My wife of 16 years is having an affair online and left today?

Question

I have been trying to reconcile this marriage with my wife for 4 weeks. She went to counciling once. I found her once again at 500 in the morning cybering with someone. I do not know if it is male or female. It does not matter. I went a lawyer today and I intend to get cusody of the kids on the grounds she is addicted to this fantasy life and will not give it up. I guess she figured I would let this go on forever. She can't cheat on me under my own roof. I gave her the option of quiting this relationship (cyber) or stay with me. She packed her bags this moring and here I am trying to figure things out.

The kids are at the inlaws house for safety sake. This is gonna get ugly. The lawyer files tomorrow.

In answer to an answer. I know that cybering is a symtom of a problem she has. We have been together many times since this whole this started I have kept fresh flowers by the bed. I have loved her massagged her held her by candlelight.

I appreciate all the answers. She left. she left this morning. She chose this person over us. I am going to keep going to counciling whether she shows up or not.

I love her with every fiber in me. She is/was my life my supposed soul mate, I am alone now with no wife. My kids I will see and be strong for. I will get help for my head.

In answer to Your name?
The is a lot more to the story. Of course 16 years of marriage there is a lot of baggage. I have not ever been unfaithful to her. I have never hit her. I have provided for her and our children. Sounds like are just trying to stir it up.

Answer 1

Husband in the US getting custody? If she is not using drugs or prostituting herself, fat chance.

Answer 2

I'm not really sure what your question is, but I'll give it a go.

First of all, I'm very sorry. It's incredibly hard to go through this type of thing, and there is no answer you will find on this website that will make you feel any better. It will hurt, bad. And the fact that you have children together only makes it worse.

I would say that your chances with the custody depend on a great many things... Firstly, is she a good mother? Does she do drugs or anything else that would keep her from being a stellar mother?

The whole "fantasy life" grounds will probably will not hold much water. Unless this addiction has caused her to mistreat or neglect her children, that's not going to do it.

Further, what is your definition of an "affair"? Has she actually physically cheated on you? Is this only a fantasy relationship? Does she meet these people? If not, then it doesn't qualify as an "affair". Not by most people, and not by any courts. If she was only talking to someone online (or, specifically, if she was talking to several different people for the expressed purpose of achieving orgasm but no deeper connection) then this will NEVER hold water.

Most people seek online relationships in order to get something they're not getting at home. They may have a low self esteem, or feel taken advantage of or neglected. They seek this emotional support from someone online because it is not coming from their spouse. Of course, if she was only cybering with whoever was online and was not actually creating relationships with these people, then it's pretty obvious that she's just doing it for thrills. I hate to tell you this, but if she's not actually meeting the people then it's very unlikely that this will be seen by a divorce judge as infidelity.

It's also very possible that she was simply looking for an excuse to end an unhappy marriage.

Whatever, I wish you the best of luck. You are going though tough times, and I hope that things turn out well for you and your children. Good luck, keep your head up. The only good thing about being down this low is you really can't get much lower... there's only good things to look forward to from here.

Answer 3

intersting presentation, no where's the rest of the story?

Its pretty easy to come on Answers and throw out a bunch of transparent hogwash and sit back and watch these fools swallow it whole. Now how about telling us why, when all the factors were in your favor, did she choose to leave? Throwing 16 yrs away, jeopardizing the emotional well-being of her kids, leaving what you have presented as the most submissive man in the world. All this for the opportunity to pleasure HERSELF? Hello??? And to top it all off you had the home court advantage here. You actually had her live and in person. The other guy got to play with her mind, but you could do that and touch her sensually.
The good news is your getting help. The question I would have is this- Will your counselor be entitled to a little more truth than we have been here? Because this crap just isn't adding up. And if this is the way you intend to present it to the counselor then you may as well take your money and start a fire for the homeless with it.

Nice try slick. She ain't the only one that doesn't buy your bs.

Answer 4

OMG...I have been where you are only I am the wife, or was..In any event, my heart aches for you and for your children. My X husband was addicted to online porn and then singles sites. I caught him on more than one occasion with ads representing himself as single, when he was infact not. We tried counseling for a while too. He stopped participating.

Since the divorce I have learned a few things, I will share them with you, and maybe they will help. First the marriage was lacking something for your spouse. She might be what I call a magic junkie. When you first meet someone, the rush you get from that is magic to some people. Almost like a high. When you have been married longterm that high is non existant. Some people feel like they need it, your wife is probably one of them. Nothing you can ever do will give her the euphoria and rush of being w/ someone new. She didn't know how to grow in a relationship, my husband didn't either he was always looking for the rush.

