I am a pushover to startwith and she knows that. I will never speak back to her. I stew over her abuse for days thinking of what I should have said and wished I could say what I would really like to say to her. She is very mean and spiteful toward me, but never around her son. He thinks everyting is just fine. I wonder if I should seek counselling - I am very hurt by all she says and does to me. I have 4 children (5 yo triplets and 12 yo daughter) my life is VERY busy, but I need to be perfect and say and to the right thing at the right time or else, I hear it from her. I honestly never want to see her again. What do I say to her and my husband? Should I talk to them together. She is very nice when my husband is around, but when she has a bone to pick it is with me when my husband is not around. She even hauls be out of the room to speak her mind with me alone. Am I just being whinny, should I suck it up. I don't know what to say to her without getting angry.
2006-12-28 04:56:45 · 15 answers · asked by Pandora 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
if you would have killed her 25 years ago ...you would be out of prison by now ..
2006-12-28 05:14:33 · answer #1 · answered by acierman2006 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My first suggestion is to confront your husband. You need to explain to him everything you have said here. Let him know that she puts on a show when she's around the two of you so that he's not aware of her abusive nature. Tell him of the things that she has said and done when you two are in private. I personally would see if I could find a way to record it so that you could have concrete proof. It sounds like you have yourself a certified mama's boy and he's gonna defend her no matter what.
Lay it on the line...either he confronts her about her behavior or you will not go over there with your kids and subject yourself and your kids to her abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect as dones any human being or living creature. You are the mother of her grandkids and she needs to respect you as a wife and a mother and so much more.
I think that counseling is an excellent idea but try to get it as couple's therapy with the focus being on your in-law problems. I had to do this with my husband. I had horrible problems with my mother in law and she almost destroyed our marriage. I know how you feel. Eventually my husband believed me and I have since given her a piece of my mind and then some. I don't crawl away with my tail between my legs like everyone else does with her. I stand up for myself and my husband and I let her know when she is acting deplorable and ridiculous...
Sometimes you have to defend yourself to keep your dignity and self-respect...
2006-12-28 05:29:32 · answer #2 · answered by Cute But Evil 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maam you seem like a sweetheart, but unfortunately when we are nice, the vultures will peck on us. I put my foot down "before" I married my wife with her family. I said, this is how I lived in the past, and won't change the way I live in the future. I make my own life, no one else controls what i do, where i live, what i eat, it's just not happening. In Laws suck most of them anyway. They will ruin a marriage cause their lives are miserable. My mother in law had a miserable life, and thought her daughter would follow in her misery, but I wouldnt' let that happen.
Here's is what I'd do. You need to talk to your husband alone and tell him what is going on. I hope he's not like most men, a mommas boy. tell him to grow some friggin balls, YOUR his wife. YOUR his #1 responsiblity, not his mommy. Tell him to be a man and make a friggin decision, either be a husband, or a mommas boy.
I can tell your a good woman, you don't need this crap!
Life's too short kiddo.
2006-12-28 05:12:12 · answer #3 · answered by godzillasagoodman 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your husband and explain what is going on. He will be able to help. As for you, you are the better person cause you don't let her have it. That might be some of the problem is that she is jealous that her son married a woman that is better then her. So talk to your husband and see what happens. If that doesn't work then tell him that you only want to see her on the holidays cause you don't need or want her crap.
2006-12-28 05:03:10 · answer #4 · answered by sscott12414 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you complaining about it now? You've been allowing her to treat you like this for 25 years. What in the world do you think is wrong with that picture? Your not a pushover... you're content, or you must think you're suppose to be the martyr.
She treats you the way you allow her to treat you. Respect is necessary, but in order gain respect you MUST command it. Not demand it... but COMMAND it. she must and needs to know her "mother-in-law" place and you should have checked her behavior from the very beginning. Now unfortunately you've set the tone for this type of behavior... It can change but you're gone to have to put your big girl panties on and handle your business.
What do you do about this situation now?
