My wife of 14 years is not in love and has cheated. What to do?

Question

My wife of 14 years, with four young kids, says "she is not in love with me" and has recently cheated. She says the affair is over now and wishes it didn't happen and it hadn't hurt me. We're separated (alternating weeks i.e. kids get the house) and in counseling (although not sure of her counseling objecives). She is confused and admittingly not sure of what she wants. She blames me for everything wrong in her life, whether deserved or not. No violence, abuse, alcohol, drugs, etc. in our relationship. By her own admission, I am a great guy, father and husband. She says we just might not be the "right fit". I'm trying to give her space to "figure it out". I would like my family to stay intact. What should I do while she figures it out? When should I just let it go and move on? If I should, how do I move on?

Answer 1

Go to the counselling with an open mind and try your best to get the most out of it. Ask the counsellor to recommend someone you can speak to to help you deal with the feelings of betrayal and the fears of loss and failure in terms of marriage breakdown.

I understand that you want the family to stay intact but it is already broken by her break of trust and what it has done to you and to the children. It is hard to start over, I know, been there and did that.

However, staying in a loveless marriage is self destructive and self defeating. It would only be a matter of time until she did it again or you decided to leave out of sheer desperation to find affection.

I pray that you find peace in all this. You must have tons of questions about yourself and anger about her actions. This is completely normal. It sounds like she has "figured it out" if she says she doesn't love you and you are not a good "fit".

You deserve to be loved. By her admission and your words, you are a good father, husband and man. It is her loss and foolishness not to appreciate it. Try not to hate her. She is being honest about her feelings at least and one cannot make someone love you if they do not.

You are someone who deserves and can find love. Like men, some women have difficulty staying in long term relationships. It is sad and it does injure everyone around them but it is better to let them go than to endure the loss and absence of love the rest of your life. I will pray for you and for your happiness and peace in your heart.

I don't know if anything I have said has helped. I hope that you do go to counselling on your own. It will help you when you do make the decision to move on. It will be healthier and for the right reasons. Your children deserve to have love in their homes and if it means in two homes that is how it must be.

The only question I have is did she leave the home or did you? If you go for divorce, that will make a difference. Good luck! I wish you well.

Answer 2

You're wife is right. You are a great guy! No violence?! No drugs?! No alcohol?! No abuse?! What's wrong with your wife?! The world is filled with men with destructive behavior. First of all you are doing right by giving your wife some space & time to "figure it out." Secondly, continue to alternate weeks or weekends w/kids. Thirdly,take a part-time job, take a class @ nearby college or find a hobby to keep your mind busy while U wait for your wife to "figure it out". Fourth, set a time-limit as to when you believe is reasonable for your wife to have "figured it out" and stick to it. Fifth,if your wife decides 2 move on,let her know this isn't what U want & and U take it very serious. Tell her you will not allow for her to go in and out of your marriage whenever she feels like it, or if she needs 2 to "figure it out"again in the future. It's not fair and its too painful for you & your kids. She is being very selfish. Sounds like she's got many unmet needs or she's dealing w/some serious emotional issues from the past. She needs more than just counseling. If she tells U she wants out, it will be very difficult at first but take it 1 day-at-a-time. DO NOT FORCE HER 2 STAY! In time she will realize what she
gave up. In order to get through this seek some counseling from a local church or a professional. Don't try & deal w/ it all on your own. You deserve the very best you can give yourself right now and thats peace & healing. Remember, it is not your fault & do not believe this lie. Take Care of yourself & your kids. Good luck!

Answer 3

Marriages go through ups and downs. It is good that you are trying to keep the family intact, although I don't know how possible that will be given your wife's state of mind.

Maybe you could make an effort to do the things that you did to make her fall in love with you in the first place. I am not saying you are in the wrong! If she says you are a great father and husband - she is probably telling you the truth - but there has to be something more. I don't know the answer here. Is she depressed? Is she bored with her life and you are the easiest target? Are the kids too much for her?

