Should you stay married to someone who tells you they love someone else?

Question

i found out early december that my husband has been talking to his ex-fiancee/high school girlfriend for the past 2 1/2 months. that isn't the problem. she lives out of town and it was strictly a phone and online relationship until thanksgiving when when she was in our town.he left late one night and told me he was going for a walk and went to meet her. then one other night while she was here for the same holiday while i was getting the kids ready to go to dance class he was getting ready to go out with "matt" (who i later found out was her) and he didn't come home. that night i found out he slept with her. i can forgive the cheating...everyone ***** up. the lying...that will take time to get over. but he tells me that he loves her. he said he never stopped loving me but he also never stopped loving her and does not want to stop talking to her.. we have 3 kids 5, 3 and 22 months..i don't want to take them away from their dad. what do i do?

Answer 1

Let him be with the one he loves.

Answer 2

Hello,
Oh dear first thing is first if you haven't already discussed this with your husband I suggest you do now. If you have someone who can watch the kids maybe grandparents,sisters or some other family member.Call them up and ask if they will so you and your husband can have a dinner or something ( you don't want to alarm anyone about this as this is between you & your husband)

Let your husband know how this makes you feel and ask him what are his intentions, as you need to know where you stand in all this. Let him know that you forgive him for cheating and just as you stated here "everyone messes up sometime" but it's the lies you have a hard time dealing with.

Give him time to respond to you hun, don't interupt him allow him time. Sometimes we interupt people when they are talking and they completely shut down or we dont hear what they have said and that little information you miss due to talking while the other person is talking could be a cruical key element.

I understand that you are thinking about the children however in the long run if your husband plans and his intentions are to keep this behavior up then it's not good for the children. And I believe you know that deep in your heart.

The effects of something like this will and can only lead to arguments sooner or later between you and your husband around the children. This will totally devastate the kids and I can tell you don't want that.

It's cut and dry your husband needs to make his mind up and let you know. If he doesn't love you anymore then he needs to be honest. But you also need to be honest with yourself in this matter. If you can deal with this and continue to watch him leave saying he's going out with "matt" knowing hes going to romp in the sack with the other lady, then by all means do so. I sense that you don't want that.

I suggest that you discuss this with your husband right away.Meanwhile be prepared for the worst but hope for the best.I suggest that you not stay in this marriage for the children that is the wrost mistake a person can make as if always end up hurting the children.

Ma'am your children that are 5 & even the 3 yr. old know more than you think. The actions, behavoir of mommy and daddy they do pay attention to. That's another mistake we as parents make we don't give our children enough credit they are smart and pick up on a lot of things that we think they don't. So your not doing them any favors.

If your husband is going to keep on this path, then seek yourself an attorney, know your rights and procede on with legal separation and if time doesn't heal this then the next step is divoice. His love is with another woman ma'am.

I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this especially during the holidays and with the new year coming. But what better time than to take a look at the whole picture than now.

Best of luck to you and your family. I hope that your husband rethinks this little so called puppy love he has with this other woman hes got to realize it not love he feels for this woman but probadly lust and trying to recapture the high school days he needs to grow up be a man , husband and father to his children.

Answer 3

I think you should think this again ...Why do you want to continue with someone that is not respecting you any more?? If he doesn't love you anymore even though you have kids in common then why be with him?? You deserve more than that and so as your kids..He will be their father no matter what even if they don't live with mom and dad... Don't be scared to live him and start over again, he will need to help you financially and move on with your life, like I said there could be something better for you out there ... Because he will not stop talking to her or he will not leave her...They are both not respecting you and they will never do.. So I suggest to have the courage to leave him and star over with your kids that way you will feel better and will be happy too. But if you do please DO NOT date ANYONE just to have fun or so he can feel the same because you can loose your kids too.. Wait until a divorce in signed to start dating and as for him get child support as soon as you decide to move out.... GOOD LUCK and best wishes for you and your kids!!!

