How do you know when its time to call it quiets in a Marriage ?

Question

Iv been married for 7 seven years (together for over 10) I feel like I come home to a war zone. My daughter (13) and my husband are constantly at each other. He did, She did is all I hear every day. Should be easy huh? Except that I know my husband lies to make himself look better, Iv caught him on several occasions lying about what things she's said or done. We have other children at home, but its always her fault no matter what. On several occasions my son will step up and even say, "Hey she dident do that I did" and still my husband does not appologize for accusing her. Its a daily battle and he has gotten me to the point that all I want to do is defend her as soon as he starts. ( he starts every single day)

I know I may be wrong but I feel like I have to defend her from him, Iv tried talking to him about it but it always ends up in a battle. I just want peace in the house. Im not happy coming home everyday anymore because of this.

I just wanted to add that this is not our first teen, this is the youngest child and she is from my first marriage. We have raised a total of 5 children together, 3 from his first marriage and 2 from mine.

His middle son still lives with us also (24years old). He still drives our cars and has a hard time holding down a job and shows no signs of moving out. My husband is harder on the 13 year old then he is on the 24 year old and I guess this is part of my problem. My husband even lied to me about an accident claim that we received in the mail telling me he knew nothing about it, but when I spoke to the 24 year old he stated that he told Dad on the day it happened. My husband then procedded to tell the 24 year old thanks for throwing him under the bus and that would be the last time he tried to help him, apparantly the 24 year old backed into somone in a parking lot.

Answer 1

Hello,
Bless your heart dear! I suggest that you, your husband and the kids have a round table chat session. This is where you guys let it all out, place all your cards on the table and tell each other how you feel about things in the home.
Once each of you have had your chance then it's time to all come up with some positive solutions. I am sure your thinking"ghessh I listen to this mess every day I come home!"
And I understand that, but in order to fix something that seems to be broke, you must first all understand what is going on and why.
Your husband needs to find other things to do around the house but blame the daughter for things. It seems that he's lashing at her for some reason and that makes me wonder what the heck is going on with him!
The round table session can work and does work. The rule during this time is that NO ONE Interupts the other while speaking as each will have their turn.
This isn't a cause for you to leave your husband hun.. I know you wish you could just run away or at least get some peace in the house. Until such time I do suggest and encourage you to at least try this.

Good luck and I hope that things will settle and calm down.

Answer 2

Nope - divorce is the popular answer, but I say no. There is a reason you got married, and the 10 years proves it.

You are dealing with a teenager and that is never easy.

Daddy is suffering from identity crisis and needs to cool off from being reactive to Ms. Teenager or else the relationship between father and daughter will reach breakpoint.

Best solution, temporary isolation for Daddy -- he needs a break and so do you. When was the last time Daddy had some alone time to do what he wants? I'd bet never given a house full of kids (I'm a Dad, too, by the way).

And by the way, siding with your daughter will do more harm than good. You are isolating your partner and he feels cornered because the whole house is against him. He needs his wife (aka the person he married, who promised to be with him for better or worse...) to be with him at this moment. The kids can take care of themselves, it seems like. But your husband needs you to be supportive of him and you can do it without antagonizing your daughter. You have to be the person between, but you must support your husband and your kids must know that.

About your husband lying ... purely self-defensive. I admit, it's very immature but it does happen to the best of us at the worst of times.

Find a way for your children and your husband to be away from each other, and I mean completely away ... and YOU must find a way to be with him. Ask Grandma to take care of the kids for some time (any other responsible adult relative will do, preferably someone the kids hold in authority).

The time away will give your husband time to reflect on what it means to have a family and what his role is in that family. Your role is to be beside him but not to influence him or berate him. He must find his own answers, and you must be there to be his second opinion. Note that if you both work, that shouldn't have to suffer. You just go home to a kid-free home. Try a month. If it doesn't work try 2 months and work yourselves down by visiting the kids at intervals dictated by your husband's and kids' desires to see each other. Keep the visits short, no more than one hour -- I suggest the first to be 2 weeks and then 1 week. You can visit your kids more often, but you cannot stay with them. You must stay with your husband.

While you are both away, your kids should have increased responsibilities in the house. Your teenager will have to take over your roles as head of the house. She must take over management of the house, and if she fails, she will have to make her own consequences. This will put her in her father and mother's shoes and will make her more mature. If you can arrange for her to volunteer in a socio-civic group then the better; she will learn important social skills by helping other people and she will channel her energies into a more constructive project that is not Dad-bashing.

