I am painfully shy. I find it hard to have conversations even on the phone. What to do?

Question

I am so shy that I even sometimes avoid entering a store if there are no other customers because I don't want to be the focal point of the sales persons. I avoid as much direct personal contact as possible. This is harming my professional career. I like to write as this does not need face-to-face communication. How do I overcome my shyness? There is, by the way, no reason for me to lack confidence as I am confident about by own abilities. Yet I still have this fear of being belittled or laughed at, or simply looked down upon.

Answer 1

Ayeshakabir,

I have experienced this too. I am a very shy person (I used to hide behind the washer when strangers came to the house, when I was a little boy); and I would often be anxious enough to go off and cry if I was forced to go somewhere where everyone was a stranger. (Often I would even avoid attending the event if I could at all justify not showing up.)

I do the same thing you do with the store clerks. I will avoid going into a store if no one else is there, just to avoid having to deal with small talk -- which leaves me very anxious. I often avoid eye contact with people, just to avoid having to enter a conversation I don't know how to deal with.

And the funny thing is, it's all "small stuff" like that which leaves me feeling so anxious; and in general, I have confidence in my abilities and intelligence. (Sometimes it's easier for me to relate to people by using my abilities -- music, discussing ideas, etc. -- because then I don't have to try and converse and feel like a fool.)

In any case, I deeply sympathize with you.

How to get over it? There are no easy ways but here are some ideas:

- One way is simply by using your head to tell yourself, realistically, there is nothing to fear and that, no matter what happens or how embarrassed you feel, nothing "bad" is really happening to you -- you will survive in good shape. (This style of thinking -- where you can review your behavior and use your smarts to tell yourself the "truth" even when your system is going haywire -- is what happens during cognitive behavioral therapy.)

- Experience. You simply have to pick and choose small instances where you have the opportunity to make small talk and deal with people, without necessarily being the center of attention. The more you interact, the more you can prove to yourself that you ARE okay, that you can handle yourself competently, that you can make mistakes in the interaction, and that the world won't come to an end when you fumble around or take a misstep. Experience also helps you develop the social skills you need in order to BE truly competent.

- Don't put yourself down for not being able to deal. Stretch yourself, but accept that this is a problem for you, and it's okay even though obviously it has impacted you negatively professionally.

- Similarly, don't compare yourself to others. Don't expect a ton out of your interaction with others. This is just every-day small-talk and people don't expect it to be some wonderfully deep, perfectly smooth interaction. Don't judge your own efforts to interact as poor just because someone else is polished and seems to be very confident. Likewise, don't feel "forced" to talk to the store clerk just because they're there or they talk to you first. Participate as much as you can, and don't expect more out of yourself.

- If you can have a "plan" or "agenda" for the conversation, then have one. Before you talk to someone, know why you're talking to them and what you need; and when you're done, say goodbye or thank you and feel free to leave. When you go into the store, be prepared to say, "I'm just browsing" (if you are) or learn to ask for what you are looking for if they ask you what you need.

- People actually do not critique you as much as YOU are probably critiquing you. In fact, they probably don't even notice much of what you say or do. You just feel naked and exposed, but you're not... and you can stumble around or say something off-the-mark and not be judged incompetent because of it. yes, some people are critical; but you can't change them, and their opinions do not matter. It was a Big Day for me when I realized most people weren't judging me during our interaction... although I was judging myself harshly.

Basically, the problem exists within you in the sense that you are perceiving things in the environment as threats and then allowing them to impact your sense of self-value. You need to realign your thinking so that you do this less.

Some psychs will diagnose you as being Avoidant or having Social Anxiety Disorder and might prescribe you meds. Depending on your specific case, meds might help settle you down, but they won't fix all your problems: You still need to enter those awkward situations and learn the skills you need to feel more confident.

These ideas helped me both in "normal life" as well as at my job. Again, having an agenda (especially at work) really helped, and having the ability to say, "I don't know the answer / I need to get back to you" when surprised by a question helps too. And occassionally permitting yourself to go out with your coworker clan, even if you just sit quietly in the corner of the table and listen, will at least show that you are interested in the other people and make you more accessible to them.

Good luck, I hope this is helpful and that you are able to work on this. It's a painful place to be, and the anxiety never totally disappears, but it can be much better.

