My catholic boyfriend of 4 years decides NOW that he wants to be celibate?

Question

My boyfriend recently went to confessional about a week ago, and NOW after 4 years of us being sexually involved, he is deciding that he wants to become celibate. He wants to be a "a good and moral person" and has decided that this is the way to get into heaven. He can't understand for the life of him WHY it is such a big deal to me. He insists that he still wants me just as much, etc etc (and for the record I'm decent looking enough). My question is -- do any of you think this is f***ing batshit insane as well? I'm so angry I dont know what to do...I want to marry this guy, but he's saying we can't get married until his finances are in order-- ITS BEEN 4 YEARS....advice people? Please be serious and not so snarky, it's tearing me up. (also, I'm not religious, but he is and I respect his beliefs, but will he necessarily rot in the bowels of hell if we continue to have sex in our monogamous relationship?)

Answer 1

Maybe something ELSE happened in that confessional....
Maybe it's not that he wants to be celibate, but rather...

lol, nah just kiddin. but who knows?

girl, if he's still straight he won't last. if he does, drop him and find a new boyfriend.

Seriously, if he is religious and YOU AREN'T - it can NEVER work in the end. Beliefs are stronger than BLOOD even, and you are already seeing an example of how intense things can become between you because of those beliefs.

It may hurt, but you MUST save yourself the heartache and see this as your chance to avoid a lifetime of enduring senseless suffering.

He is Catholic, and Catholicism is ALL about depriving yourself of good, wholesome things for no apparant reason. You said yourself that YOU are not religious. While you respect his beliefs, you also should not subject YOURSELF to depriving yourself along with him. Because THAT is what marraige is all about. Two become one, and you will endure what he endures. If you are to marry him, you may as well join his religion, because you will be living it regardless.

Answer 2

I don't usually stray into this category any more , (due to many violations from readers) however this question caught my eye because of the religious bit.
I feel there are two possible answers here, yes it is true that his priest could well have pointed out the errors of his ways etc etc. it could be as simple as that, but why has he waited so long to confess?? The other religious aspect o your question that grabbed my attention was the fact you say you are not religious your self but you respect his beliefs, do you know what his beliefs are???
Sex (even within marriage) with very few exceptions is for procreation only, its not some thing you do for fun, or because there isn't much on the TV. You have sex to make kids. So you can either go along with the notion that he has suddenly become a nutter or look at the other alternative, which you may not like a lot!
He is looking for a way out this relationship, I have no axe to grind, I dont really know either of you , but if you want to clear the air just ask him a few questions about his new found faith, (sex and procreation would be a good start), I feel you really ought to get some more details on your 'respect' for his beliefs!
But to continue with my second option, you dont seem to me to be a 'shy' person by the way you constucted your question, you possibly have your little fits of anger, as we all do, think it over, does he maybe just want out, with a good excuse, and what could be better than religion as an excuse, getting his finances together doesnt really do the job for me, have you asked for a big fancy wedding?
I favour my second option more, sorry if its not one you agree with, but at least check it out,but look into his religion a lot more and make sure you do actually 'respect' his beliefs.

Answer 3

most catholics i know are hypocrits. the fact that he was sexually active with you for 4 years, and now wants to change, well, it's kinda tough. his virginity is gone. it's not like he can have it back.

my question would be.. is he really serious about this decision as being based on religious beliefs? or is this an excuse to not sleep with you and/or an excuse to try to back out of the relationship?

if he really does love you and really wants to marry you, and really wants to wait for marriage from now on, then i think you gotta take his word on all of this.

i can only imagine how it would suck to have to give up sex after 4 years of having it.

try to find out how far he is willing to go? is all sexual activity off limits now? or just intercourse? if he is still willing to do oral, and other playful things, then i suppose you could survive, couldn't you?

i can totally relate to not wanting to go all the way until i am married, and i am proud to say i am still a virgin, but heck, that doesn't mean i am 100% pure. i have done some sexual things, and i am totally open to doing them again, with the right person, before marriage.

but gee, he has certainly put you in a very difficult situation. guess you need to decide exactly how important this relationship is to you, also how important sex is to you, and whether or not you are willing to wait for marriage.. this question obviously will be influenced based on the probability that marriage will actually happen, and when..

hope it works out for you..

