I'm 36 weeks pregnant (4 left until due date) and I found out about 3 weeks ago that my partner and father of my child has been cheating on me with a female 'friend' for the past year. She had no idea I existed, I called her to ask her to butt out because I saw how often he called her on his phone bill and got suspicious. Then I found out the truth, and even that he had gotten her pregnant but encouraged her to have an abortion.
Since it all came out, my partner has completely changed. He seems desperate to sort things out with me. He dropped her as soon as I knew about it. His behaviour has changed totally, he is no longer secretive about his phone or where he has been. I want to forgive him because I love him, and also because I don't want to deny him access to our daughter when she arrives. But I frequently just break down and want to end it all. I would like some tips on how I can cope with this without throwing it in his face all the time, because that won't help. Any advice?
2006-12-28 01:48:46 · 50 answers · asked by Sophie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You don't have to cope - scream & cry & get it all out - you shouldn't keep it all in
Don't fall for his tricks
Damn right he now wants to sort things out with you - he knows he's messed up - but why didn't he come clean in the first place?
I'm not saying chuck him out, because your baby needs a Daddy after all, but don't let his guilt make you feel like you must forgive him. Concentrate on the baby til it's born - for your health & the baby's & worry about you & your partner's future afterwards
2006-12-28 01:52:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It all depends on how good you are with your jealousy feelings. If you deep down don't care about him putting it about some, as long as he keeps coming back, well, you are made for each other. There's no guarantee he will always come back, though, remember that.
Raising a child on your own must be scary. That's probably why you are willing to pretend he's a nice man and go on staying with him.
Don't kid yourself, though.
A person that cheats once will do it again. It's just that they like the buzz, and feeling naughty is half the excitement: that's how they are, you can't change that. Of course now he's been caught he acts guilty, like a "good boy" who won't do it again. But he will. Only next time he won't be leaving her number on his bill, but call her by other means. This at least will avoid you suffering.
On the other hand, consider that if you are pregnant and he's sleeping around, you and your child might be infected with sexually trasmitted diseases. You don't know who the other girl has been sleeping with, or how many others there have been that you have not found out about, and he might have contracted anything during sex, and passed it on to you two. You might want to have yourself tested.
You say he has "dropped" the other as soon as you found out. First, that sounds awful on the other woman, poor thing!
He is a really cruel man, a user of people. AND, how do you know he has dropped her? Because he says so? Because he makes more of an effort in finding excuses an lies?
One day he might find someone he likes better than you, and you will be the one to be "dropped". And your daughter will be suffering too.
Be prepared for this, if you choose to stay with him.
2006-12-28 02:07:45 · answer #2 · answered by rubbercod 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been cheated on by a boyfriend that I loved and I thought I was going to marry. Although that situation was not as severe as yours with being pregnant. Your boyfriend isn't the monogamous type. That's scary for 2 reasons. 1. How can he be a good husband for you if he doesn't really love or respect you? 2. He sleeps around. He may have gotten you pregnant, but he could have also given you an STD or even AIDS. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I'm playing second fiddle to some woman on the side, or if I may at some point be infected with an STD. Forget about him as a husband/partner. He's not material for that. As for letting him be a part of your baby's life, that's up to you. He may be a fair enough father, but not as mate for you. You must look at the 2 things separately. In this day and age, that's not uncommon, so don't feel so alone. You can raise this baby with the help of your friends and family and let the court decide on visitation for the father. You can still find Mr. Right one day even if it's not the father of your child. The baby right now is the most important thing. Enjoy being pregnant, take care of yourself and look forward to being a mother. After you've given birth and when you feel you're ready, get back out there and start dating again! You deserve it! You go girl!
2006-12-28 02:00:21 · answer #3 · answered by Rosepetal 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be honest with you, there are no tips as such for helping you to cope with this situation. Its something everyone handles differently and each situation is completely different. What you have been through is incredibly tough especially as you're pregnant - I can only imagine the heart break you must be feeling right now. Only you can figure out how to cope with this though. You've obviously made your decision to stay with this man (as hard as that might have been) so I'm not going to bore you with any of that "once a cheater always a cheater" rubbish and I really hope it works out for yours and your daughters sake. If its any help it seems that your partner has finally realised whats at stake and is doing the right thing by changing his behaviour - perhaps he wanted to end this affair long ago but didn't know how? The important thing to remember and the only thing that is going to get you through this is that its you he's with. Its you he wants to stay with and its your baby he wants to father. He will have to earn your trust back over time and the relationship will take time to heal. As long as you are both communicating and being totally honest then there's no reason why you can't be happy again together one day and why you can't get over his unfaithfulness.
2006-12-28 02:01:58 · answer #4 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow a bad time for you to go through an emotional roller coaster. Seems like you have married a K-Fed type, every woman he sleeps with ends up getting pregnant, jokes aside. I think for now you should focus on giving birth to your child, you want to make sure the life you are bringing into this world is safe and healthy. If you are a strong and independent woman and do have some friend and family support, leave your partner and take care of yourself and your baby. Right now since you found out he is frantic and is trying to be the nicest person. But the fact of life is that you will get more involved into taking care of your baby, because it needs you, this will give your partner an excuse to cheat on you again. So to avoid a second heart break, after the baby, plan on moving on with your life.
