Advice: fair to keep distance from alcoholic dad?

Question

My father is a multiple-regressive alcoholic who needs hospitalization or detox any time he is off the wagon. He has been sober, supposedly for a few months. I an a 34-year old with a wife and 3 little kids. He and his wife are not understanding why I am so skittish to re-enter his life, after over a decade of pain and heartbreak. We are on speaking terms, but I know he wants more, and wants to see the kids more. I am trying to insulate them from the heartbreak I have felt off and on for the last 15 years.

So I guess the question is, is it fair for me to keep him at arm's reach and to insulate my kids from having any real bond with he or his wife (also an alcoholic, BTW). My protectiveness says stay away, danger, danger. My love for him says, he'll be gone some day and then it will be too late.

I have honestly been so hurt by him, I am most comfortable just avoiding him, but I feel like I have to decide. Advice from adults appreciated.

Answer 1

Hi- I can relate to your dilemma... I was married to an alcoholic with two alcoholic parents.

Your kids are your number one priority. Your own well-being is your second priority. You have no obligations to people who have hurt and betrayed you in the past. If they can't understand that you won't welcome them with open arms as if nothing ever happened, then they are still in denial and NOT in recovery. Most people who are sober but in denial will still try to manipulate those in their lives by making them feel guilty. You have a clean conscience -- you are doing what he never did: actively caring for your children.

My ex once decided he wanted to confront his parents, which I supported. He got a lot off his chest, but all they could say was, "we were drinking then" as if that absolved them of all responsibility. He was very disappointed. Yet, he continued to drink, and got to the point where I had to give him an ultimatum to go to rehab or move out - he moved out, and I had to file for divorce. Then the judge said, go to rehab or you can't see your 5 year old son - he lost visitation rights. He died of liver failure when he was 39 and our son was 7. That was eight years ago, and I still weep for the loss; but I have no regrets, because I can only imagine how much worse it would have been had I stayed with him while he continued to drink himself to death.

The hardest part was trying to explain his father's actions to our son. You may also find it difficult to explain your decision not to let the kids see "grandpa" more. I simply told my son that the disease made his father want to keep drinking, and the continued drinking changed how his brain worked. So that even though his father loved him very much (he really did!), he could no longer make the right decisions to be a good father. I also told my son when he was about 6, that alcoholism is hereditary and that he is more than likely an alcoholic, despite never having taken a drink. Now he is 15, and many of his peers are drinking and getting high, but he won't and tries to get his friends to stop, which makes me proud.

So stand by what you believe is best for you and YOUR family. If an when he is ready to accept responsibility for the hurt he has caused you, and offers you a sincere apology, then you might consider gradually reintroducing him into your lives under circumstances that you dictate. Again, if he's truly in recovery, then he will understand and will comply willingly. Explain to your kids that even though we may love someone and they may love us, it may not be best to be around each other. Again, that is a lesson that your father should understand completely if he has really made progress in his rehabilitation.

Good luck, and I hope that 2007 brings you peace and joy!

Answer 2

Well maybe your father sees what he has missed in your life and wants to make it up by having a relationship with his grand kids... I know exactly where you are coming from and I went years without a relationship with my alcoholic dad... until he was put into the hospital this past may... I spent a week with him and I was there when he passed away... Like you said Life is really short... Let God deal with your father in His time... but as far as you and your children go time is probably something you do not have alot of.... Just remember the reason why you have hurt so much is because you love him... So swallow your pride and forgive him because through your love and your children's unconditional love... your father may just surprise you... Just go into it not expecting to much... that way you will not get hurt again. also explain to the children that your dad has been sick and now is the time to show through your actions that even through your father has broke your heart that you can show him the respect of what unconditional love for a parent really means...
I really wished that I had of done it for my children before my dad passed away...

Answer 3

Advice... Stay away. This is the longest suicide that I know and the most distructive. Yes, I'm sorry but you must protect your children. My advice is to teach your kids to write to grandpa and send pictures and art. if you visit him... help him write them but avoid him as if he is on another planet. Letters and mail is just the ticket for warmth and cuddly feelings.

Watch the writing though. chuckle. Either side could get reckless... ha. He may learn to enjoy this. I had to leave behind my dear mom. She is so old... close to 90 but everyone knows that she was maturity the age of 8 and I was her doll. Together, well, she liked to destroy others but won't when I'm not there. I'm her handmaiden period and it was my task to ensure we destroyed reputations, funds, life and liberty as she learned to throw tantrums and it was allowed by my dad. Some say she has a demon but she is without power when the family is absent. She is well cared for and yes, she still commands enough to cause destruction. I let my older grown children visit her but they do not mention me. I'm ill and I could no longer stop her abuse of me or others. She is highly intelligent and so there is little we can do to stop her except... withdraw. It is so humiltating to realize you will never be able to contact a little ole lady you loved. She becomes the meanest kid in town. eeekkk.

Just let the kids write like he's in a different country. They will learn to write. A lost art. Then when they are adults... they can decide to visit if possible. good luck.

Answer 4

Hi thevonbankfamily’s

Yes you are absolutely correct trying to keep your alcoholic Dad at arm’s length from your children !!! You are responsible to your kids first!! Your Dad is absolutely secondary if not wayyyyyyyy down your list of responsibilities.

Your kids should absolutely not be subjected to the same hurt and pain you suffered. Reading between the lines you still have some love for your Dad but respect is non-existant?? Don’t be hard on yourself if this is the case,, Your Dad made choices in his life which were very detrimental to you.

This is one of the classic “TOUGH LOVE” choices you are encountering, you love your dad on some level,, but your love/responsibility/respect/protection/etc.. belongs solely with your kids !!!


There isn't any great answer's to this situation,, only the BEST LOGICAL answer which is PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST AND FORMOST.

Answer 5

You know i feel some of your pain but i belive that we all can change for the better i have seen it done. I do know that we want so bad for them to clean up thier act but unless he is willing to get help on his own and for his self all we can do is pray for our love ones. I can only hope god will give you the answers you are looking for. As for myself i would let him in my life as you said he will be gone and we never know when that will be so i hope you will make the right decision good luck and GOD BLESS YOU !!

Answer 6

You are right ,sadly the disease is bad and keeping him at arms length is best. Never leave your children alone with them .
Better broken hearted then broken.

Answer 7

would you let him in your children's life if he was a stranger around the corner? family has nothing to do with the ugly face of an addict an arms length is best, your motherly instincts are correct.

Answer 8

i'm swaying more toward forgiveness. i know its hard to forgive. but, i'm thinking what if this were you...and you wanted to get back into your childrens lives and play with your grandchildren?