Answer 4

sorry to hear your story. i'm quite sad in here while i read your story.
you have no problem with yourself now. you are responsible as bein a father and a husband. the problem here is in with you wife. i know you loved her so much. but until when you will sacrificed for what she had done. at this very moment your wife cannot appreciate for what you have done . i know she cannot appreciate a gifts from you. she is adamant , i should say. she will always tells you that both of you not in the right fit coz maybe.. just maybe , she had someone new.
think about your kids. talk to your kids. i know your kids knews whats goinon between the two of you. they can sense the atmosphere. though it is hurt and traumatic on thier part. to tell you, your wife will cheat you over and over again.
gto tell you bad things sometimes happened to good people like us.
better try a family counselling. i guess it will help a little.
if things getting worst.. you do not deserve to be treated like that.
to tell you... im' a widowed ... i admit i was once just like your wife before. now... i realized.... though it is too late for me to realized everything .....my husband passed away due to car accident. i put all the blame on me. but, i'm ok now. i moved on. though it is too late.
in your situation...... find time for yourself.... be look good.... stay good ..... find other means that you can win her. i know you can.
Pray.... God will listen. God is good. I'm a member of El Shaddai now.

Answer 5

if she is blaming u for it all, than she has failed to take any of the responsibility for her choices, she cheated not u, no doubt has blamed it on not getting something she felt she needed. as long as she won't take any of the responsibility or ask u to forgive her, there isn't much hope for the marriage. why should u wait on her to figure anything out, as u know what happened, she chose another man over u, and if she has reservations as to your not being right for her, than u need to go find someone who is Right for u, don't allow her to run the show, and make your happiness dependent on her decisions, she cheated she should be begging your forgiveness, she may not be totally finished with the other man, but keeping u in suspense in case she needs u if there is no one else, move on and forget about this cheating woman who has totally disrespected a good man. yes u are a great guy but she is seeking something else u can't give her, something she will one day see as illusive and unobtainable. move on brother she was lucky to have had u, and obviously sees no value in u. don't let her opinion of u matter, or define who u are, there are plenty of women out there who would love to have u.

Answer 6

I suggest letting her go. I'm in a similar situation as your wife...minus the kids and marriage certificate. I am too scared to let my "nice guy" go and risk never finding another guy who will be as good to me. My bf and I have been together for 6+ yrs and I know I should just leave him instead of cheating but I'm paralyzed with fear. Your wife may be in the same boat. The fact that she has told you that you guys aren't the "right fit" speaks volumes. It says nothing negative about YOU - just that the relationship doesn't work for her. It is painful, but you are only going to get hurt even more if you continue. If it's the kids you worry about - they will be better off with two divorced BUT HAPPY parents, than disfunctional married ones. My parents "stuck it out for the kids" and I can say it probably did more harm than good. Good luck and I hope you can resolve this.

Answer 7

Let it go now, in your heart and mind so when shes done with her bit of counselling you have your bit. You seek independent counselling. Sorry to say this shes the rat in this not you. You move on with you, move on spiritually, emotionally, financially. Stay fit physically and mentally. Create your own world for you and your kids, so its not about her this time, its about you and your well being

Answer 8

you do what makes you happy, also i am going through a similar situations but we don't have any kids involved thank god. I finally gave up on my marriage to my husband months age. My husband also cheated on me and I stayed with him, my husband also wanted to leave me but i begged him to stay, I realized that all of that was a big mistake, you can't keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. Also please don't stay in the marriage for inconvenience, and don't do it for the kids. The older kids have to told and make sure they understand the situation that is going on between you and their mother. 2 You find yourself, you find out your faults and try to improve them for yourself and ya kids. 3 she will realize that she had a good man because there aren't too many out here that's willing to take on the roll as husband ,father and friend.

Answer 9

People can fall in love with someone else when they're married. I am one such person. I also am confused. She has stopped seeing this other man, so that's a step in the right direction. I have not acted on my love except to talk to my lover. Give her some more time. If she still doesn't love you, then you should prob. divorce. Love can't be forced. She should not blame you for everything. I can't give you any more answers because I don't know what to do myself. Good luck.

Answer 10

Dude - wake up and smell the coffee...Youre not the "right fit" - You want someone who WANTS YOU!

A real loving wife wouldnt need to "figure it out" - she would KNOW!!

Just let her go...(she ll cheat again). Give yourself some down time for now. Just hang loose....be a great dad and do something fun (play ball, go out, go on a hike, whatever)