Tell Dad or not??

Question

My mother is very ill and in the hospital a few hours away. My dad drives down there and spends a few nights with her then drives home. They're both retired and on a fixed income. I have two older sisters and one of them is beginning to really bother me with some of the stuff she's saying. Myself and the other sister have been giving our Dad money here and there so he can afford gas and food while he's staying at the hospital with Mom. It doesn't bother us, because our mother is very confused and only recognizes Dad and we feel he needs to be there. We also take care of his laundry and stuff while he's gone. The third sister that has not been helping is telling us Dad is gambling all his money away. We both know that's not the case. She wants to get a lawyer and have dad labeled incompentent and handle his money. I don't want a fight with my siblings, but I don't want this to happen to our Dad. Should I tell him what's going on? Or just refuse to get involved?

He's NOT gambling. There's no way he's gambling. He drives 2 hours then stays in a hospital where he has to purchase his meals. The money we give him is not huge amounts every week. We give him 100 here or 50 there. It's just enough to get him through. He doesn't have enough to gamble with.

He did used to have a gambling problem which is why she believes he is gambling. BUT, like I said- the frequency and amount of money that my other sister and I are giving him is not anywhere near enough for him to be gambling it away. I have tried giving him more money actually because I am worried he doesn't have enough but he won't take more than small amounts at a time. Also, he has been keeping up with bills at home which is taking both his and mom's retirement checks, so he isn't gambling that money either.

Answer 1

it's the cat's fault

Answer 2

I would leave your dad out of this for the time being, he sounds like he's got more than enough stress for the time being. )I'd also point out that due to all his stress and selfless actions with your mother, if he wants to spend 20$ at a casino on his way home to forget about things for a half hour, who is your sister to say he can't...I assume you don't attach conditions when you give him a bit of $$)

Most states will not just allow someone to be declared incompentent on the say so of one person, and moreover, you and your other siblings and your father would be advised and able to appeal any decision made. Further, in the event someone is deemed incompetent and they have not issued a Power of Attorney to anyone, a state official known as a public trustee will handle his affairs, not your sister.

If you are truly worried, why don't you speak to your father about him having a Power of Attorney drawn up in favor of you, one of the other helpful siblings, or all of you acting together. You can get what is called a "springing and enduring power of attorney" which basically means it comes into effect and continues in effect during any period of mental of physical incapability. He could name all siblings jointly to be the one to declare his incompentancy (to make sure no funny business happens).

Instead of bringing it up based on your sister's allegations, maybe just tell him in light of all the difficulties with your mother, it may be advisable for him to think about how his own care would be handled in the event something happens to him.

A simple Power of Attorney is not much if you find a fair lawyer and can save thousands in legal battles down the road. Most lawyers will often throw in a free health care directive when you are doing it, which will allow him to set out his medical wishes in the event of any misfortune.

Answer 3

This doesn't really answer your question, but I wanted to say that you can't get someone "labeled incompetent" just because they gamble their money away - assuming, in the worst case, that your sister is right. If he's able to drive several hours to the hospital, and knows to go see your mom because she is ill, he has some degree of competence. Maybe if you tell your sister this, she'll drop the matter.

Answer 4

Dad needs to know what is being said, especially if someone else is hiring a lawyer to have him adjudged incompetent. But you need to tell him in the context of your plan to help him. That is, you contact a lawyer first, explain the situation, and make an appointment to talk to the lawyer with Dad.

It should be a lawyer experienced in probate and estate planning, because this declaration of incompetence is going to be critical in terms of Dad's freedom to execute a will, a living trust, or any other legal document. People need to know their wishes will be protected by law the older they get, and being declared incompetent before you have a chance to get it all written out properly is horrible.

I worked for a probate attorney for years, and actually witnessed the wills and trust documents of at least one client who subsequently died. In many cases, people are thought by some family members to be incompetent when they are merely slowed down. In others, a person may be limited in some ways, but not others. It all needs to be spelled out with a good lawyer at your father's side.

Good luck. Do NOT delay with this; it can matter a great deal to your mother's estate as well as your father's.

Answer 5

Does everyone have a sibling like that? You are in a tough situation, I would just tell the third sister that since she is not contributing in any manner what so ever, that she should butt out.

I would think that she would have to do a lot to get Dad labeled incompetent and it doesn't sound like he is, but I don't think he needs additional stress in his life and tell your sis this. Tell her is she tries it, you will fight her on it and she will lose.

Best of luck with Mom, it is a tough situation to be in.

Answer 6

i would talk to Dad, he has a right to know, and if by chance he is gambling, that will let him know you know, and most likely put a stop to it.
The other reason, if Sis is left alone, she will file the papers and have him declared incompetant and then you would all be in a mess. (I have seen it happen.)
Have Dad checked, then have Dad give Power of Attorney to someone he trusts, so if Sis tries anything, he has it covered already.

Answer 7

We only see what you write and not feel as you feel on this subject. However have your sisters and your go down there with your father and occasionally follow him with out his knowledge. This only to prove that is intentions are honorable, your father should understand if he finds out. There is much at stake if a lawyer gets involved on your sisters part, and could be trouble financially for everyone. This is a sticky situation and be sure to know your moves before you make it like chess. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

Well, that is enough to gamble, did he at one time have a gambling problem? If not why would someone think such a thing?
I say tell your dad, he has a right to know someone is plotting against him.
Tell your sister to mind her own business, if she has any!
Sorry about your mother being ill, and prayers to your family.

Answer 9

The three of your (siblings) need to sit down with one another and lay it out on the table. The third sister wants to be incharge of the cash but, has not contributed to helping your Father with any extra funds for him to be with his soul mate in her time of need. My Mother went through the same thing when my Grandmother had a brain tumor and eventually passed... the other siblings were starting to battle with my parents over my grandmother's estate... and accusing my Mom of trying to "swindle" them out of something. My Mom and dad brought my Grandmother into our home and took care of her in her final days on earth.... My parents weren't into taking anything or trying to control her money... they allowed her to handle what Grandma wanted but, assisted her with ensuring the medical bills rolling in were paid... and her home was listed for the market. My Grandma's death also ended a relationship between the siblings.... my advice- Do not break your dad's heart while he is already worried about his love. Try to remain calm with the 3rd sister and ensure you have an organized list... of finances and the other stuff in their lives... allow each sibling responsibility with a section of the items... continue to have weekly meetings (just like a project at work) to see where you are at with finances... keep everything open... do not try to "hide" because you will find yourself screwed from this sister who is shallow and self absorbed.

Answer 10

I agree that you should do what someone else suggested and call a family meeting and discuss your family plan to deal with this difficult situation. I would also add though, that you need to be careful in how you approach botht the difficult sister and your dad about it. You dont want your sister to feel ganged up on it coulld hurt your relationship with her in the long run. Also you dont want to damage your fathers relationship with her, and effectively turn him against her. I would approach it in general terms...whats the best way to handle your financial situation dad, we want to find the best way to help you and mom, lets make a plan so that everybody knows whats going on. Youre dad may find releif in formulating a plan, This gives your other sister a chance to voice her concerns and air her greivences without anyone feeling like they are under attack, plus it can help everyone reduce stress.

Answer 11

A very similar situation happened to my family. My father-in-law ended up paying the 'evil sister' a large chunk of money just to shut her up. He spent the rest of his days with my wife and I in our house as our very welcome guest.
You are doing good in helping your dad out. I feel that you and your sister should confront the other with the facts of where the money is going.
Do not avoid involvement, your dad needs you, whether he knows it or not.