How Do I Separate from my Husband?

Question

I have been unhappily married for 13 years and have two daughters, 9 and 4. My husband sleeps in his own bedroom--says it is because I snore, but he really just wants his own space. He keeps doing stuff for our house, yet is constantly criticizing me, and I don't love him because he isn't nice. He has put a lot of elbow grease into our house recently, but not much into our relationship. He is a good father, other than he lets me do most of the work taking care of the kids. I feel like life is passing me by and am uncertain as to what to do. The kids love him, I don't. Do I ask him to leave or do I rent an apartment, but that would mean having the kids leave their home to be with me?

Answer 1

By the way, a person not being nice to you is an EXCELLENT reason for falling out of love with them. Doesn't being in love = being nice. In my world it does! (Plus I'm sure that there is a lot more to it than that simple word, but you don't have enough room on this page to explain it all. Right?) I think you should first see how a divorce will ultimately affect your children because in my opinon, their happiness is of utmost importance. I personally wanted my parents to divorce when I was 11 yrs. old because I couldn't stand them fighting any longer and I thought it would be best for my mom to get away from my dad no matter what happened or where we lived. I just didn't want to be around him anymore. (so that person who assumed that your kids would be devistated can't assume such things.) If they truely would be devistated (and ask them.."how would you feel if daddy and I were to separate."), I think you should try to make the marriage work by going to marriage counseling. Even if you do it just for the purpose of being able to learn to "like" and "respect" eachother and to learn to co-habitate for the kids sake. At least until they are 18. However, if they agree that you and dad are miserable and they CAN handle the divorce (as I did) then I suggest that you leave the marriage and find someone who can love and respect you, and let your husband find someone that makes him happy as well. As long as the kids don't suffer!
I have been separated from my daughters father since she was very little and she has a much better life because we AREN'T together anymore. As long as the children still have a healthy and consistant relationship with both of their parents (separated) and as long as both parents agree not to use the kids as "tools" or "pawns" in the divorce (to get even, etc.) then I believe that they will be ok. I was! It just meant that I had more holidays and more extended family down the road. Divorce can be OK if it's done right! But the KIDS do need to be able to give their input. Even the smallest child has an opinion, and it should be heard!

Answer 2

I wish I could answer this one for you. I sometimes feel the same way. I have been married for 8 yrs and with him for 14 yrs and have 2 kids as well. I still love him, but he can really treat me like cr*p. I feel like I should just pack my stuff one day, and the next I feel like I have invested so much time that I should just work it out. I sometimes think that if I don't get out now, I might waste away my life and end up divorced when I'm older and have nothing. But then other times I feel that I still love him and don't want to make a mistake that could hurt me or my kids.

You really should do some soul searching and decide what YOU really want. If there is any love left at all, then you should try to work it out. Try marriage counseling, talk to him. You can't fix anything unless you communicate. If things really are that bad, that its not worth fixing, then you need to let him know as well. If it is you that wants out, you should pack up you and the kids and leave, but if it is mutual, then he should leave since it will be harder on the kids if you guys uproot their lives by moving. It's really tough, especially when kids are involved and there is no right answer, except that you need to stop thinking about others and think about what is right for you. Your kids will be happier in the long run if you are happy. It is very scary to think about leaving your husband of so many years. Think long and hard and make sure it is what you want for sure. Talk to your husband, maybe a trial separation would be worth trying to see how you feel apart. I think you should try counseling first to try to salvage your relationship if there is anything to salvage. Once you divorce that's it, so make sure that its really what you want. Good luck.

Answer 3

I am so sorry to read this......
Is there anyone that you can talk to that could talk to him (clergy?, his brother ect)
The kids will be devistated...
not to make you feel guilty or anything but just be sure to think of the changes that this choice will make on the lives ofyour daughters.
If he is a good father the might hate you (the older one anyway), and he might not just quitely leave....he might try to get custody
Try to find out if he has someone else.
He is showing some classic signs
If money permits, think about hiring someone to follow him for a few weeks and see where he goes.
If that does not work,
check cellphone records for clues....
Also, be prepared for him to be pissed.
Would he still pay for you to keep the house without the court order or would he quit a job to keep from having to pay
Dont make this decision in haste. If you have been dealing with this for 13 years, you can take another three or so months to think it thru.
GOOD LUCK, you are not alone