In time, the separation will make your husband miss your kids and your kids miss their father and mother both. You will end up together again and all will be well because your teenager will have matured more and both you and your husband will have grown closer to each other within your marriage.

Divorce? That's the coward's way out. That's why so many families fail. The family is the core unit of society. Should the family become corrupt, so will society.

Good luck. You will find your answers somehow, and I will tell you that you will find it better as a couple than as parents.

Answer 3

This sounds serious. What kind of father lies on his own daughter. I wouldn't know if I could trust him ever about anything. I would seek a family marriage counselor. In the meantime if you want peace don't become a part of the madness. Separate yourself from the drama, let them know under no circumstances are going to participate or take sides. You have worked hard all day, you don't feel like battling family especially after you have battled those hard heads at work. Girl, stay strong,and get that counseling. Husband sounds real immature.

Answer 4

Hi there,

This situation is bad. Your #1 obligation is to your daughter, so I applaud you for defending her. Try to get to the root of this situation. Why does he accuse her of everything? Sit down and talk to him about it. Do it when you two are alone... convey to him how serious this is, that this is no way to live... that you're worried because your daughter is only 13, etc. Also talk to your daughter. I don't want to scare you but it's possible something more sinister is going on. I'm not saying he's abusing her, but it is possible. Compare the stories and try to figure out WHY this is happening.

I'm not a big fan of suggesting therapy, but I think your case may benefit. A family therapist could help put this all into perspective if you can't.

Of course teenagers (age 13) and parents always battle, but it does seem as if he's singling her out. You need to get to the root of the problem and put a stop to it once and for all.

Answer 5

I hope that you don't end your marriage over this. When I was your daughter's age, I went through the same thing with my father. We were like oil and water, and like you, my mother always defended me. She was always in my corner, and my father resented that. There was a lot of discension in my parents' marriage over me, because they had different philosophies on how to raise us. It was a triangle dynamic with a lot of contention in the household that was ongoing with me and my Dad, and my Mother, that went on until I moved into my own place when I was 21. The teen years are very difficult for both parents and teenagers. Your situation is not at all uncommon. I understand you just want peace in the house and that you don't want to come home to the bickering everyday. All I can say to you is, just take it one day at a time and deal with them as best you can. I wish I could tell you that this will soon pass----but, like I said, my Dad and I were at odds with each other from the time I was 13 until I was 21, and to this day we have an arms length relationship. Your husband and daughter may be able to communicate better at some point, but communication with my father was very poor. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk to each other. He didn't like it that I had a mind of my own. My mother tried to be the peacemaker, but she and my father argued alot over me, so you're not alone. But I hope you won't end your marriage because of this. My parents survived the teen years, raised 4 children, and just recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Hang in there and keep the faith!

Answer 6

1. Respect should go both ways.

2. Trust

3. Stop the lieing

4.you, husband, and daughter get together and talk about what going on.

5. We are our kids role model.

6. Can't run away.


7.I will be praying for the family.

Answer 7

It would be a shame to just call it quits over this issue with your daughter (unless of course there are other things going on that you haven't included here).

Counselling is always a good start for something like this. It helps to voice everyone's feelings in a neutral setting. There may be deeper issues between family members that you are not aware of.

Answer 8

IS this your first teen.....omg they can drive you crazy ..i think that you should start supporting him you have to stand together ..if she thinks that your on her side your husband doesn't stand a chance ...your the one making the big mistake here and of course he has to lie once and awhile he's in a fight every day with NO help from YOU ...do you think she's going to treat you any better when he's gone ,NOWAY then your going to realize how she played you...but then it's going to be too late and why should he apologize he's probably sick of it by then ....sorry for that, just telling you how i feel

Answer 9

My husband and I had the same thing going on and we decided to unite and become a steel barrier that none of the kids could get through! Unite and support your husband even if you think he's wrong, talk about that later out of earshot of the kids, and the kids will learn that they can't manipulate you and your husband.

Remember that our children are on loan from the Creator. Your spouse is your always and forever.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

you also have to remember that she is 13 yrs old, at that age they will play parent against parent, Your husband may have lied but I'm sure she has too, You need to be the adult in the family an sit there butts down at a table an lay it all down. tell them that if they want to act like children you will treat all of them that way