Why can my family not except me for being a lesbian?

Question

I came out to my family last year about me being a lesbian, as i thought that i should be honest with them as i love them very mcuh and did not want to lie to them. But now i wish that i had lied to them. I tried the whole dating guy thing, but did not get any pleasure from it. Yet when i am with women it makes me happy. I am 20 years old, so am an adult, and yet i do not think i have ever met anyone as homophobic as my family, they hardly talk to me, any pictures of women i have in my bedroom of women, of which are clothed, my mother rips them down. I am still the exact same person as i was before hand, yeah fair enough she might of wanted grandchildren, but i cannot have children anyway. It's so hard for me as i have just come out of a relationshipe and i would love to talk to my mum about it as i am hurting. Does anyone have any ideas on what i can do?
Thanks

Answer 1

I am really very sorry about how your family have reacted, but please be assured that you DID do the right thing. You have been honest with yourself, and with them. This may sound hard but if they cannot accept the real you, then it really is their problem.

I am not gay and not a parent, so of course I have no personal experience of your situation...all that I can suggest is that you keep on trying to talk to your Mum/family. Have you considered calling a gay & lesbian helpline about this? I am certain that this must be a very common problem when people come out to their family, and they may be able to offer you more specific advice.

Best of luck with everything - your family do love you but it seems they need some reassurance that you are still you (which of course you are).


xxx


PS - have just found this page which lists loads of helplines; hopefully you'll find some extra help here:

http://www.gaylifeuk.com/support/helplines.shtml

Answer 2

Don't give up firstly, yr Mum is probably disappointed only because of her own dreams that she had for you as a little girl. So you've got to give her time to get over it, try and help her, you've got to get into her head.
You know your mum, how would you feel if your little girl told you she was a lesbian. Be nice be patient .

She knows you're a lesbian now, it's just her accepting it, that's the problem. She will in time, she hasn't thrown you out or cut off the relationship between you.

You need to show her that you are the same person happier in fact. Assert yourself to her - She shouldn't be ripping down your photos. Tell her it could be worse you're not a heroin addict etc.... Tell her it wasn't easy which I'm sure it wasn't to come out. Make her understand that you love and respect her, and you thought that you were BOTH mature, and close enough to deal with your coming out.
Tell her you miss her, Yr Mum needs to understand that life is short. Some parents wish their kids could be as honest as you have. For some people communication is over missing people and suicides!!
Make her see that. Stay Strong

Good luck

Answer 3

Move out.

Then, do whatever is necessary to maintain communication with your family. Live your life as though this weren't a topic of controversy. What I am saying is do as little as possible to propegate their animosity. I mean, pictures of women on your walls? Even teenagers take them down around 16 or 17, and trade them in for subtler mementos. Date, explore, live your life and let your family see how happy you are because, after all, that you may be ruining your life is what they fear most. Show them their fears are not substantiated. Homophobic family? No such thing, there are only families who don't care, do care and then there are those who overcare. I think your fam fits in the last category.

Move out. I don't know what your school, job, money situation is but you have already chosen a semi rough path so adding on the burden of supporting yourself should seem a breeze.

Answer 4

First of all congratulations on being so open and honest with your family, it really must have been difficult.

Unfortunately in this society there are still those who find it difficult to accept things and I am sure it must have taken you a while yourself to fully understand and accept that you are gay. Don't forget you probably realised this gradually over months and had time to come to terms with it before you were ready to admit it to others.

Likewise, not only have your family to come to terms with the fact their little girl is no longer either a little or the girl they thought they knew so well, but they now have to reveal this to their friends, colleagues and neighbours - not a big deal to a lot of us, but to some it is a massive thing.

Just go on being you, try not to aggrevate the situation by putting posters of women up as you know this upsets your mum and she will see this as a deliberate action on your part - ask her to go out shopping with you, take her out for coffee, ask her advice on things - clothes, music, presnts to buy - anything to make her realise you haven't changed in yourself, you are still you.

Don't be angry with her, unfortunately she is hurting and perhaps not knowing how to cope with the situation. In her ignorance she will feel she has to act/behave differently, she doesnt yet realise that when you have children thed love you give them is unconditional.

Good luck

Answer 5

i am sorry to hear about the behaviour ur family has on u but give them some time ...i think they are now very confused and dont know what to do ... maybe ur mum thinks that she can change u if she is acting like she does . she cant accept the fact right now and its coming a bit tough out of her
try to find a good moment and talk with her about ur feelings and that u are hurt too from the way she acts
i am sure u will find the middle road with time

best luck

Answer 6

The only idea that I have for you at this time is that you need to sit down and have a personal conversation with your family. Ask them do they love you and would they love you if you weren't a lesbian, ask them what they have against your lifestyle. As they're answering you listen to their responses carefully and try to understand where their coming from as you would want them to understand you. Have a discussion with them clearly stating to your parents that you're still their little girl, to your siblings (if you have any) that you're still their sister, and that your sexual orientation is just a small part of who you are. Explain anything else they may need them to know and have them express their feelings so you can understand them, too.

Answer 7

When I first came out to my mom about being bisexual she freaked, called me all kinds of names, and was very hurt. Yet I think she reacted that way because she didn't understand it.
She was in denial for a while saying oh it's just a phase but, no it's not. Sorry. I explained everything to her to my first kiss, my first girlfriend and she was shocked because she didn't know.
She thought she done something wrong raising me. LOL Yeah right...I know I was born to live women and men. It's just me. I moved out when I was 23 and nothing has changed. =) My mom and I are close and she alwasy asks...so who's new in you're life? Instead of asking so what guy are you seeing now? LOL
It takes time for them to get use to you...for it to get more real...once they see you with a girl ...then it will really hit them.

Answer 8

BE patient, They are of a different generation. I'm sure they love you even though they don't understand.Don't be in your face about it. Give them time, Show them that you are still the girl they raised and that you are hurting so much at their lack of understanding- that this not a choice but it is the way you must be.We humans are all different We are all God's children. Not all flowers are blue- not all birds are red. Why would he make all people the same? Bless you and be happy !!!

Answer 9

Be real with yourself when you can't be real with no one else. You can talk to me! I am a great listener. I want pass judgment and I will be open and honest with you. No I am not a lesbian but, I have a friend that I love very much and she is one. You are the same person just crossed up!(smile) I know that it seems hard but they will come around. They have to let it all sink in first.

Answer 10

Maybe your mum thinks you are just going through a phase and is trying to snap you out of it. Have you tried to sit her down and explain any of this to her? Maybe she needs help to understand. This might be why she is so against your sexuality because she doesn't understand and she probably fears the unknown. Let her know that fear only makes the problem look worse.
Some people have an idea of 'normal' and maybe you threaten their little closed minded, bubbled, 'perfect' world.
Good Luck and if they want to change you, they are not worth giving a second-thought about.