtle ways. Once she said she was feeling sick, another time she made a long phone call to a friend just as I was laying the table, another time she ate a big snack about half an hour before the mealtime.
I don't know how to deal with this. It's a short visit and I do not desire a harsh confrontation, but I do not want to encourage this behavior. Any suggestions?
2006-12-28 08:12:03 · update #2
Sounds like the booze is making her sick. How is that passive aggressive?
2006-12-28 05:21:33 · answer #1 · answered by spelling nazi 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Doesn't really sound passive agressive. However, you seem judgmental by characterizing her behavior as wasteful.
She may be judgmental too, or she could be serious about being concerned about someone being sober.
Perhaps you could take some solace in the trend that she isn't as judgmental as she once was, and is making progress.
Once you've given her the drink it's hers to drink, pour down the sink or spill on the carpet if she chooses. So don't worry about if she is wasting it or not. It's a fruitless exercise.
2006-12-28 05:46:57 · answer #2 · answered by camys_daddy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is not passive aggressive- they were being self protective.
she was not telling you to "Stop". Its your home and it doesn't suit her and that is very clear to me, by your description.
the boundaries were crossed and disrespected-
talk about it with them. she became ill, and cut it short, so not to offend you. Express concern and its not a waste of time, you can come to common ground so the next visit is wonderful.
cool your jets on the booze- that is offending her-wasting booze is an option every time you pour the drink, so don't judge her.
many folks have medical reasons they don't want to discuss with you and can't drink- for what ever reason. honor that, offer more things that are NO alcohol. I love the margarita mixes and bloody mary mixes that taste great and have no booze.
we have a lot of that in my family and friends
old drinking mates- are all washed up and no port for us!
good luck- people change- so glad we are evolved enough to adapt.
2006-12-28 05:33:04 · answer #3 · answered by Denise W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a similar case in my karate dojo with a boy aged 6. He goes off on his own & looks up every now & then but doesn't really get with it! Using constantly conversing tactics seems to work with my 'problematic' pupil, as in putting myself in his face all the time whilst trying to explain stuff to him in his language! The most difficult part of this is finding the connection which will grab the boy's attention & keep it there so as to get your message efficiently across! If a constant rapport does not work then a range of visuals might be worth trying! Best of luck Celine!
2016-03-28 22:26:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It could be. Either way, it sounds like she disapproves of your lifestyle and is being self-righteous about it. I think the best thing to do is to live how you want when she is there and have fun in spite of her. Don't let her negative attitude get to you. If she continually wastes drinks, don't offer her anything alcoholic. Instead, say something like, "I have tea, soda, juice, or water, what sounds good?" If she acts put out, say, "I know you always like to be the designated driver!" If she gets sick again, just tolerate it. She is there for a short while, after all, and sometimes you have to accommodate in laws for the sake of the marriage.
2006-12-28 05:24:40 · answer #5 · answered by schweetums 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you watch to much Dr Phil if the woman does not want to drink that is certainly her business. I personally don't drink that often myself that does not mean that others around me can not enjoy just that I don't care to be drunk. Leave her alone perhaps the food did not agree with her. Sounds to me like you are borrowing trouble.
2006-12-28 05:21:48 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether or not her behavior is passive/aggressive, you are not comfortable with her. The best way to deal with it is to humor her during her visit. After all, it is just a visit!
2006-12-28 05:22:35 · answer #7 · answered by AnnieD 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is not passive aggressive behavior.
2006-12-28 05:26:34 · answer #8 · answered by Miss Crickett 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