Well, first...Tell your husband what you've been experiencing for these 25 years and how it's hurting you in your spirit... It's not about weather he believes you over his mother... It's all about the fact that he needs to protect you from all the in-laws and out-laws in life (in other words, anyone who causes you stress, heartache or pain.. perceived or otherwise) no matter who the heck it is, mother, father, children, in-laws, dog, cat etc.
See if he'll handles that business with his mom. Give it about 30 days. If the situation doesn't change. You need to brace yourself to check her behavior with a quickness. Get a backbone, your a grown woman not a young school girl. Get it together and take charge and command of your emotions and your household.
Tell her very firmly and "matter of factly" that you will not tolerate one second longer any of her disrespect, verbal abuse, spitefullness or any other crap . Let her know that if she continues she'll need to excuse her herself from your presence (if she's in your home show her the door) don't flinch when you say it. If your in her home and she disrespects you then you leave... and quickly. Don't be afraid...Be consistent with your behavior and stick to your word. No need to yell or scream or act crazy... Just look her dead in the eyes and be extremely firm and steady in your conversation and your actions and then move on. Take her phone calls only if she's respectful and kind.. if she starts trippin out... Tell her "ok.. remember what I said... about being rude, disrespectful (or whatever she's being at the time), bye have a nice day" then hang up, leave or excuse yourself from her presence.
If she makes a comment that you choose not to respond to... give her the silent treatment for a good while then either excuse yourself from her presence or go and hold open the door to your home for her to leave. You're commanding respect when you stick to what you say you're going to do or not do. You're not a pushover your a mature, grown woman, wife and mother... start acting like it!
2006-12-28 05:30:02 · answer #5 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Pandora,
Here you go, I'll tell you exactly how to change this behavior. When your husband is at home try to be extra nice when he isn't ignore her like the plague (pretend as though she doesn't even exist), the spin is it all falls back in her lap now and she will rethink how she treats you. Believe me this will work, it may take a week it may take a month but if you do this it will change things. You said you are a busy woman with four kid's you don't need to put up with her shenanigans like this. Best of luck to you.
2006-12-28 05:11:16 · answer #6 · answered by beamer 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She is a bully and you allow her to talk to you this way...next time confront whatever rude thing she says to you head on by saying "I feel that what you just said was very hurtful and I deserve an apology!" (or something along those lines) She cannot dismiss what is being said if it is coming from the perspective of how you feel and it will shut her down. Be consistant and it should work.
2006-12-28 05:10:48 · answer #7 · answered by Buff 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
most old people can be cantankerous old buggers and they dont waste words when blunt will do,,you would be better served doing as she does and she will more than likely respect you for it,,,,your hubby is her son and she loves him,,he will always be her little boy but you,,you are his wife,,she may have a sort of bond with you but not in the same league as him so step up,,give as good as you get ,you dont have time for words that mean nothing either so make it quick,make it sharp and learn to laugh at her,,you have put in your time and in your own home,,it is your right to speak up.some things she says will sound bad but to her they may just be what she thinks is the point of the whole conversation,,short and sweet,dont worry,,you will get your turn to be an old bugger too,,more or less guaranteed.
2006-12-28 05:15:06 · answer #8 · answered by lex 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My Mom in law is 85 years old and she stayed with me for the last 8 years before she died and she was the meanest person I have to deal with. She was even an alcoholic But because of my love for my husband I have to bear up with her all those years. As children It is our obligation to take care of our parents. By setting an example to our children maybe someday they will also take care of us than being send away to a nursing home.My husband even offered me money to take care of her but I rejected it and I told him there is no difference and that she is just an extra plate in the house.
2006-12-28 05:16:06 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is a good idea to have your husband present whenever you address her. I would sit them both down and get to the bottom of her hostility towards you. Good luck.
2006-12-28 05:03:54 · answer #10 · answered by Jewells 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be honest with her and your husband needs to back you up on this. The old saying....A man shall cling to his wife (not his mother)
2006-12-28 05:00:54 · answer #11 · answered by MusicWoman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