Answer 4

Sounds like that the biggest problem lies with You. I know that you dont want to hear that but you are in a bad situation that a lot of house wifes TALK THEMSELVES INTO. This man is a good provider,loves and cares for his family .Keep things fixed up around the house.
How nice are you to him.He could have some hidden issues with you that needs to be brought out, that has created some stress on his part and he takes refuge in working, fixing and then trying to forget about his problems by being in his own bedroom.
This marriage just hast to be saved. Ask yourself this ,At what point did things start going bad....be honest without acquising,or feeling sorry for yourself . There must to have been some point that you loved and cared for him ,you married him, WITH VOWS ,and had two daughters. I think that both of you should set down and talk And it sounds like some professional help is necessary. You will have a tough time out there with two teen age daughters. Better come to your senses, make amends.
You two can also seak SPIRTUAL help.
The best of Luck. Will remember your family in my prawers.may God bless and have a happy new year.

Answer 5

lf you do decide to leave him, talk to a divorce Lawyer. He can tell you what you need to do to get ready. You will need important papers and you will need to make copies of important papers. You need to first get a mail box. When you talk to the lawyer you will need an address. You can open a bank account in your name and have it mailed to your post office box.
You get a mail box whether you stay in the home or leave.

You will need to notify the school so he can't go to the school.

Have a lock smith change the locks.

My daughter got all the paper work together and we kept it for her. She followed my advice. She got a protective order and had the divorce papers and the protective order served on him at work. He had no Idea.

Pack his clothes and take them where he can pick them up.

Let him live without you and his kids for three months. Thats what my daughter did.

He soon found out what it was like and how much they (two daughters) ment to him.. He promised her the moon. Now one year later they are like newly weds.

You have to keep away from him for three months. If he wants back right away and you let him back he will just think you are crying wolf.

By three months you will both know whether or not you even want each other.

Don't leave your house. Your children deserve to be there. He wants his own bed now you can happily give it to him along with someplace to hang his hat.

Be prepared for him to be angry when he is served.

By the end of three months you will know one way or the other.I hope things will work out for the best.

Answer 6

It's all over but the crying at this point.......you have clearly made up your mind to leave him. Speak with an attorney first for sound legal advice before proceeding. The children NEED the family home, your (soon to be ex) can rent an apartment and adjust to it. You might want to ask yourself why he is doing so much work on the house recently? He may have a surprise in mind for you, such as selling out and divorcing you....or may have someone else in mind to take your place there.....open your eyes for all clues.

Answer 7

It sounds like you already made up your mind. Divorce is the hard way out but sometimes its best. Sometimes its not.
You need to be happy with yourself before you can make a husband or kids happy.
Give it all you got to make it work. Talk to friends and professionals.
Everything gets harder with a divorce.

That being said, freedom is great. Happiness is great. Your kids will see happiness and be happy.

Don't settle in life. Don't do anything for the kids or your husband. Do it for yourself. your kids will still have loving parents for guidance and support.

Answer 8

Tell him you don't like being criticized right after he said nasty stuffs. Some people just don't know what they're talking about. Warn him that you might not be able to live with what he says to you and see how he reacts.

See doctor to stop snoring. Insomnia is a torture and it's legitimate for him to enjoy his quiet sleep alone.

Answer 9

Hai,

Dont take hasty decisions.Talk to him.Explain wht you feel.Its easy to break relationship but to hold on is difficult.You have 13 yrs wed life.There must be some kind of misunderstanding between you to solve it.If u leave him how u can takecare of ur kids & urself.U need some hold on.As ur kids are young they will miss him more.Try to talk ,Cook what he likes..etc which makes him happy.Then talk slowly & tell wht u feel.I think it will solve your problem.Takecare.Bye

Answer 10

Have you spoken with your husband? Address the issue as..."my problems are..." then follow that with what your terms are going to be. First you have to decide what it is you are willing to settle for. I cannot believe that the only reason you don't love your husband anymore is because he's not nice, because love is much more than that. Whatever you do, do not waiver in your decision....once you make up your mind, that's it.