For 16 years I have been married to a man with a polar personality. He can be the sweet, kind and loving and in the next breath be mean, violent and nasty.I have always put up with the bad part because I loved the good part.Lately the bad is starting to out weigh the good and I am having a hard time handling it.I'm not sure if he has gotten worse or if I have become less tolerant. I recently left a job that I liked and started a new one that offered better retirement for both of us. He encouraged me to make the move by saying that there wasn't really any choice since we worked at the same place and we had lost our retirment there.Now I have a job that requires travel and he yells at me daily because of it. On Christmas eve I was called to go on an over night trip.He knows that I cannot refuse a call but he yelled and berated for 2 hrs while I packed. He told me I am a lousy parent because I went.He threatens to divorce me over my job and says I'm picking my job over family.
2006-12-27 14:23:45 · 21 answers · asked by ;-) 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Before I took the job we discussed the draw backs of it and he still told me to take it. He was well aware of the travel. That is the basis of the job. He now wants me to quit even though he knows there is no possibility of getting my old job back and no job in this area that would pay me a third of what I am making at this one. I am upset and depressed most of the time. Torn between wanting out of the marriage because of the constant stress and wanting to try to make him understand that I am doing what I do FOR our family not choosing it over our family. Since I can't shoot him I figure my choices are; 1. quit and take a lesser paying less fullfilling job, 2. Call his bluff and tell him to file for divorce, 3. File myself and hope it doesn't damage our children irrepairably, 4. go on like things are and hope he grows up before I have a mental breakdown. Any suggestions??
2006-12-27 14:31:41 · update #1
No, he won't consider medication, he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. And no, drugs aren't an issue, of that I am positive.
2006-12-27 14:33:45 · update #2
Personally, I think you might be happier without him
2006-12-27 14:26:21 · answer #1 · answered by faithloveseternally 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We all have to make choices when it comes to our jobs and our children. But a lot of what we do is FOR our family even if at the time it may seem like you are chosing one over the other.
This could have been his bi-polar or it could have just been a husband angry because his wife was leaving over a holiday.
I work full time also and at times I have to miss things with my family that I wish I did not have to, but I also know that I am working to give my children a better life, a college education , a roof over there heads, food on there plate.
My husband is the same way with a lot of things, understanding one min and NASTY the next. But like you I love him and take the good with the bad. I think there is a little of Jekyll and Hyde in all of us, its just a matter of how much of each and how much we can stand.
I have no awnsers for you, just support and encouragement. Do the best you can with the cards your dealt, thats all he can ask.
You are not alone there are many of us that struggle with this and my thoughts are with you
2006-12-27 14:34:19 · answer #2 · answered by just_trump_my_ace 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you! Sounds like we married brothers. I'm working two jobs because my husband refuses to work extra in order to make things a little more comfortable. He gets whatever he wants, and I often go without! But yet, he still complains. If I weren't working the two jobs he would whine because he couldn't buy everything he wanted. Since I am working them he whines because I'm usually too tired for sex! Good luck to you! Are you to the point that you long for a day without crying, or being upset, or being hurt?! If so, we're at the same point!
But what makes enough - enough?! I think that's a personal decision, you yourself has to decide. Are you tired of crying constantly and being put down on? If so, make a change. Just make sure that if you call his bluff, on the divorce thing, that you are ready for the consequences of that choice. He may be to stubborn to change his ways! If so, make sure you are ready to stand behind your decision, because going back after he calls your bluff on the divorce, will make things harder on you! Because he knows then that he has all of the power for himself! Good luck! And let me know if you come up with any outstanding advice! I'm still stuck crying all of the time and trying to decide what next!
2006-12-27 14:49:22 · answer #3 · answered by jen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree that being bi-polar is treatable with the right meds, yes, but most people who are this severely bi-polar don't think they have a problem. If they do realize they do, they will start taking meds, and quit taking them after so long, because they feel better, and think they can handle it without meds. My dad and my brother are both this way, very badly, and both abusive. Get out! You can't even imagine how happy you can be without all of the crap every day, day in and day out. I know its hard, but after 16 years, he's obviously comfortable being this way, and thinks you are too. Talking to him will be about as useless as a screen door on a submarine. You're not picking your job over your family if you're doing it to provide for your family. He's just trying to bully you into getting his own way. I suppose when you got back he acted like nothing happened, right?
Get out while you can, hun. Good luck!
2006-12-27 14:31:00 · answer #4 · answered by wahkea 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Will your husband agree to couples counseling? It might also be a good idea for him to talk to his doctor about testing and medication, if he hasn't already done so.
If he won't agree to counseling and/or medication, your best bet may be to leave. This is not a good situation for anyone, including your kids.
He may not like the fact that you have to travel but the point of marriage is to be a team. This is what's happening in your life right now and being at odds over it only makes a bad situation worse.
2006-12-27 14:30:47 · answer #5 · answered by Mary L 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What he is doing is abusive. Pure and simple. He does not have the right to do that and you need to stand up to him. If you want to stay with him, in your place I would insist on counselling. If the tables were reversed, would he think HE was a lousy parent if his job that supports the family called him away?? Don't allow him to make you second guess yourself. Perhaps it might sound weird to you, but... any chance there might be drugs involved? You must think long and hard and decide whether the relationship is worth saving.
2006-12-27 14:30:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
While he has that anger, I suggest you consider it as hurt. The holidays are filled with lots of baggage for many different reasons. As a man in a separation wanting a reconcilliation, I ask that you try to go out on a date with him, no kids and pre-set rules of no discussion of any of the jobe or strife at home. When it is over, if you can see that person emerge you once knew, tell him you need joint counselling to move foreward. no threats, but resolution if there is still that chance. ~ from a broken heart with hindsight 20:20
2006-12-27 14:33:42 · answer #7 · answered by bSquirrel 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all this husband of your should appreciate the fact that he has a working woman its not easy out here,second of all you have to live your life for you first he has his issues he needs to deal with and he sounds like he may need counseling for this personality disorder he has, LADY! Live your life do what you must to take care of your family, tell him that you need him to be more supportive or you will file for separation until you guys can attend counseling. GOOD LUCK!
PS. People have a tendency to use these disorders as excuses of why they act in such a way. I THINK IT IS PURE BULL!!! DO not lose yourself you are the only sane parent your children have!
2006-12-27 14:31:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well all I can tell you is to start selling on Ebay. You can go to auctions and get items worth alot of money for a little of nothing a make a fortune. That way you and he can deliver or mail the items together. Or you can have UPS or Fedex pick it up. And you can have them pay taxes and you go to the Department of Labor and fill out a form for Income Tax. That way he can work and you can work from home and be with your kids. I have 5 kids and I sold things on Ebay when I was pregnant and couldn't get around.
2006-12-27 14:39:17 · answer #9 · answered by gettysdeemer 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Divorce him because he's a verbal an emotional abuser and he might have mental issues.
You took the job to better your future- on his encouragement. now he's acting crazy...F-that.
No one deserves to live like that and your kids don't need to see all the yelling and crying you both partake in. Take it from me....I'm one of those kids.
If you leave him, he'll be nice to get you back -then he'll become an asshole if you don't. then he'll get tired and find someone new to **** on.
stick to your guns, good luck.
2006-12-27 14:30:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
My advice is to get help and if that does not work then its time to get out. You have a right to live a happy life without someone making you feel less of a person.
2006-12-27 14:28:33 · answer #11 · answered by Ms Pollyanna 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