Second, there had to be something lacking in the relationship to make her look for the rush. on the net. I am not saying the thing lacking had anything to do with you, she might have self esteem issues.

Third there is nothing you can do at this point to change her mind. Nothing.

You have 2 options, wait her out and see if she gets over who ever he is, which I wouldn't reccommend. Or get a good attorney which you say you have done. As for custody? I don't know what state you live in but you aren't going to be granted custody on the grounds of an internet affair. Too many people have them now, and it is commonplace, sadly.

Fortunately for me, my husband and I didn't have any children together. I had kids from a previous relationship, and so custody wasn't an issue. If you need somone to talk to e-mail me through yahoo answers. You are going to be emotionally ruined for a long time. Like I said I have been exactly where you are, my heart goes out to you and your children. I wish you the best of luck, it will get better, I promise.

Word to all those who said cybering isn't cheating...You're wrong it is. Giving yourself to another person emotionally is by all means cheating. In the marriage vows it clearly states "And forsaking ALL others" There isn't any grey area there....Cyber sex, erotic chat and crusing singles sites when you are not single is definitely CHEATING...Wake up people!

Answer 5

My parents went through a divorce where my dad cheated and let me tell you it was an ugly divorce. For the kids sake PLEASE DO NOT make it an ugly divorce. Help your wife seek counseling for her problems. Your wife may have these fantasy problems but has she outside of cybering really cheated on you. A divorce is probably the only option in the case but do not put the kids thorough undue stress. If the kids live with you A)let them regularily see their mother no matter what you think of her and B) do not fight in front of the kids about custody issues. Do nor seek custody solely on the basis that your wife is a nutcase. She is having a fantasy life but is it really affecting the children. After all it is 5 am when most kids are asleep.
The cybering is an addicition for her and like alcohol or drugs is hard to quit. She needs ongoing couseling to help her through her problems.

I think you should also seek a counseler to work through your anger issues. You need to think that you do not need to bet angry around the kids which is what will happen with you in the state that you are in.

I wish you the best of luck and hope for the best for your children.

Answer 6

You wife never has had the time to be a young free adult. I think you married way to young and she is now missing the fact that she didn't go out with different guys, party and play the field. It sounds like she is really to immature for a monogamous marriage and if you were smart you'd cut her loose. What kind of marriage is it if she is sleeping with other men? You are demeaning yourself but putting up with it. You deserve better. File for divorce on the grounds of adultery or irreconcilable differences and give both of you the freedom you need. A lawyer will help you work out the issue of the house and mortgage but do whats best for you and let her go. I'm sorry it worked out this way but time will heal your heart and you will find a mature woman who deserves you and will love only you. Good Luck

Answer 7

I'm sorry. This is always hard to go through and it being so fresh hurts like crazy. You gave her an choice and she took one, just not the one you wanted. She made her choice and left so give yourself a little time to work through the sadness, the divorce (if it goes that far) but now think about the children and do what is right for them. Did she take them with her?

Answer 8

Sweetie, reality will probably kick her teeth in real soon..I knew a female who did the exact same thing. Two days her On line love come to life got drunk and beat her up BAD.Your wife will see that things are alot different when there is no computer screen and keyboard between them. Just protect your children anyway you can.If you decide to make you marriage work when she comes back make her go to counseling GET RID OF PC till she gets it out of her system but id you decide not to deal with her again its understandable too. GOOD LUCK...

Answer 9

She doesn't want the person she is cybering with; she wanted a world where you wanted her that bad. She wanted to be adored and desired; cybering with a stranger in a fantasy world on the net is not cheating on you. You just dumped a marriage of 16 years since she made you jealous. Grow up; figure out what is wrong with your lives that she is turning to strangers for attention. Women want attention and romance. If her internet stuff is interferring with real life; then you provide a real life she wants to be in.

Answer 10

I'm sorry to hear that first of all. Just have the attorney file for the divorce with you as the petitioner under the ground of what she was doing. You may have to do joint custody though since she is the mom and she wasn't doing anything like drugs or other illegal activity.

Answer 11

You're right honey. She cheated. You don't have to put up with it in your own house.

If you are ready for divorce take heart. More and more fathers are getting custody of their children. If she left the children with you, you have a decent chance. Pick them up from the in-laws. DO NOT give her a chance to do the same. Who ever has them at the time of filing has the best chance of getting temp. custody. Whoever has temp. custody has the best chance of perm. custody. Heads up on this one.

Since she left she has obviously made her choice so just remember - being healthy alone is a lot better than being sick with someone else. Gentle thoughts to you, honey.