Darkest demon below you came to above to share your sorrow and your love The day grows old and soon it dies then you rise to your despise that she is dead and so are you Bound by love and rejoyced by hate your jet black wings shield the day before you died you cursed aloud “I damn them all straight to hell” such hatred towards the ones you hate you kill for fun but at same time you love everyone
2006-12-27 19:18:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
... Errh!!...sorry!!...One more Violation & I'm history. let's just say it stinks... wwhat about every obsenity conceivable is NOT harsh enuf even to critique it!! They haven't "coined" a crude & awfully bitter Word yet to say how rotten it is....ok? And i'm bein' kind here, girl.
2006-12-27 19:28:46 · answer #1 · answered by jack witty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A couple of things despice, could be changed to demise and still work. Rejoiced is spelled like this. 'Wings shield the day before you died?' or is it
Wings shield
The day before you died
The former makes no sense and the latter throws off the rhyme scheme.
I'm going to suggest something, so don't bite my head off
And rejoiced by hate
A curse and destruction with these words create
' I damn them straight to hell'
And the jet black winged one fell
it's an aabb rhyme scheme, I don't use those, I can't hold them together and make it as powerful as I want.
It's good, but as my English teacher told me, people will focus on the flaws rather than the words when it's little things like spelling and whether it rhymes all the way through that stick out.
2006-12-28 03:35:34 · answer #2 · answered by jadeaaustin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uhhhh....Excuse me? Is this a poem?
2006-12-28 04:33:30 · answer #3 · answered by roughdude_16 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe some punctuation
2006-12-28 03:25:03 · answer #4 · answered by technorapper 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not that good.
2006-12-28 04:00:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