Answer 4

I had basically the same situation happen to me this time last year. Been married 10 years and found out my husband has been seeing this girl he has worked with for the past 2 years. Someone I had befriended and trusted to an extent. Told me he didn't want to get a divorce but basically wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Well This lasted all of about 2 weeks for me once I found out. I finally got the nerve to tell him to get out. We have 3 children together - 10, 9 and 4. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like my life was over. I do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Taking that first step is the hardest. You don't know how you are going to survive on your own taking care of kids but you know what? It all works out. You may not be able to have the nicer stuff you had before but you learn to live on your own two feet and take care of yourself. And then one day you will meet someone who is 200% better than what you stayed with for so long and everything just falls into place.
I feel your pain but it does get easier. You just have to be strong and take that first step. As long as he stays involved in their lives you won't be taking them from their dad.
Good Luck.

Answer 5

I am so sorry that you are in this position. What you feel is probably fear. Fear of breaking up a family and raising 3 little ones on your own. But, I'm sorry to say, it sounds as if you have no choice. You cannot stay with a man that doesn't love you. There really is no point to that. Don't be afraid to let him go. You need to put your children first and carry on without him. He will have to help financially and hopefully you have some nearby family that can help you with the children. If he changes his mind and wants to return to his family, then please get counseling first. Good luck. I stayed with a man for 12 years that I didn't love for the sake of our children. I have been divorced from him for 5 years and me and our children are so much happier.

Answer 6

Oh, honey. I really feel for you. You're in such a tough position. I know other people have told you to "fish or cut bait," but with three small children, it's not that easy. Financially or emotionally.

My bet is that he's infatuated with her-- and that it will end eventually. But, you don't want to put yourself in the position of waiting around like the "good little woman" for a man who's acting like a jerk.

Sad to say, if he tells you he does not want to stop seeing or talking to her, then he's 1. stupid beyond belief and 2. ultimately not the husband for you.

Do you have family support? I think you need to demand that he leave the house immediately. I would think once he's out on his own again, without his children, reality may start to sink in about what he's doing.

Please see a therapist, priest, counselor. And if possible, include him for couples therapy.

It's so scary. One day at a time, as they say.

Good luck to you and your babies.

Answer 7

If you can forgive him and still want to be with him but do so under the condition that he must make her go away for good. Basically you are making him choose between his family or the tramp. If he won't ditch her then ditch him AND DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK! That is utter betrayal. I hate men and I am so sorry this happened to you. The kids are worth fighting for though, just whatever you do, don't stay in a situation you know you won't be happy in...the kids will pick up on it and be unhappy to. Good luck!!

Answer 8

Well, you don't want to be second, if he continues this it will not make things at home any better, why is he with you if he don't love you?? He loves her, think of the kids when yo both fight over this and the kids hear it. It will only get worse, mentally for you and the kids,. He cant have both, don't let the kids keep you in a loveless, cheating, unfaithful marriage

Answer 9

Dear "confused". I am so sorry to hear about your problem. Trust me when I say that all men, esp. married men are like this. In fact, men become this after marriage. I went through a similar situation and it ended in divorce. Divorce is tough. Some days I miss him a lot. Some days I am so glad I don't live with the lying liar anymore. If you can live without him, I suggest divorcing. If you hate living with him, I suggest a divorce. If he leaves, anyway, have the courage to forgive him and find peace in your own heart. Best wishes.

Answer 10

He's feeling young again, remeniscing (sp?) about old times when he was in his late teens/early 20s. This would be acceptable IF HE WASN'T MARRIED!!!!! Tell him he needs to make a choice and make it now. It will be hard, but don't cry. Look him in the eye and tell him, "you need to decide what's most important to you, look at what you have and what you want, it's your choice and it needs to be made now". Then walk away. This will demand respect without all the emotion that makes men run for the hills. When a woman cries, a man shuts down and tries to get away from it. Looking him square in the eye without a tear will show him you mean business and it's his decision.

Answer 11

My question to you is, why would you want to stay? He lied to you, cheated on you, and then told you he loves someone else. Why stay? Many people split up and work out custody of the kids so they can have both parents in their lives. If you stay and are unhappy, what are you teaching your kids? He'll continue to lie and cheat and your kids will grow up thinking that's how men treat women and will continue the cycle. I think perhaps your self-esteem is not as high as it should be. You might want to consider consulting a therapist or someone at church or even a trusted friend to figure out why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. You deserve better.