2006-12-28 02:01:42 · answer #5 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh baby - I really, really feel for you! From experience, my husband cheated on me three months after I had given birth. He too couldn't do enough for me when I found out but thats just because he was feeling guilty. For a while I made him grovel, the hurt I was feeling has now turned into anger and all the trust is gone - was it worth staying together ... NO but thats just my opinion. You don't have to deny him access to your baby, he has a moral and financial responsibility to the baby and for the baby's sake she does have the right to get to know her dad. He's not hiding anything now because he's been caught out but imagine another year down the line ... whenever he's five minutes late your mind will start working overtime and the arguements etc will not be beneficial to your little girl. You are feeling terribly let down and thats totally understandable, you will break down because your hormones are playing havoc right now but don't give up. You have got so much to look forward to and even more to live for - your little girl ... your baby will mean everything to you (with or without the sod). You also have the upper hand in that you don't have to make a decision now (about whether you want to stay with him or not) ... bide your time and in the end you will make the right decision for you and your little baby. Wishing you all the best xxx
2006-12-28 08:03:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's great that the father is making an effort to sort things out with you.
However, don't expect people to change. If someone has gotten the urge to cheat on you - even to the point of getting her pregnant - what is going to stop him from doing it again in the future, regardless of how sorry and apologetic he is for it this time?
The good thing is that he does seem to care about you - maybe because he wants to do the best thing for your daughter.
As tough as it may be, the best thing to do now is leave him. Stand up! Be careful in the future and don't let anyone cheat on you or disrespect you in any other way.
Since the father is behaving at the moment, it's up to you to determine if it's good for your daughter to have him in her life. It's probably fine to keep the daughter/father connection alive through visits / shared custody - just not your relationship with him.
2006-12-28 02:00:13 · answer #7 · answered by Jason 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Jesus this sounds like me 14 years ago when i was pregnant with my first son, he was working away from home and got some bint pregnant who later had an abortion, so i assume!
I had him him back, married him and had another child with him, but he never made me feel secure and happy i always had nagging doubt.
The thing is your vunerable, your pregnant, your hormones are all over the place and this is time when more than ever you need to be made to feel special, and this is going to be the most testing time for you with a new baby, being tired i think you now the drill hun, and first few months of a new born will test you enormously.
Forgive but you will never forget, i think you will need some help from an outside source, like relate. If there is hope to mend it and you are both mutual about going then do, sadly my ex never did, and he still makes my life a misery but thats not the case for all!! You need to draw a line under why he did it, what he thought was lacking and please please please do not ever think it's your fault or pushed him into it, it takes two you never told him to seek solice with another, and if she was completely oblivious, which i'm sorry how could she have been, did she never wonder where his home was or where he slept at night for over a year, i would take that comment with a pinch of salt!
Good luck with everything i will be thinking of you!!
2006-12-28 01:56:25 · answer #8 · answered by untanuta 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The question is would your boyfriend of continued to cheat on you if you hadn't found out? Maybe he realises that, not that he could lose you, but his daughter? Maybe that is his concern.
If you want to give your partner another chance, then you should both consider counselling. Your boyfriend needs to explain why/what made him cheat. And you need to express your anger, & work out how, or if, you can trust him again.
It is hard to put a relationship back together once the trust has been broken.
Whatever happens don't let your daughter get caught up in the crossfire, & live in an angry home.
2006-12-28 07:52:33 · answer #9 · answered by Kingbee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband cheated on me when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter and my son was 2. She is now 7 almost 8 he will be 10 in 3 days and it took alot on my part to learn to forgive him. The trust, is not 100% as it was before he did that, but I have regained the respect that I lost for him. It has been a hard road to walk down. and I am not going to sugar coat it and say it gets better because in the beginning there were times I asked myself why was I still with him. I bit my tongue on several occasions and still do to this day, because if I said what I wanted to say it would make things worse. He was trying to make things better. All I really need to tell you is if your going to stay you need to let it go. Don't forget, he had a relationship with someone else, but you will have to forgive him in order for you to be able to move on. I did and I can honestly say it has all worked out for the best. I wish you the best and apologize for the pain that you have been going through. I really am.
2006-12-28 01:59:41 · answer #10 · answered by live, love, laugh often! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The truth is, are you ever going to be able to truly trust him again or when he gets a phone call or leaves for a few hours wonder if he is with someone else? Probably not. To feel better about yourself you need to get away from this guy. If he really loved you and cared for you and the child you are having he would not have been cheating on you. Your number one concern is this child you are bringing into this world and do you really want it to be influenced by a man who cheated on you.
As for him dropping his mistress and coming back to you. He feels bad for getting caught and probably was using this girl for something to keep him occupied. How much longer will it be before he gets bored again and goes to find a new playmate? You don’t want to put yourself through this situation again so get out before it is too late.
2006-12-28 01:56:18 · answer #11 · answered by prettyblueeyes101010 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