Should I tell him or not?

Question

I value the intelligence of my fellow P&S people so I'm asking this question in here, too!

My mother is very ill and in the hospital a few hours away. My dad drives down there and spends a few nights with her then drives home. They're both retired and on a fixed income. I have two older sisters and one of them is beginning to really bother me with some of the stuff she's saying. Myself and the other sister have been giving our Dad money here and there so he can afford gas and food while he's staying at the hospital with Mom. It doesn't bother us, because our mother is very confused and only recognizes Dad and we feel he needs to be there. We also take care of his laundry and stuff while he's gone. The third sister that has not been helping is telling us Dad is gambling all his money away. We both know that's not the case. She wants to get a lawyer and have dad labeled incompentent and handle his money. I don't want a fight with my siblings, but I don't want this to happen to our Dad

He did used to have a gambling problem which is why she believes he is gambling. BUT, the frequency and amount of money that my other sister and I are giving him is not anywhere near enough for him to be gambling it away. I have tried giving him more money actually because I am worried he doesn't have enough but he won't take more than small amounts at a time. Also, he has been keeping up with bills at home which is taking both his and mom's retirement checks, so he isn't gambling that money either.

Answer 1

If you know she's wrong, you have to do something.

Answer 2

First, I'd like to say you are a great daughter and I'm sorry about your Mom. Yes, I do think you need to tell your Dad...could you imagine if she hired a lawyer and he had nooo clue ? Look at where she's coming from though and why she's concerned(I do think she's being extreme)..it's easy for people to turn back to addictions in times of stress and she's probably just afraid this will happen...but if you know all their bills are taken care of, then I just dont understand where she's coming from...it could just be her guilt talking since she's not doing a damn thing to help your parents....but, yes, I'd definitely say something to him along the lines of"Sis is concerned that you may take up gambling again to deal with your stress and pain..and she's so concerned that she's thinking about hiring a lawyer...how do you think we should handle this?"

Answer 3

It seems like there's always at least one in the family who has to cause an uproar, and your 3rd sister is it. If she should go ahead with plans on hiring an attorney, you and your other sister are there to fight it. I don't know if I would fill Dad in on this just yet. He has so much on his mind right now, why add another piece of misery? You and your sister should call a meeting with the 3rd sister and tell her what you told us. Household bills are being paid, and the amount of $ he is given is too minimal to put forth on gambling. It is extremely difficult to have one labelled as incompetent, especially if he is driving back & forth to see his sick wife, and being responsible in maintaining his household. Your sister doesn't stand a chance with her claim anyway. But good luck to you>

Answer 4

Even if he was doing anything untoward with the money - you are still trying to take care of your parents and show them that you love them which is more than can be said for your 3rd sister.

I have a sister who is exactly the same - it makes life very difficult for everyone. Especially when you are going through a difficult patch already.

I would just carry on doing what you are doing and have a harsh word with the one who is discouraging you from doing what you feel is necessary. As you say, as long as the bills are being paid and your mum and dad are being cared for as best they are able, thats all you can ask.

All the best x

Answer 5

OK, so you don't want to fight with your sister, but you need to defend your dad if you think her attack is unwarranted. Your dad has enough stress, he doesn't need this also. If you just allow your sister to steamroll the rest of you, you risk having your father be incapacitated by a heart attack or other illness. Then who would take care of your mother?! Realize that your father is responsible for two people and an attack on him is an attack on both. You need to protect and support him, like you have been doing.

I take care of my grandmother. It's a tremendous burden. I get constant criticism from my sister, but no offer of help. I think that I get to ignore her criticism unless she pitches in. Until she does her opinion means nothing to me.

If your sister gets a lawyer, you can testify on your father's behalf. You'll sour relations with your sister, but you just might save your father's life this way. Being under that much stress really could kill him.

Answer 6

If you know in your heart that he isnt gambling then you should tell him. It isnt going to be easy and it might cause a rift but think about what might happen if you guys try to get him labeled incompetent? Pick the lesser of the two evils

Answer 7

tell him. And seriously, even if he is gambling a small amount of money, who cares if he can have a little happiness from it in this trying time and he's still going to see mom?

Answer 8

Your sister can jump high and low - if equally close family members like yourself oppose her in court she won't get anywhere with it. Tell her you will fight her, she'll realise she hasn't a chance - and your dad doesn't need to know unless she's daft enough to follow it through.

Answer 9

I just went through a similar experience, except he's a stepbrother, tell your father about it and ask the sister exactly what her intentions are. In my case it boiled down to GREED, my stepbrother wanted to clean us out and thought everything was his, said we owed him. We finally convinced him that we raised him from a child, put him thru school, including college, gave him money to open a business. He finally agreed that was in his best interest to forget about it...

Answer 10

you need to tell him..he needs to know, you dad sounds like a good man to take care of your mom..help him all you can while you can. you and your sister won't be the one to feel bad when your parents are gone...

Answer 11

Sounds like you're a good daughter. I think it's sad when people don't help out their parents who get older. They supported us for 18 years (some people longer).
He deserves all the help you can give him.