Answer 4

How can you say that you respect his beliefs, while at the same time calling his wish to be celibate "f***ing batshit insane"?

It's obvious, from your "insane" comment, that you don't respect his beliefs at all. Stop pretending that you do. You clearly don't.

I'd say your boyfriend is being smart by not wanting to get married until he's on more stable financial footing. Yes, it's been four years -- but if you truly loved him, you wouldn't mind waiting a bit longer. What's the big rush?

Your boyfriend is trying to become a better Catholic. You say you respect that -- but you have a very strange way of showing it!

Calling his attempts to be a better Catholic "batshit insane" is NO way to show him support or respect. How can you say with a straight face that you respect his beliefs, while you trash them with "batshit" comments at the same time?

Your boyfriend is doing fine. I think it's you who needs the attitude transplant. No offense.

.

Answer 5

At several points during one of my relationships I felt guilty about fornication and wanted to stop sleeping with my boyfriend. It worked for awhile, but the sexual tension built up so much that I inevitably failed in the attempt. I felt relieved by the sex, but it made me feel awful about my own willpower. I can understand a bit about where he's coming from.

That said, I would be patient with him. More than likely, this is something that he won't really be able to keep up. Trying to seduce him back to you will make him angry and probably persuade him that you don't respect or support his religious choices.

Let him know that if this is something important to him, you respect it. Talk about both of your needs and how his decisions will affect you now and when you are married. Be open and honest, and try to be respectful. You love him, right?

Also let him know that waiting for finances to be in order is pretty much impossible unless you're already rich. If he needs time, then ask him to give you a timetable to see if it works for BOTH of you. If he needs guidance, perhaps financial counseling would be a viable option for you. Planning a wedding and starting married life with nothing betwen the two of you would be pretty difficult.

Answer 6

In a relationship you get the whole person, the good and the bad. The question you need to be asking yourself if the good is worth sticking around through the bad. Also, it's time to get him off his butt. It doesn't take 4 years to get one's finances back in order unless he filed for bankruptcy. It's time for him to decide which is more important. Getting by with the bare minimum or getting his life in order so that you two can get married.

Answer 7

Ask him how he would live life if he realized heaven and hell don't exist. Those concepts are just something people invented. And why does he think sex is dirty? Ask yourself, is this someone I want to continue seeing? Is this a phase he is going through? Is he on a spiritual journey? Be patient. But you may want to move on and start being with folks who have a healthy attitude about themselves and sexuality. If the whole human race became celibate, we wouldn't exist anymore.

Answer 8

Woman, you are the devil in drag trying to seduce him with your wicked, wicked ways!

I'm SORRY!

If his beliefs are so strong that his intent is real, then you've got two options.

1. Try and support him and take over responsibility for the marriage fund

2. Tell him you need the physical and if he's not prepared to get a marriage license (and the church do) sorted out STAT then he's history.

Personally speaking, if you really love the guy and his intentions are real both to his celibacy and toward you - then I'd go with option one.

Best wishes for you both

Answer 9

well if you really love him then you have to respect his wishes and beliefs. I admit it is a little weird that he made this decision now. I would put a time limit on him. Either we are married by this date or I am gone. Your finances won't be in order after you are married either. That is just an excuse. Sounds like he doesn't want to be married.

Answer 10

You are mighty upset as well as you should be. He has made his mind up about this so why fight it. If you dont like his beliefs I suggest you move on. Sounds to me like he is using this as a way of getting you to move on in your life without him. He is hiding behind the church to get rid of you. How long is it going to take him to get his money matters straight? That is one of his excuses now its his celibacy. Mark my word he isnt interested in getting married and if you break up I bet he wouldnt be celibant after you are outta the picture.