Answer 2

I am the same way though probably not as severe. I think since you are confident in your abilities, you need to accept being laughed at or belittled for a while and force yourself to do things which go against your shyness such as go into the store andengage the person in conversation. Practice is the best way to gain confidence even if it meand practicing something uncomfortable. What I hate is when people seem to know I am shy without even having said anything like it is written across my forehead. I have come to believe that most people are somewhat shy, some people are just less worried what others think.

Answer 3

It almost sounds like you have an anxiety problem. I have gone through the same thing, it really messed me up in college, where I wouldn't go into a class if I was a minute or two late, or sometimes even if I was early for fear of being looked at, laughed at, or thought of in some way. I feared contact with other people for fear of what they would say or think. You have to recognized the irrationality of your thought process and fears, thats what i have done and it helps a lot. It is hard and takes time, we all know we can't change who and how we are overnight. Remember most of the people you encounter are doing the same thing as you, just trying to work, shop, or learn, they really aren't thinking about you at all! Once you realize that you can take steps to make your self more comfortable and get more used to being in those situations. If you can't do it alone, get help...I know that is quite hard, I have done it...but it helps. I feel for you and hope you get better...

Answer 4

im so sorry i know that there is a disorder but i forgot the name...but i will try my best to help u...u arent the only person in this world who is dealing with problems like these. usually shyness comes from lack of self esteem. self esteem can be built by lets say doing things that make u happy, like u say u love writing, why dont u try getting people to read what u write like ur friends or some family members, im sure they all love what u write. also when u are meeting people just try and put urself there, i mean u really love to write and that is ur passion why dont u force urself and over come this fear, u cannot overcome something with out facing it first rite? so this is a trick i learned, when i am talking to soemone i dont like to look at them all i do is starre at the floor which to the other person may seem like im being rude but im really not its just how i am. so instead of having direct eye contact with the person, look at his/her nose or mouth it may seem that u are looking at their eyes but really not. after u overcome this fear u will slowly be able to be around people and personal contact. and try having more confidence in urself since u said that u are confident about ur own abilities there isnt any chance that u should doubt it. so be a little more confident tell urself i can do it. rite now ur the only person that can help u. i hope this helps...good luck

Answer 5

Practice talking on the mirror and don't worry, the world doesn't care about you. It is a mean saying, yet comforting. Gain some confidence, slowly, on day at a time. Say, "Good morning" (if it's morning or later) to the cashier at the store. Go all out and sing some karaoke at a bar or something. Read a Bible and you can get strong from that. Just get out there and the more you do, your shyness will begin to diminish. Good luck!
-Kiarra S.

Answer 6

I've had similar problems with shyness. What I did was decide that wanted to live my life how I wanted to live my life and not let shyness control me. It's taken years of constant effort. I still struggle with it sometimes, especially if I have to make phone calls. I just take a deep breath and remember all of the things I've done in the past that were hard; then I know just do it.

Be patient with yourself. You'll have good days and bad days.

But do look into the social anxiety disorder if you feel it's more severe. Medication and counseling help.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I am that way around BIG groups of people, but I am never scared to go into a store?? I aboselutly LOVE to write I'd rather write a leader than talk to some face to face.

Like if I was going to ask out a guy... Just for say... I would rather write a note than save my heart the agany of the diniale... if you know what I mean??

I think you need to get out more, hang with your friends, jone a club. Try and asoseate yourself with larger groups of people, see I'm in band so I'm around large groups of people all the time. I hope this hepls, and if you would ever like to talk: [e-mail]
T2UL
And Good Luck
Becky

Answer 8

What you describe MAY be a social anxiety disorder. Please note I said MAY as I am not a professional and cannot diagnose anyone. What I am is someone who struggles with similar problems.

When a problem, whether simple shyness or a diagnosable disorder, effects your life to this extent, you need to seek professional help. It can be addressed and there are things you can do that will help you function without these horrible feelings.

GOD BLESS YOU

Answer 9

♥ I know what you are going through. I am the same way and my friends hate it. I get embarressed easily because I can really never talk around certain people because I am that shy. Maybe you should talk in front of a mirror or talk to stuffed animals lol. Don't worry things will get better.

Answer 10

Honestly if you want to fix this you should see a Psychiatrist. You may be suffering from social anxiety disorder and a Psychiatrist can diagnose and prescribe medication that can alleviate your symptoms. It is a pretty common problem so don't be afraid to reach out for help.