Husband gets call from ex wife. WE have the children and he is sending her money. She called to talk to the kids, then didn't want to talk to them. She calls his cell phone and wants to know when he is sending the money???? I didn't know about her wanting money...or perhaps I did because she always wants money. She never did call the kids. My question is, why would a married man, (to me) who raises his kids (with me) send money to his ex, who has absolutely no responsibilities and NEVER helps with the kids? Is he that stupid? Or am I?
2006-12-28 04:32:56 · 29 answers · asked by LaRae 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Not a unique case, Dear, I am guessing you are young and not married very long. The clue is "You" have the kids. "Mom" must have problems. Most men, and I stress "MEN", that have had "kids"-plural- and then wound up with them, started over with someone willing to take on that shared responsibility, off times feel obligated to still help the "X", when practical. Not that there is ever a wish or even a chance in their getting back together again, but she is still the kids mom and there is a lingering desire to help her get a life. Been there - done that. Know several other men in the same boat. Not to worry, you have your place in the game of life. And NO, you are not stupid. Hang in there.
2006-12-28 04:52:50 · answer #1 · answered by Dusty 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just because they're divorced doesn't mean that there's no emotional attachment--And I don't mean that he's still in love with her.
She's obviously a person with a lot of problems (Sounds like drugs or alcohol), who cannot cope with life. And, mistakenly, he's sending her money out of compassion.
The answer here is to have a heart-to-heart with your husband, without accusations or judgment. Simply tell him that you two are the ones who are taking care of the kids because his ex doesn't have the ability to do so. Further, you need to tell him that, whatever problems she has in life, he's actually making matters worse by sending her money. He's enabling whatever terrible choices she's making. Finally, by sending her money, your husband is sending a very ambivalent message to you about his motivations.
Oh, and one other thing. Even if she's seemingly uninterested in her children, they remain her children. That means this woman will remain a presence in your life as long as you and your husband are married. So the last thing you want to do is be the heavy. Because it puts your husband and your children in the middle, and it will make every holiday, graduation, and family wedding very uncomfortable for everybody from now until Doomsday.
So have an honest, unemotional discussion with him and listen very carefully to his answers. I bet he's really trying to do the right thing, but perhaps doesn't fully appreciate your point of view on things.
2006-12-28 12:55:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is just giving her the money so that she will leave the kids alone. I don't think that he should give her the money but there has to be a reason. In the end he is showing his kids what kindness is. Have you ever asked him why? I know that it is hard but maybe it is the money that is keeping her from causing waves. At least the children have a father that stands by them and a woman that stands next to their father. You guys are showing them what a family is.
2006-12-28 12:40:57 · answer #3 · answered by sscott12414 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think he still cares for her, but that does not mean he wants her. He just cares as a friend and some men just cannot say no. Tell him that from now on you will handle all the money issues and you both have to approve before an amount above $100 is used( there must be a reasonable explanation for the money), this way you can always say no. Tell him she is a grown woman and has to take care of herself.
BUT ONE IMPORTANT thing does he have to pay her spousal support, maybe he owes her.
2006-12-28 15:57:14 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The obvious answers are either court ordered child support or alimony.
If during their divorce she was awarded custody there would of been child support papers filed. Regardless of where the kids actually live, as far as the courts know, they live with her. You would have to go back to court to get that taken care of.
If that isn't the case and you didnt know he was giving her money till now, then I would be a little suspicious of whats going on.
There can be so many different reasons why he would be giving her money, none of them good, but not all of them bad either.
Best to just ask him about it and see how defensive he gets. If he gets defensive or nervous then something bad is definately going on.
2006-12-28 12:44:43 · answer #5 · answered by secksncigs 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is traditionnaly admitted that if a woman has children then her professional career is different from the one she would have if she hadn't had children. So the father of the children - your husband in that case - is co-responsible for his ex-wife not earning as much money as she would have if she hadn't met him. I think this is normal that your husband gives her money. Even if her behaviour is puzzling... Just make sure she's not trying to take too much advantage of your husband sens of guilt or duty. You should discuss that you and him and set up a limit to the amount of money he gives her.
2006-12-28 12:44:31 · answer #6 · answered by Loussaille 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is he obligated to pay any form of spousal support? Or more likely, is she making him feel guilty for something and reaping the benefits? And as a side benefit, I'm sure she realizes this may drive a wedge between you two, which may be the biggest motivator of all.
What kind of mother doesn't want to talk to her kids? She doesn't sound like a very good person.
2006-12-28 12:36:34 · answer #7 · answered by Kiss My Shaz 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
For 1, She should be calling your husband, the kids... yes.
2, he should not be giving her money (unless it is for alimony) if you guys have the kids. Go back to court and get that stopped. My husbands ex wife calls him on his cell phone and at work. She thinks she is getting away with something but he tells me when she calls or emails him at work. It's always for stupid things. I understand when she calls for something pertaining to the kids, but just to talk, she can call the house. He is to busy at work to talk to her. But I leave it up to him to say something to her. I have my own life to deal with than to be dealing with her. Go about your everyday stuff and don't let her bother you. let your husband deal with her and if he can't say something to her then it is his problem. But I would highly suggest stopping payment to her.
2006-12-28 12:57:38 · answer #8 · answered by Karen A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you are in California it's called spousal support and usually the "ex" husband gets everything that falls off the truck as she drives away. Child support, spousal support, attorney fees and NO tax relief! Thats why!
2006-12-28 12:36:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless the courts told him to give her money, he's nuts. Does he feel bad about something?? He should be careful, she might just be using the money for drugs..... I know someone this happend to but he wised up after he remarried and stop sending money to her.
2006-12-28 12:37:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