Is this a steriotypical violent relationshipI am in???

Question

My partner of 5 years and I do not have children or live together. I am at uni fulltime studying. We started our relationship and it became serious quickly. He and I were 21 then. He had problems then with drinking, but I thought due to his age, most guys drank too much and said mean things.then these things happened over the next few years
He binge drank and disapeared for a day or two once a month
He left me on valentines day to go drinking with his brother at his house.
He through me out of the house when he was sober physically by picking me up and throwing me as I visited a friend he did not like.
He got drunk and in a bar threatened to cut my legs with it and told me to move as he would hurt me.
He secret drinks alcohol and changes personality even though he knows I hate him drinking.He went AA once
He sulks if I dont have sex as I am upset and walks out only to return and say sorry.
After each incident he is full of apologies and buys gifts. How do I end it quickly?

Answer 1

wow...why do you allow him to do this to you.....get away from him before he really makes good on a threat and hurts you or worse.....cut off all contact...get a restraining order....move if you have to ....stay safe and good luck

Answer 2

Well, you certainly need to end it. And you've taken the first step by writing here; yes, it is a pretty stereotyped relationship and No, it won't get better, however much he apologises.

I was going to suggest that you move out of town - to relatives preferably - but that's probably not possible because you're at university and need to be in that location. Presumably he does too.

So, you need to find a safe place to stay, preferably with other people and with a locked door. Then while he's away you pack up everything that belongs to you and you leave the premises to go to your new address. You arrange for your mail to be forwarded to you (I don't know where you live, but in some countries you can have this happen automatically, by the Post Office, and they mustn't disclose where they're sending the mail to). You leave a letter somewhere saying that it's over and he is not to contact you again and that if he does you will go to the police or your lawyer and have a restraining order put on him - the result of which will be to put him in breach of the law if he tries to see you. You set your new phone to bar calls from his number (he'll get a new number, dammit, but you can keep doing this).

And then you buy yourself a set of stick-on stars and award yourself one for every day after the day that you've left him on.

You do NOT have to put up with this and you can and should do it now.

Answer 3

You sound like a very smart lady! when you brek up with him don't use any questionable words such as " I think, maybe, I feel, We should" you words like " I am, I will, I am not, I will not" dont ask any question. Your words should be one long statement. Don't request, Dont coverse. You don't want to be challenged or have this turn around on you. It is not about work things out it is about what you are going to do. He will be able to smell doubt and fear and will probably play on your emotions at first and then once he realizes that is not working. he will probably start to get defensive that is when you need not to take things personal and leave. Don't raise your voice, don't shed a tear, be the strong woman you sound like. This relationship is unacceptable, You are not a possession, you deserve a level of respect that you are not getting from him. You are uncomfortable and don't need this type of distraction in your life. Life is way to short to be stuck somewhere that is draining you physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Don't give into that little man that says "he will change, you are hurting his feelings, give him another chance" That is misery talking to you and misery does not want to see you happy. You will feel a great weight lifted off of your shoulder. After that is done he will probably call you don't accept any of his phone calls and don't call him for all those little things your mind will create. "oh I forgot my hat over there, my sun glasses." Stay away for a long time. This is not the time to be this way. You have to stay strong even though it will be hard. It will be harder if you give into this situation again. You have a bright future ahead of you concentrate on that. Keep your self occupied with things you like to do, hang out with positive minded friends that are doing positive things. It will be very easy to get caught up in things that will bring you down (drugs,alcohol, sex) be mindful and positive it will make things easier. You have to Love your self first and always and if you stayed in that relationship then you eventually end up hating yourself and everyone else around you. Stay away ! even if he does get a hold of you and has all the answers, he is doing so much better and fixed all his problems can he just see you or talk to you again. "NO" Tell him you are uncomfortable and do not call you . It takes atleast a year to fully get over the situation. Don't go back! he won't change!

