How Do You Deal With A Friend's Death?

Question

A friend of my husband's committed suicide on Christmas Eve. We live 400 miles away and it's really hard. We're trying to go home for the funeral, but don't know if we can.

How do you deal with death? Are there things I can do to help my huband grieve?

Answer 1

This is the corniest thing to say, but give him time. Talk about the good memories. Provide reassurance and comfort him. These are just some of the things I can think back upon when my dad died last year.

Answer 2

In silence. Some people talk. Some do not. Am sorry to hear. Be there and listen to him reminisce. Qiuet and allow him to talk. Is not pleasant but is something he needs to do. Try to get him to focus on the good things about him or her. Death of a friend or loved one is a very personal thing. As all deaths are. But a suicide or a beating or murder is much harder to deal with. I have had all of family and friends in each different situation. He will need time alone as well. Maybe away. Allow him to feel what he feels but stand firm beside him. If he chooses to withdraw talk to him. Give him space. But if in the depths of despair watch closely! Get some one to help him besides yourself or those close to him. That serves as a very subtle warning. But one that should never be ignored. I got the news on Christmas Eve too. Out of all the death I have seen, of those several I learned the most. A hell of a price to pay for the victim and yourself. As well as all the loved ones he or she left behind. The point being something good was always either left behind or had come to fruition. Or both. The sorrow is great. But lessens with time. Some people actually are diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I have been a few years back. I have lost 6 people in the last month and a half. One violently. Losing a brother now who is dying now because he always wanted to. Life was very hard for him. Possibility of cancer or aids. But I know he so wanted. I have to love him enough to let him go. But he will not go alone. I will be there to hold his hand when he passes. As I always did and proud to do. To know him. And be there for everyone else. Does it ever get any easier? No. With time the pain is less. God grants you wisdom you didn't have to help you and all others he or she loved. That is a great thing. You have to stand firm. And break down sometimes before you can. Remember him or her for what he loved about him or her while here. Is what he or she wanted. I say with no reserve. Good luck. God bless.

Answer 3

That's a tough one...and guys grieve differently than women do. Give him time and space to sort this out--but make it clear that when he is ready to talk/needs to talk that you will be there to listen. Don't push the issue--you know that just makes them clam up.

If you can't make the trip back for some reason, find some way of memorializing his friend to give him closure (whether it's spending a day doing things that they used to do together (even if it's fishing/hunting/other guy stuff), watching shows/movies that remind him of his friend, or whatever else makes sense). Suggest this in a letter/note so that he doesn't resist the idea--just tell him to approach you when and if he wants to do this.

Suicides are harder to deal with--but losing anyone unexpectantly and at a young age is hard. Just be patient with him.

Answer 4

Death is hard to deal with, but sometimes people just want to be left to themselves and soom people just want to talk without someone telling them that the person they care about is in a better place. If you listen and repeat back the feelings they are expressing then your husband will feel that you are listening to him empathitically listening to him or actively listening to him.

Repeating his feelings is like, when he says that this friend was stupid for doing what he did you might say, I sense that you don't understand how this friend could do such a thing. Just listen to the feelings behind what your husband says and not the words. Anger comes from feelings that might be what you want to look for.

This can be a hard time, I wish you and your husband well, God bless.

Answer 5

This is SUPER hard, especially when it's a suicide. (and at holiday time).
If you're not able to make it back for the funeral, I think you can do a lot of things to remember your husband's friend, like to plant a tree (maybe a lemon tree or something that will bear fruit?) in honor of his death, or to make a donation in honor of either his favorite charity if he had one??
Most memorial homes/funeral homes will have flyers with other suggestions. The "planitng of a tree" thing is the one I remember from when my mom died in July, that it would be an ongoing remembrance of her impact on our life, and the production of fruit would make it more important.
I wish you and your husband peace. This is a hard thing to deal with.

Answer 6

My cousin killed himself several years ago. It was hard, confusing time. It took time to heal. I still dream about him. In my dreams we are kids, playing. I turn and he is gone. I hear him calling my name but I cant find him.
I know this is all due to not being close to him for years before his death. I feel like I could have helped him had I understood his depression. I know now I couldn't it was his own personal hell. I try to honor his memory. I have told my children about how close we were as kids. How we got into so much trouble.
I miss him, I still love him even though he is gone.
I hope you husband finds a way to honor his friends memory. Help him understand there is nothing he could have said or done. I pray he will find a way to travel to this funeral, if not, go to his grave when your able.
Good Luck

Answer 7

Try this. It always helps me.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!



Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am the song that will never end.
I am the love of family and friend.
I am the child who has come to rest
In the arms of the Father who knows him best.

When you see the sunset fair,
I am the scented evening air.
I am the joy of a task well done.
I am the glow of the setting sun.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

~ Mary E. Frye ~

Answer 8

Well calm him down a little bit. Take his mind off his friend, because it's known for people to die suddenly after a close ones death. Find any way possible o go to that funeral

Answer 9

show him a lot of support and be a great listener. If you can make the funeral that might help your hubby with closure, if not it's the memories that are most important. Remember we all grieve differently.

Answer 10

Time is the factor. The grieving process must take place. You can get a lot of great information at some sites, just google it. But, time is the main factor. Give yourself and your man time. You can't stop the pain but you can give yourself time to get over it.