After he cheated on me a year and a half ago. I've caught him looking at naked women online(that's what strated our argument). Now I've been no angel because the first couple of years I used to be physically abusive to him when we'd argue but I don't do that anymore (He was always a gentleman and never hit me back). We've been married for 9 yrs. have 5 kids .
I love this man so much and he says he loves me just the same and wants our marriage to work. He's never begged me to take him back he just gave me my space and wrote me a letter saying he wants my forgiveness and that he understands if I won't have him. Shouldn't he have begged? I think I took him back to quickly. I let him back in my life in about 4 days when I found put about the affair (they slept together once but communicated for 1 month). He told me they used a condom and he never kissed her in the mouth or had oral sex.
Now we're back lovey dovey but I'm sick of the break up to makeup. Should I just call it quits?
2006-12-27 14:39:08 · 24 answers · asked by Lovely1 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's good provider and excellent father. I'm very attractive and had my chance to cheat on him but I chose not to. We have never argued in front of our children.
I've forgiven him for the affair awhile ago but I'm just tired of arguing. What should I do?
2006-12-27 14:42:24 · update #1
WE don't drink and we used to be very religous. He wanted a big family. I still honor my relationship with god.
2006-12-27 14:46:42 · update #2
Well,... it sounds to me as if you still have some unresolved feelings about forgiving him for his indiscretion. Have you really forgiven him for what he has done? From your entry it doesn't like you have. Only you can honestly answer this question to yourself.
If the answer is "no", then you will continue to have problems trusting him, what he says and what actions he takes. A healthy relationship cannot survive unless mutual trust is a given. A relationship cannot survive second-guessing for long.
If the answer is "yes" and you honestly do forgive him then it will still be hard to forgive him completely. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember his betrayal, the hard part will be to accept this misstep of his and put it behind you. One cannot keep punishing another person for an act that has already been forgiven.
If you truly want this to work out you may need to work on your feelings first. Resolve your feelings one way or the other. Decide to forgive him and you will be able to work towards a reconciliation. Decide to "call it quits" and all of this is history.
It may take some time for you to resolve your feelings. You may even need some time away for a period of some weeks or months while you sort out your feelings.
If you forgive him, you will need to "start over" with this relationship. Just take it slow. Once you can completely forgive him then both of you can work slowly to regain your trust in him. It won't be easy either way.
I'm terribly sorry for your situation. Good luck!
2006-12-27 15:36:43 · answer #1 · answered by madaoyuan 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you already know the answer to your own question. I figure if you have to ask and are not 100% sure, then maybe it is too late.
You may have physically abused him (which cannot be condoned nor can I can condemn you) but he too is being abusive- emotionally which is a more subtle form of abuse but abuse nonetheless.
You do have children to consider. Some may say you must stay for the children, but children can tell when things aren't OK and they just suffer through the fighting which will not lead to well adjusted adults.
You need to do what is best for you and the children. The make up/break up cycle is not healthy but can be exciting (at least temporarily) but will only lead to repeated heart break for all.
It is funny that as I write this, I'm listeening to a song called denial, revisited which is about couples having the same old fight and never resolving anything. And how the partner wants to say the right things to win his woman back, but in the end, he knows that in the future they will be having the same old fights.
Hope this helps and best of luck to you.
2006-12-27 14:51:42 · answer #2 · answered by Allee M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." In it you will find that you have all the power in your relationship and how you handle that power can make or break your marriage. Most guys will do anything sane or insane for a woman that treats them well. By well I mean with respect and honors him. Men come from women and spend the rest of our lives trying to please them, so it makes sense. When my wife and I were going through a hard bit of trouble she hadn't slept with me in over two months (not suggesting you use this tactic but this is just an example) she said she'd be with me if I'd get all my school work done by a certain time. You can guess that I was very motivated to finish and do well. And I did. And she did.
But back to your scenario. Forgiveness is the start. Reading that book and finding out what power you have to improve your marriage is another. Also read "The Power of a Praying Wife."
Blessings.
2006-12-27 14:52:37 · answer #3 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am a strong beliver in the fact, that if they will do it once, they will do it again.
If you can not forgive and forget then this will always cause a rift in your relationship, there will always be mis trust and doubt and what kind of life will that be.
What if he comes home 2hrs late from work? will you believe him or be wondering where he really was during that time?
Think long and hard on this. Its a choice only you can make, but do whats best for YOU.
Somewhere out there is someone who will love and respect you and never put you threw what he has done.
2006-12-27 14:43:33 · answer #4 · answered by just_trump_my_ace 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you really believe that he never kissed her in the mouth/always used a condom /never gave oral sex.... you need help.. Of course he did. You should have made him go to the dr.. and watched while he got tested for STDs... humiliate him a little by telling the Dr's and nurses what a nasty slime ball he is... Post some pics on DontDateHImGirl.com... and YES you took him back TOO QUICK.. he will probably cheat on you again. Why not go out and get some nookie of your own.. and shove it in his face how good it was. Then maybe you could have "thought" about taking him back ... at least to make him your personal slave. lol
2006-12-27 15:15:31 · answer #5 · answered by yo mama 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have not given yourself a chance to deal with the anger you have bottled up because you were betrayed. You may have forgiven him, but you took him back after 4 days. You have some anger hiding underneath and it is finding its way to the surface on every little thing he does. When you see him looking at other women it is like he is betraying you all over again. I highly suggest some counseling or tell him you need to express your anger towards him for what he did...spill your guts to him make him see how much he hurt you...once you get it out of your system it will make it easier to deal with the everyday quirks that are irritating you....I hope you find your happiness again.
2006-12-27 14:53:44 · answer #6 · answered by MARY L 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you forgive him for the affair, don't talk about it anymore. Remember God forgive you for all you sins, so don't keep count on someone else sins.
He should not be looking at naked woman's on-line. That is disrespect to you. It is a different if he was not with you.
No! he should not have to begged. Anybody can do that. He ask for your forgiveness and your said you forgive him ( did you ready forgive). Remember forgiveness come for the hearts
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14 NIV
2006-12-27 15:04:20 · answer #7 · answered by GOD IS LOVE 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The man cheated on you!!! I have an aunt who whent through the same thing...she took him back and he did it agian. Porno is probably what started the whole affair. A man sees things and then desires them so, he went for it. What ever you do dont blame yourself for any of his mistakes. Also you were abusive but that dosent mean you cheated on him, You both have 5 children, with a father that cheats on their mom. NOT GOOD! If you have sons they will most likely follow dad's example and daughters will exploite themselves to get attention from guys. Ive seen this happen within my own family. Do somthing wonderful for yourself and get him out of your house. I do belive in repentance but how can he repent if he is given forgiveness to quickly. Im not saying devorice the man, let him know what he's messing and what he's done to you and your children. I'd work it out as much as possible of course, you love him so its easier said then done. but talk it out and make an arrangement. and if he's looking at porn he'll most likely cheat agian.
2006-12-27 14:47:26 · answer #8 · answered by elise_ctr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this excellent example for marriage counseling. You'll be dealing with each other for quite a while so why don't you try to work things out before you get the legal system deciding what's best (for them). I wish I'd done that.
2006-12-27 14:49:06 · answer #9 · answered by lyyman 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't be offended if the answer is no, but do you and/or your husband drink? This sounds like the cycle an alcoholic and his/her significant other get involved in. The phase you are in, is called the honeymoon, the abuse, adultery or drinking will begin again, you will take him back and have another "honeymoon". If I am wrong, I apologize. I live this vicious cycle, and it sounds like my life, sort of.
2006-12-27 14:44:52 · answer #10 · answered by boxersgirlbunny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