Answer 4

I am wondering - what on earth are you staying with him for?

after 5 years of your life being wasted on this lout - things aren't getting any better are they?

men like that tend to push people as far as they can and only 'come good' with the apologies and gifts when they know they are pushing you too far

if he really is sorry then he will get himself professional help (and going to AA ONCE doesn't really show that he takes this seriously) with his behaviour rather than dragging you through it time after time

based on life experience - he doesn't love you - just use you as a punchbag emotionally and physically - he has proven this. past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour and the only way this is going to stop is if you are going to decide that you are not going to put up with it anymore and leave him for good.

i think to get away from him you may need to move to a new area and start again - making sure he cant trace you and find you (that also means being sure your loved ones can also keep their mouths shut about where you are too)

and next time - dont leave it 5 years - leave the first time they do it and whatever you do DON'T TAKE THEM BACK however much they 'apologise'

Answer 5

Get a friend or family member to help and pack your stuff & go when he is at work or something. Don't leave a phone number with him. Tell your family that you will call them, don't give them your number for a while till the bf stops calling them (you know he will).
Do not contact him once you are out of the house! Make sure and spend some time afterwords to get your name off the bills, checking accounts that you have jointly signed up for.

Answer 6

You need to file police reports every time he hits you. This will come in handy WHEN you leave him. You cannot stay in this relationship. You are dealing with someone who doesn't not care enough about you to stay sober. He must be dealing with some issues in life that you cannot solve and being his punching bag will not help anything. Let your family members know what is going on and leave him alone. Stop answering his calls and change jobs if you can. He's going to be upset that you're leaving him, but he needs counseling. Please get out of that relationship before you lose your life. Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 7

First off, you need to stop bragging about all the things this man has done to you. I can't feel sorry for you because you keep taking it. He's not going to change. The only way he will stop drinking is if he wants to and it doesn't look like that's going to happen. You have no children or home together so there is nothing that binds you together. Just leave. Thank you.

Answer 8

count your blessing you dont live with or have children with this man because your choices are so much more harder to make when in this situation,,you are actually only slightly tied by association,,and apart from fear,nothing more,,there is no love,there is no respect and you are not a couple,,you are his stability when he needs to blow off some steam and it is unlikely to change unless he gets help but if he doesnt even take his problem seriously there is little chance of that help arriving.if you can,go to somewhere you consider safe and call him,,just tell him you want more than he can give you and that you know there is no chance of this relationship working,(and thats putting it nicely),,if he says sorry,,says he will change,,says he will make up for all the bad this is just panic talking,,things to say to win back what you are about to lose,,,you need to know these words are just words and he cannot hurt you while you are safe,,you have to be strong and tell yourself you are nobodys punchbag,you are nobodys doormat and you are worth more than him,,you will feel sad,you will feel torn,you will feel,'what now' but you will also feel so much better for standing up for yourself and you have to remember that from day one of you ending it with him it is the start of a life without all this negativity,,that your life can start moving upwards,,that your self respect will return with every passing day,,if you want out you have every right to say so,,he doesnt make you happy and you want to be happy,,what can he say really that he hasnt already.say what you have to say and thats it,,if you dont want to talk to him tell him to leave you alone,,if he calls,ignore the phone,,ihe comes round,,get someone else to answer the door,,if he causes trouble call the police,,he will eventually give up if there is no positive coming from harrassing you and he will move onto someone else who will replace your doormat status,,,,,,this is how he wants to have a relationship,,you dont,,you do not fit.

Answer 9

Yes, it's very hard to see the problems when you are in the middle of them. Don't leave this too long as you will lose your self confidence and respect and find it much harder to regain the longer you remain involved with this guy. Love yourself enough to walk away you are intruding in a love relationship, him and his alcohol. The pain will get worse as the years go by. Hope these links provides some help. BE STRONG AND GOOD LUCK>

http://groups.msn.com/WomenandAbuse/yourwebpage23.msnw
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/addictions/site/alcohol_substance_abuse.htm

Answer 10

You haven't mentioned your age, however, due to his violent behavior, I would end this relationship safely. Call him on the phone, do not do this in person, and tell him that the relationship is over. And, that you do not wish to see him again, ever, do not try to speak to you. Wish him good luck in his future endeavors. Now, go a way or disappear for a while. Do not contact him, because if you do , you will be sending him mixed messages.
Good Luck. I will pray for you.

Answer 11

Seek help, now.

Go to the magistrate and explain the situation to them and get a restraining order to keep this guy away from you. Also contact the police and explain the situation to them and ask them to do drive by's of where you live to keep an eye on you at night.

It does not should like you are in a safe situation at all and I am worried for you. You need to get out NOW, not tomorrow NOW.