why dont i love my husband the way i did before he had an affair?

Question

my husband admitted he had an affair and will try not to do it again but im too weak because i love my only 2 year old child that i cant leave him but allow him to build my trust again for him and it is 10months now and i still do not lovemy husband the way i loved him before he had an affair

Answer 1

Of course you don't. Love is built on trust, and it's hard to trust after he cheated. You need to get counseling by your self, and then with him. You may never get to the point you were at before, but this could possibly be healed, if you want it to. Don't stay in only for your child - your child will notice that his parents aren't like all the others, and fight more.

Answer 2

Obviously you need much more time to heal. Are you both in counseling? Even if he doesn't go you really should.

Were you able to vent your emotions properly regarding the affair? Were all of your questions answered regarding what happened and why? Or is there something in your heart telling you that you will never be able to trust him again because of his statement to you.

His statement as you phrased it was: "he will try not to do it again" If he said those exact words then no wonder you can't move on and go back to trusting again.

Who in their right mind would want to renew trust and connect emotionally with a spouse who says :they'll try not do it again" Wow!

Ok, so you definitely will need to reflect, self evaluate, and truly think about where to go from here. Don't be hasty and "throw the baby out with the bath water" (so the saying goes). Your husband had no excuse to have an affair however, whatever issues that may have been going on with him personally or as a result of other influences will need to be addressed, corrected and resolved. The affair is just the fruit (not the root) of the problem. Get to the root or the heart of the problem that assisted him in choosing to go down that path. It could be a host of things from past learned behavior, moral issues, ego stroking issues, feelings of inadequacy, etc.

Bottom line.... whatever the real issue is you probably won't be able to connect until this man becomes healthy and whole enough for you truly feel the trust is back. Until he's healed through counseling/therapy you're not going to want to bother investing your emotional well being back into the marriage.

Answer 3

You have the right to feel that way. He cheated on you. He violated your vows and your trust. I commend you for staying because that's a very hard thing to do. Let him know how you feel and see a marriage counselor. Spend more time with him and really focus on getting your love life back together. If he was honest enough to admit that he had an affair then he obviously wants to work things out. Ask him why he did it and try to work from there. Honest communication is the key. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

Well the only way things would get better is if you could turn back the clock. The fact of the matter is for whatever reason (If you believe in yourself you can raise your 2 year old on your own) you chose to stay with him, its your burden to carry for life, no advice take away the feeling of betrayal. Lets be realistic, time probably will heal the wound, but the scar will always remind you of the pain.

Now that he knows you will never leave him making your child the shield he will cheat on you again, just a matter of time. Good luck.

Answer 5

That's natural. I'm sure you felt he was one of few people in this world you could trust totally and completely, and he destroyed that. He said he would "try" not to cheat on you again, but try isn't good enough. No one forces him to have an affair, it's a choice he makes. I think the two of you should find a marriage counselor to help reestablish your marriage, especially for the sake of your child. Don't expect things to be as they were before you knew about the affair. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to pretend like nothing happened, but it doesn't mean making him pay for it for the rest of his life either.

Answer 6

You are never too weak to stand up for yourself. You have shown him that he can cheat on you and you will do absolutely nothing in your defense. You can love him, but do you have to be a doormat for him? You can't build the trust again after an affair, he has shared your intimacy with someone else, he has let someone else into your world. You can leave him and still survive!

Answer 7

im so sorry your hub did this to you !
if the marriage is worth saving then get counciling.
Counclers are people than can help both of you regain trust
and move past this !Remember to have confidence in your self,
make it known to him that even tho this is a difficult time your going thru,
you need time and that he would feel the same way if you had done it to him!
good luck --ill pray for you- especially because there no excuse for a affair!!!

there is also a great book out there call "his needs, her needs, building a affair proff
marraige"---this is a excellent book!

Answer 8

My husband cheated on me also. It's a trust thing. He says he will not "try" to do it again, but can you really believe him? I don't think so. I think once a cheater, always a cheater. I was very much in love with my ex, but recently have found out that he is not the man that I thought he was. He married the lady that he cheated on me with and turned around and cheated on her. Some men just can't commit to just one person.

You will always have a special place for your child's father, but it's best that you cut your loses and get on with your life.

Answer 9

He betrayed you and as long as your memory stays in tact, you will never love him the same way again. Some days will be better than others. Don't expect that love to come back, but if he does everything in his power to try to regain your trust, you will love him in a different way. You will always be somewhat suspicious, and you will need a lot of reassuring.

Answer 10

things have to happen before u can get past this, perhaps he hasn't allowed u to talk about it, and bring your concerns out in the open. u need to be able to talk about your hurts, he has to be willing to admit, and to show remorse for it, maybe he hasn't done this, perhaps he just expects u to get over it, trust issues take a long time, forgiveness comes in steps and things need to happen if your going to move past this. sometimes we never get over affairs, as our ego's get in the way, affairs aren't easy to get over, if at all. if he is saying he will try not to do it again, that is leaving u feeling that maybe it will happen again, so your not willing to trust it, and can't blame u for feeling this way. his response isn't guaranteeing u that he will stop, he is just saying that he will try. not good enough really.